a break from monotony

my disorganized thoughts once again have gone frantic. i feel that i owe my blog a lot of posts. from the last semestral break i had, until to the latest weeks of this semester, a lot of things have happened already. noteworthy things that i haven't put into record yet, and so the voice inside my head is screaming of memories overload already. but since i am an incoherent writer, i would once again write in a way that jumps from one thought to another, so please, just bear with me as i have always begged of you. i'm gonna post about the latest and the "biggest" happening in my very monotonous life.

The College Press Awards is an annual gathering of student journalists and school publications in the region to be recognized and awarded for their efforts in writing and journalism. Ten from our class were chosen to participate in the said event, including me. Among our school's representatives, I am the most demotivated and indifferent, sad to say. I had a different agenda in mind, which was to break free from my tedious home-school daily routine and enjoy a different sight in a different city. Three days and two nights, weren't enough for me to enjoy that break. If i can only bargain for an extension, i would. So, to sum it all up, our departmental publications The Lead Magazine and The Lead Tabloid bagged 25 awards. And, can I just laud myself here even just once? I won 2nd place in Copyreading. yaaaaaay! which was seriously and honestly unexpected. i guess i was just lucky. nevertheless, i'm very grateful and happy.

i told you i never expected this ;)

it was really worth it. 25 awards, one award deficit from last year's record. not bad. :)

the supremes. ice cream supreme. 

p.s. i need my thoughts be sewn together. will be posting soon. :)

tonight i realized my role as a sister.

a nine-year gap between me and my brother makes our relationship as siblings rough and fun and crazy and unpredictable. he's the one i asked God for when i felt so alone as a kid and envious of other kids who have brothers and sisters. i remember every night i would talk to God and ask Him to give me a sister, in specific. He gave me a little brother instead. I was grumpy and I complained, but later I knew that He knew that this little boy is perfect for me. i was disappointed when i first saw him at the nursery. he was not as cute as everyone else, he was red, and hairy and slimy and dirty, literally. he was not an adorable baby. he was fragile and sickly, and he was incubated for days. he was so small and so delicate. when i first held him, i promised to be the best sister i could. i was nine then, and that was a big promise to keep. what would a nine year old do to be the best sister? i would watch him sleep. i was always eager to carry him in my arms. he was so small and helpless. he was a gift.

years passed, he grew up, and became a rowdy kid. but one thing always remained, he was sweet and thoughtful and loving. i'm not a perfect sister, we would always fight and fight and fight some more. it's ridiculous that he even threatened to kill me. now you can imagine how terrible i am as a sister. i promised to be there for him in whatever, to help him when he needs to, but sometimes, no make it most of the time, i get irritated and pestered and annoyed by his presence. i help him only when he grovels. i am a hideous sister, while he's been so loving. it was only at night when i get the chance to make him feel that i love him. when i hold his hand and hug him. he's really persistent when he asks me to sleep beside him which i always turn down. but when i do, it's always so precious to be with him, and see him smile when he says his good night and whispers i love you.

he's ten now, and growing up so fast. it's fun being a kid, i know cause i've been there. but i can say that growing up with the kind of mother we have is not easy and fun. we both know that we have to follow every rule, to do whatever is asked and to keep our mouths shut even if we're trying to make a point. i watch my brother go through the stern rules of our mother, and i know how it feels and how difficult it is to submit to her demands and expectations. i can't do anything salvaging for my brother, it's tight here at home. i know i can't be bold, but being discreet can make him feel that he's not alone, and that i am here. we are siblings, and he is my responsibility. i can only tell him to avoid the mistakes i've done and to do better when it's his turn.

i told him, "never answer back". something i failed to do. "when you're mad and when you can no longer hold it, take a pillow instead and pour out your anger into it." it's not something wise or thoughtful or something "sagacious", but it was a reminder i could have used for myself if i was only prudent and discerning enough before. the moment i snapped my words the first time, my relationship with my mother crumbled and was never like it was before. i don't want that to happen to him.

when you choose to find who you are, you have two choices, to become the person you want to be and lose everything that was about you or to be the person who you are.

i'm about to turn twenty and i don't have anything to consider as a milestone. twenty years have passed and everything is a blur when i look back, nothing sticks out that i consider as a defining moment aside from the outstanding fights and troubles i had and the rubble that i was and is am. when i talk about my life i find it unbelievable that people find it unbelievable. honestly, my life is not inspiring, is not exciting, it's just a chain of repeated mistakes that sometimes could get worse than the previous. happy memories cannot completely compensate for the degree of gravity of my mistakes, they could not suffice to neutralize them either. i am not in the state of melancholy right now, i'm having a spontaneous realization that suddenly hit me hard. when i look back and look ahead, these two give me equal anxiety.

classes have begun and i have the conscious effort not to screw it up, but in the middle of the semester, the passion will eventually die down. i want to shed off a part of me i don't know what.

november 5

i honestly don't know how to start it with.

my mind is in a major clutter and my thoughts are not sewn together, which is not something new. i have so many things to write about, how i spent my semestral break, what were the oddly unexpected things that happened, and the other whereabouts that comprised the three-week break from the hustling and bustling school months.

so what do i write about now? i'm gonna begin with the end of it.

a two more day lease of the break and everything will be back into chaos. today is the last day of my long gone best friend and tomorrow she's flying back to Manila. her life belongs there now, which unfortunately separated us when plans for college didn't turn out as how we've dreamed of it. going to college together, new school which is far from the old lives we have prepared ourselves to depart from, same dorm, late night project making, going out and chilling TOGETHER, that was the dream, but things were impeded by my parents who cannot afford to let go of my leash. but i have accepted the reality that i will always be living by their plans until i graduate. but this is not what this entry is all about. so she's leaving tomorrow and her birthday is today. she's anxious about her age actually which is understandable. everybody freaks out in a different way everytime they turn a a year older, while others simply let the day pass without fussing about it. we spent half of the day together, doing the same old things we used to do, eat, talk, walk and eat, talk and walk some more. that routine has not changed even if parts of us have. there was a bit of awkwardness since the gap has been long and a lot can happen in a while. we were leading separate lives for a long while, but inspite that something that we have shared once keep us on the same ground. the people from the past and the gushing about our old crushes never fail to lighten up the conversation and bring us back to how we were.

dinner with her family was fantastic. the back ribs were very satiating but the laughters filled my appetite way, way, way more. her father is so adorable, a judge who doesn't look and act like one. the nipslip of her father was epic. :) her mother is very accommodating and reminds me a lot of my mother. and her sisters are very intellectual and witty, all products of University of the Philippines. the dinner was filled with a lot of conversations and humorous exchange of stories.

the night has to end. i went home and when i hit my bed, it was only then when everything sank in, she's leaving and it'll take a while before we see each other again. it's sad to be left by a friend, a best friend, my sister. we may not talk a lot, but her presence makes me feel that i have a friend i can always laugh with and that no matter how crappy life can get, we can always whine about it together and at the end of the day, laugh about it. that's her, my soulmate. she's like the other half of me, the one that destiny has included when it created my story. one of the main characters that my story will be incomplete without her in it. i'm gonna miss her.

Another Word Vomit

The planetary energy might find you responding to a sudden sense of inspiration that arouses your creativity. You may feel an unexpected urge to write, paint, draw, or compose some music. You may want to sequester yourself, which could cause some problems with friends and family members who want to be with you. Don't ignore this impetus, Pisces. As you know, inspiration can vanish as quickly as it comes.-Daily horoscope for Pisces


I know this is a sacrilege to my religion, a concrete sign of how unfaithful I am to my religion. Others may refer to it as blasphemous to believe in something else like sorcery, magic, witchcraft and horoscope aside from God. I don't want to talk about faith, religion, or any other religious denominations. The point here is, this horoscope actually verbalized how I'm feeling right now, right on the dot, bulls eye! I've been having this urge to write lately, but I just can't find time to sit and let my thoughts flow incessantly. My thoughts have been scattered everywhere like an egg thrown and splattered all over. The thought that this semester's over in a matter of week and my precarious academic performance gives me this ambiguity. I'm excited but I'm jaded. I've been guilty of being substandard in the execution of my role as a student. I can't help but compare myself to how I was and how I am now and see that there's this vast contrast. This is just one of the thousand things that cloud my thoughts.


I am detached. I have lost touch with my emotions. I react because it feels obligatory, not because it's spontaneous. Every move is gauged. I lack the capacity to actually feel right now. The strongest emotions I have recently felt were brought about by some movies I've watched and recounting certain events in the past involving my grandmother who passed away 3 years ago. Those things do not involve events that are happening in real time. Those emotions were metaphysically evoked. Being impassive could be a good and bad thing. I have learned to hold my emotions back, stopped myself from breaking down after our paper work was rejected by our professor. It haunted me for nights, it was trying to gnaw on my feelings, trying to creep its way into my guts and eat out the little strength I'm holding on to before I let all hell break loose. But I was able to hold it up. Instead of cringing in one corner and sulk into tears, I chose to square my shoulders and face the consequence of another case of my irresponsibility. I choose not to talk about it and stress the whole thing, cause the damage has been done and it's irrevocable. It's pointless to fight for something that begins with a losing end. When tough times like this happen, you always have a choice. Be a sissy or face life hard-core.


I am fully aware that this semester will haunt me. I've lived a haunted life. I battled some, others just got tired of running after me and died their natural death. If you allow yourself to be consumed with all the crap that life's gonna throw on you, well be prepared to find yourself down in the dumps. Life gives a lot of shit. Take all that you can take, then dust yourself off. After everything, it's still you. You know that you can come out of it, polished and brand new. That's the beauty of it. You take on all the dirt and see yourself in the most horrid way, decide to clean yourself up, and find yourself good as new or even better. It's how you look at life and react to it. You're not the only one feeling cursed, but you can be the only one who will feel blessed enough if you know what to make out of everything, both out of the good and out of the bad.


I told you there's no coherence in my thoughts right now. hahaha! :))

We BELIEVE

This is the highlight of our semester.

Who would have thought that our batch who was tagged to be the "Batch of Form but No Content" would be able to put up a huge production like this in a matter of four weeks? As we stage the whole play and see the entertained audience and applauded acts, all the sleepless nights are paid off. It has been weeks of sacrificing sleep and time to sew this together. It was ambitious for our class to put up a musical play with very little time, but as what we will always be, risk takers, we took on the challenge and pushed ourselves harder.

It is because of this play that we were able to see through each other beyond what we've seen in the past years that we've been together. We are all crammers and procrastinators, but in this, we have matured and developed into individuals who can be relied on to, and that transformation happened in the shortest time. This is something we are proud of. When we look back, we admit that we left traces of our procrastination and lenience amidst the pressure, but as they say it is in the hardest times when we are purged, the best things come out. That it is in pain and struggle, that it is in every wound, every trial, we are moulded into something beautiful, into a masterpiece. And we always work best under pressure. ;)

I can't simply put into words how ecstatic I am. Everything feels so surreal. To be a part of something that people will be talking about, and something people will remember is very gratifying and elating.

I am so proud of us ABCO3. I know we will be making more great shows together. :))

a movie review? or is it just me?

it's really difficult for me to write a title for what i write. it's a tedious process of thinking that washes away my train of thoughts, so i'd rather start with what i want to talk about. :)

i just can't believe i am gonna write about another movie i've watched. i've read it somewhere, that the number of movies that a person has watched equates to the level of social life a person has, which when translated into and equation, it would be: more movies = less social life. maybe, this could be possibly true, but, i don't want to talk about my very low social life. i'd like to talk about the happiness and lessons i learn from the movies i watch. i'm gonna be blogging like a love sick puppy again, talking about looove. :) so bear with me. 

i know that i am already late and beyond deadline, but tonight is my first time to watch "Hitch" which showed five years ago, starring one of my favorite actors Will Smith. the movie is just really cunning and very witty, and not to mention, it has a great sense of humor and not the sleazy type of humor. why am i writing about this? it's because i... yeah, you knew it, I CAN RELATE. okay, i am not a cynic, i am admit that i am the most hopeless romantic person not in the entire universe but as far as i see myself compared to the people i know. let's cut the chase and get to the point. we all are scared to really FALL IN LOVE. 

it is everyone's concern to guard their fragile hearts. we've seen how complex it is to keep a relationship, and what more to start one. it all begins with all of those "firsts", then take it from there, your love story unfolds. BUT, the most difficult part is, to actually begin with that "first" step. it sure is easy to imagine walking up to the person you like and say, "hey! i like you", but when it's right there in your face, and the bait is dangled right infront of your eyes, your knees start to wobble and your picture perfect imagination shatters into pieces. IT IS HARD! so, we'd rather settle to look at the person we could possibly have a future with from afar, and watch him or her wasting her time with someone else who could've been you instead. seeking advices helps, even though that would sound a bit desperate, but as how it goes, "desperate times, need desperate measures". we all needed that one precious opportunity to take that shot, but at times, we just get sacred, we fear rejection or maybe we are not too confident enough. but, "there is no principle" on how to snatch that person of your dreams. we think that maybe those advices we hear, or tips we read would work, but the truth is, it is us who actually do the actual job. sure we did take heed of those advices, but it would still be up to us on how to carry out a spontaneous development. it's funny that we sometimes believe that those advices or tips helped get hooked up, but it's only a starting point, an acceleration, the rest of the ride, we are in control. if we try to get perfection, we lose ourselves, but if we try to simply try, we still get a hold of who we are, and in keeping our personalities intact, we get more comfortable with the person, and that our "little" imperfections are the things that spice up everything. those quirks or eccentricities that we have actually make us more attractive and real. just keep yourself together. :)

give your guards a day off. it's good to keep yourself guarded with all defenses up, but sometimes, we have to go out of that wall that keeps us from feeling what we want. from what we see, from what we hear, we have all the cynical reasons not to fall in love, cause in that way, things will be much easier. we are scared to admit how we feel when we've found the right person for us. scared because we might get rejected or maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe we made the wrong assumptions. so many thoughts, that make us fear, but if we don't admit it now, then when? when that person has slipped away? fall. fall freely as long as you know why you're falling so that when you reach the ground, you actually knew and felt what it was like, cause it's better that way than hitting the ground not knowing at all. 

what would be better than this for a first date? isn't it extreme and wet? :)

so are you gonna spend the rest of your life being miserable? it is really miserable to think that being miserable will make you happy. so, go and get "hitched". <----did i say it right? i made that one up. :))

an attempt in photography

we had photography class during my second year. that course sparked and enlivened the photographer in each of us in class, and so was i. i had that enthusiasm in me to take pictures, to appreciate details and to preserve moments. to capture things that captivated my eyes. the artistic soul was wide awake within. so, like everyone else, i did an attempt in taking pictures. i felt like i was a "pro". hahaha. so here are my "feeling-pro" photographs. :)

my very own interpretation of "still life" :)

some portrait photos. thanks to my friends who helped me in this "mapangahas" slash "daring" shoot and for going out from their safe zones and forgetting their being "maria clara's" for one time.

all these of these photos were taken using my very humble yet efficient Sony D77 point and shoot camera, which needs an early retirement and is screaming for a real dslr replacement. :) 

photographed by: Nadine H. <---- ayeee... i hope i can see this in published photos in the future 

personal disclosure

i've always imagined myself to be someone else. to be like someone i admire, i look up to, but i've never imagined myself as who i really am. it's difficult for me, it's hazy and i'm scared. i'm scared to see myself as who i really am because i might not like the person i will see. i've never been confident in the things that i do. my actions may often give people the notion that i always know what i'm doing, but the truth is, i've never been so sure of myself. everything i do rely on the people's approval. my decisions are always in complacency to what people expect of me. i've never decided on something that is for my own satisfaction, everything should be in accordance to what they want of me. i don't want to be a rebel, i just want to be myself. to be who i really am. to accept what i can and can't do, who i am and i am not. 

i want to see myself from another's perspective. i want to know whether everything i hear is true. i have a tendency to easily believe a person, to hold on to what they say to me, to trust them easily, but i also have the tendency to be skeptical of what people tell or show me. i always have the apprehension that the things people do or say to me have underlying motives. i am prejudiced when people are treating me nicely. i usually misconstrue people's actions, always jumping into conclusions always giving meaning to everything. i always get into trouble for that. 

this is not the way i want to spend the rest of my years. there are so many things to appreciate in life, but my unassisted perspective towards people, towards life has adulterated the way i should deal with and see things. i'm afraid to wholly open up myself, because i am scared of what they might think of me. i may put on a bold face, strong from the outside, but within i am undermined by my insecurities. i've always wanted somebody to love me and appreciate me, to recognize me as for who i am. i know it's self-seeking but other people's approval always matter to me. a lot of things and ideas are contradicting and i am caught in between what i want to be and what other people want me to be. i don't know which to pursue. i don't even know if i could strike a balance between the two. all i want is to cut the strings that hold me back. to be able to do what i want and what i know best fits me.

i am nineteen, and as i look back i can see how things have changed, and how chaotic my life has been. i have taken dark paths along the way but i'm glad i did some mistakes, because from those i've learned and from those experiences i can tell myself that i'm not going back. it's senseless to be envious, but to desire for something that you don't have isn't so bad after all. it's what keeps you driven and motivated to push yourself harder. being not so sure of yourself reminds you that you aren't perfect, that you have flaws and that you are human, and those things would keep your feet on the ground. when you haven't found yourself yet, it means that you still need to do more explorations in life, and that there many things left undiscovered, and that you have not yet fully grown into who you are supposed to be, with all potentials realized, that who you are right now is temporary, that you have a chance to improve yourself and to realize your full potential cause this isn't the end of the road yet. you have to look for yourself. you have to find out who you really are. i have to know who i really am and what i want to do with my life. 

people inspire me. merely observing them allows me to see life itself. life is unfair that is for sure, but it is not a reason for us to complain and not to be happy. i've seen people who aren't so blessed financially but are happily living their lives, and those who are enjoying things that money can buy aren't completely happy at all. how to measure life's worth is relative. others have realized their life's purpose in ways different from that of others. but what would matter most in the end is when you can tell yourself that you had a happy life and that you don't have any regrets. it may be hard to find what will give us that true happiness, but i'm sure it's just around the corner. it's there, we only have to find it. we look for it through hard work so that when we finally find it, we can say that everything was worth it. we have to be able to tell ourselves that in everything we did, the outcome is worth it. it must be. because when things aren't valuable at all, all efforts will be wasted. if the end isn't as great as we expect it to be, don't feel downhearted, try to look back again, because maybe along the way something great happened, but we didn't notice it because our minds and hearts are directed only toward the end. we often miss out on things because we forget to pay attention to details, to the little things that happen to us, because our thoughts are often overwhelmed by the greatness of what we desire. 

life begins in every second. every second is a chance to make a difference in our lives. :)

-nadine

My Fifty First Dates

Out of randomness, I checked on what movies do I have since I couldn't sleep yet. I bought some pirated DVD's (sssshhhh... it's a little crime everybody is guilty of) before and was disappointed 'cause some of them don't work at all including 50 First Dates. I've never seen the film in it's entirety before, but as much as I've seen, it was a really good movie, that if one is a sucker for romantic-comedies. Unfortunately, this movie is my kind of movie. :) I gathered the DVD's of my interest from the living room and brought it to my room. I was planning to play Serendipity but, as I was browsing I glanced upon 50 First Dates which didn't play the last time I checked. Since I'm using a different player, I tried if it the player would read it this time... Voila! Lucky enough, it did! So obviously I watched the movie.

I didn't expect that it would affect me that much. Dang! This hopeless-romantic-syndrome on me attacked once again. I started crying at the first fifteen minutes of the movie. hahaha. That was really weird, cause the movie that made me cry so much was A Walk to Remember and it had to get to that part wherein Jamie was bullied for wearing the same sweater over and over again, which was maybe 30 minutes of the movie. Okay, so I was crying nonstop while I was watching 50 First Dates, even at the parts where it is very unnecessary to cry. The movie has a lot of funny parts, and for those parts, I laughed while crying. Now, call me insane. I swear, I'm not gonna watch a romantic film with somebody. It would be totally embarrassing since I have the bizarre-est reaction. However, I am entitled to actually defend myself and explain why I had that queer reaction. I was trying to put myself into the situation and imagine myself as Lucy. She was so special and the kind of love that Henry gave her was very unconventional and selfless. It is rare to meet someone like Henry, and maybe that's also the reason why I am not in a relationship yet, it's because I want someone to be like the ones I see in the movies which is pretty much ridiculous and immature of me to ask. I know, the characters are ideal and nonexistent, they are fictional and are only projections of the author's idealisms. The characters are figments of imagination that don't exist in real life, and if by chance they do, they are very rare. But it's not so bad to ask for someone who if could not be exactly the same as the ones in the movie then maybe just  a fraction of the traits that Henry Roth has. But of course, not the perverted trait of his. :)

The whole point of the movie is not to make people look for someone like Henry, nor to be a victim of a car accident to find that kind of love. It's not. The movie is about how love should be. It should be unconditional. It should not ask for anything in return to compensate the things that one has given. It should always be a challenge. To keep a love alive, one should never get tired of creating new ways and inventing different strategies to keep things fresh and exciting. It never gets tired. True love never gets tired, it never dies down, it doesn't easily loses its spark. Love is always looking forward to another day, a new adventure and the readiness to embark on that journey every single day, without complaining. Henry wakes up every morning to see Lucy, even if he knows that each morning is going through the whole "introduction" part. Love is persistence. When a person loves truly, he doesn't give up that easily. No amount of circumstances will stop him from showing how he truly feels until it could be felt by the one whom he desires. Like Henry, knowing that everyday will put him through hell, and that everyday is a risk he has to take to make Lucy remember him, with big chances of getting his ass whacked and his face smacked, still it didn't impede him from loving her. Love is accepting. Henry accepted the fact that Lucy will never remember him every morning she wakes up and that for the rest of his life, he will be stuck in that routine. Yet, it didn't matter to him. What mattered to him the most is that, he gets to wake up every single day with Lucy beside him.

Wouldn't it be nice if this really exists? Then we can prove that love really is magical.

I know I sound mushy again. Well I am mushy and I am sloppy. I will never get tired of watching this kind of movies. It makes my heart swell in happiness and in kilig-ness. I will watch it again and make sure that nobody sees me so I could cry my heart out. Yerp! :)

p.s. wouldn't it be sweet when every kiss is your first kiss? 'cause Nothing beats the first kiss. *wink*

L' Fisher Chalet Lobby Drama (Major, Major Fail)

I will always be that girl who believes that the sloppy and mawkish love stories that we read on fairytales will happen to me. Those that inspite all of the circumstances, that Romeo, that prince charming will arrive and we will live happily ever. 

I always hold on to that sentiment, maybe that's why I always end up making a fool out of myself and doing imbecilic things that make me look desperate. I know that prince charming will be the one riding that white horse, conquering all the odds just to get to his princess in distress, but sometimes, no, all the time I am the one doing prince charming's part, just to make both ends meet. Pretty pathetic right? Well I never learned my lesson that's why I always make the wrong choices of people to like or people I think I can actually have a future with. Instead of prince charming, I get a frog. 

Tonight was another major fail. This guy I knew, guess where... on the internet told me that he is in Bacolod right now, checked in one of the hotels. Well, upon knowing that I was very eager and excited to see him? Who wouldn't be? I was about to see that person who I kept on wondering about if he's real or just another prank I get all the time. So I tried to call him, I also texted him if he could just say hi. I was only asking for a single "hi" and I'd be more than relieved and satisfied. A SIMPLE HI! That's it. But this "prick" was so chickened out to do that. I don't know for what reason why he wouldn't do a simple request. I was thinking that he was either a liar that he's afraid that he'd get busted if he did what I asked of him or he was just an "introvert" and really shy to see someone who isn't so special and intimidating like me. I am just an ordinary girl, curious to see who he was. But I failed in making him do it. There was just nothing that I can do to convince him. I bet on the first reason why he doesn't have the guts to do it. I did all the desperate measures. For what? Just to see a stranger. The main reason why I really wanted to see him was to satisfy my curiosity and see for myself that he really is real and that his identity is legit. That's all. Say hi, and I'm all good. Then he can leave. But everything was to no avail. I asked the front desk lady for five times, begging her to give me the room number. I wasn't gonna bust into his room and rape him. Just to say hi, that's it. And I'd keep on repeating my intention, just to say HI.

My mission was a major flop. I actually didn't get to see him. Not even a shadow of him. Again, I was really gullible to actually try believing that he's real. One thing I've learned, never trust a guy a 100%, which in my case was a stranger to make it worse. I know, I know, I am a pathetic hopeless romantic, hoping that my love story would be as colorful as that of a fairy tale. Who doesn't? But I guess, I always try so hard that I trifle with the natural occurrence of things that are supposed to happen. Too much of me trying to be in control of everything. I am starting to feel that I am a control freak, obsessed with trying to make things to go my way. 

Life is our own story book and we make the story, and direct how things should happen, but I realized that we are just co writers and assistant directors of this story. Someone knows better than we do, and something called fate makes things more interesting and exciting. If we always preempt things and apprehend about the future, then we lose the essence of life's surprises. If things will always go our way, then it will be very banal and predictable. There will be no highlights, no climaxes. Though everything will run smoothly and accordingly to how you want it, it will lack the thrill and the million emotions we will feel along the course. It will be boring and it won't be worth remembering. 

I may have done stupid things, pathetic things and things that when I look back on someday would make me dread the kind of person I was, but I know that in the end, I did what I wanted and risked for what I thought was worth it that time. I can always laugh about it, and I will be glad to share it with my grandchildren someday when they ask about how their lola was as a reckless teenager, impulsive and very crazy. 

I admit that I felt so sorry and embarrassed for myself, to actually look for someone who may be nonexistent, but if I only focus on the downsides of it, I will be in remorse. But while I spent my time waiting for that "prick", I actually enjoyed the company of a friend who willingly waited with me and cheered me up while I was feeling downhearted during the wait. That part alone was worth it. It actually opened up the door for her to disclose herself, and for me to get to know her better. That time affirmed the kind of friendship we had and we discovered that we actually trusted each other. Thanks to that "prick".

Always look on the bright side of things, yes, its is really mushy and corny, but it's true. There will always be shadows, but why would you focus on that monochromatic dark side of life when you can actually bask in the colors of life. :) 

p.s. there might be grammatical and typographical error in this post, but try to disregard it, focus on the thought people and I am really sleepy. :))

I should've done and written this before. Way, way before when everything was still okay and while you were still interested in me. Maybe, interested is not the perfect word, but let's just say you were. I know it's a stupid assumption.

This is actually hard to do, because every time I strike the keys on the keyboard, a lot of things start to rush in my thoughts, because I have so many things to say, so many that I could not sift through which would matter, which would weigh, and which would you want to know. So I mustered myself and try to put into words the things I've been dying to tell you, things that should have been clarified and stated well, but was defeated by my emotional onslaught. Things I should've pondered upon before saying. But I wasn't prudent enough, rather impulsive and blunt. 

If you only knew that I was really happy to know that you actually allotted time to research about me, to track on me through the web, granting that you are techy and savvy, it was easy for you. I know it was just for your fun and curiosity. But, for me I think it was rather special. Sorry for even thinking about it. It was awkward to actually talk to you at first, and I admit I was really a bore. I thought that first conversation would also be the last. I knew it was, but I was glad that there was a second one and more came after that. It was true when you were the first thing I see in the morning and the last before I sleep. I liked it. And I wished that would always happen. It was funny when you would even risk talking with me while you were at work. Half of my mind told me that it was just for you to pass time. But still, the other half thought it was something else. The ambiguity of your intention kept me intrigued and all the time happy. I would always hurry home to see you and talk to you. I was even pissed when we had to go home late because my mom did some grocery and my brother asked me to do some errands. I was excited every time. Every time I see you online, every time the icon hops and signals a new message from you. Everything was going good. Until I ruined it.

I was so engrossed and overwhelmed by how things turned out. It has became a part of my routine to see you. A routine I will never get tired of doing. Sorry if I asked too much of your time. You had a life of your own, and I had mine. I forgot about that. Sorry if I think that I was special. I know it's stupid and it's absurd to even expect something more from what was there. But still hoped that something would actually happen along the way. I shouldn't have. 

Every time I talk to strangers, I was hoping and wishing I was talking with you. I always wonder what we will be talking about if it was you. I don't care if we don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't care even if you just keep quiet on the other side, if you choose not to talk at all. I don't care. Seeing you was more than enough. 

You told me I have existed for nineteen years without you. I know. But the truth is...

Chances

Not everybody gets another chance. I'm grateful I got another one.

My previous term was completely and totally messed up. Everything I worked hard for during the prelims, were sabotaged by my performance during midterms. The goals I set for myself were all within my reach, but they all drifted away after my irresponsibility ate away all of the drive I had boosted up for the whole semester. I was distracted away from my goal, so many things came about, so many responsibilities, and all needed so much attention and so much time that I didn't know which to prioritize and which to focus on until I came to the point of feeling so sick and tired of everything that I just blew it all off away. I was aware of what I was doing, yet I just watched them slip away. My devastation turned into something I could just bear, and in the process of bearing and enduring everything I forgot how it ruined everything was until I saw the aftermath. My grades mirrored how delinquent I was and I could not do anything about it anymore. I was losing hope and all I am needing is another chance to pick myself up from my failures.

I thought it was all too late. I knew that I will never get what I was needing, but to my surprise, it's all in front of me now and what I only need to do is make the best out of it. This is my chance to not screw it all up again, to detangle the mess I have made.

I couldn't be anything but grateful to my teachers. For my Human Behavior in an Organization (HBO) class, I missed the first assignment for the end term for being lazy and for missing class. Glad I was when  our professor told me that I could still submit by tomorrow. (So I will be doing it after this post) My professor in Statistics, whom I thought to be so lousy and insensitive called my attention this afternoon and made me take the quiz I missed the week before exams because I was absent, again. Acknowledging my Mathematical and logical limitations, I only answered the easy parts which didn't require any solving and passed my paper. To her surprise, she asked me why I was so fast, so I told her about my reason which is really true, so she gave me the equations and told me to try answering the problems, which I did, hoping it could pull my score higher. I also missed my Finance exam due to conflict in schedule, so I went up to my teacher, who is known for being so stingy in giving high grades and so stern that no excuse can be deemed acceptable for him unless it's a matter of life and death, and asked him if I can have special exams. It was difficult to explain to him since every word that I said was a motive of doubt and he thought I was just trying to talk him through it with my excuses. Luckily, he gave me a deal. I would need to find this certain Jev Pioquinto, whom he said gave the same excuse as mine but in a different version. If I find this Jev, then can only Sir Sedonio give me the special exam. This means, that Jev, whoever and where ever the hell he is, is the only key to my problems, so Jev, here I am looking for you. :)

So that's all for all the precious chance that I have now, it's either I make it or break it again this time. :)

Here I Go Again...

I better fortify my walls. They're just as weak as I am, easily crumbling down, easily penetrated, easily wrecked. 

It has always been my frailty, my weakness, to easily like someone I shouldn't. A constant reminder never helped. The more I remind myself, the more it contravenes and the easier I fail with the endeavor.

The only solution I see is to shut people out of my life, but the thought of it alone scares me. I don't fear to be alone, what I fear is that if I try, I know I would fail AGAIN. It's just like running in circles, doing the same old routine, resurfacing similar feelings... ****! 

In the end, just like the rest, they always leave. 

I need not say more. 

There's a blogger in her genes that's why she can fly.

She'll get you high

(click to see why)

I Left My Heart in One Tree Hill

What can I say? One Tree Hill is the best series ever. And this Christmas, all I could ask for is the complete series of OTH from seasons 1-7. Well, it won't hurt to wish for it, and I'm a fan girl, what else could I ask? :))  

WHY DO I LOVE ONE TREE HILL?

                                               

Every episode is compelling that it always sends me into tears. The lines are equally powerful that you could actually relate to them and live them out.

One Tree Hill is a story about friendship, life and love. About having faith and hope, about not giving up and fighting for the reason 

that you live for.

The characters stand for the different people in real life, representing different attitudes, different beliefs, different struggles and the triumphs that come after it. Each of which has his and her own fate to chase, a life to live and the circumstances from which one finds his essence and strength to inspire.

Mark Schwann is a genius for creating such a masterpiece. 

Plus, plus, plus, my friends and I share the same inclination and interest in this series, so that gives us another reason why we are so hooked into it. :)

The most genuine and sweetest vows 

(click to see)

I watched that episode/scene for more than five times and every single time I did, I couldn't help but cry. I am so excited for my own wedding vows. :))

Family's Little Angels

It feels like it was just yesterday...

Then one goes on a trip down the memory lane and all the nostalgic feeling starts rushing in. Well, I can't help it, we all can't help it when we all go reminiscing. Right? It's a normal human habit to once in a while glance back to its past and relish the memories. But honestly, it really feels like it was just yesterday when we all used to be little rascals, hooligans, and restless kids. I can vividly recall all the times me and my cousins would come home from play all ragged, filthy and stinky. Then we would take a bath all together. :)

But now, my cousins have babies of their own already, and I am now an "aunt". When I first had my nephew, it felt so surreal. My reaction was like, "WHAT?! OMG! I can't believe it, someone's gonna call me tita." :) And my heart just starts jumping. Yes, yes, yes, I was really overwhelmed the first time one of my cousins gave birth to her son, Nathaniel Hautea Donaire.

This is Nathaniel "Nat-Nat" Hautea Donaire, the first great grand son "apo" of my lolo and lola. The first grandson of my aunts and uncles, the first born of our very own next generation, and my first nephew. :)

Second to Nat-Nat is Sean Gabriel Hautea. He's my half-sister's son and a very intelligent kid for his age.

Third of the boys is Emmanuel "Emman" Hautea Gepigon. The first son of Shelly and Ricky. 

Isn't he adorable? He's already toilet trained at the age of 2. And he's becoming addicted to computers. :)

He should start being responsible for himself, now that he has a brother. hahaha! Let's welcome, the youngest among the brood...drum roll please... Vince Robin Hautea Gepigon. :)

 
He's a healthy baby weighing 7.8 lbs. at birth. :)

He is now 2-months old and looking like his dad. hahaha! I have to commend Ricky for having very aggressive genes.  :)

Very cute kids during last year's Halloween. That's Nat-Nat in sheriff's costume and Emman on the right with the pirate costume. Lovely, lovely kids.

It's incredible and sometimes unbelievable that we're all grownups now. My cousins have their own families already and settling down, some are almost getting there. When I think of the days when we ran around and crowd in a room to snuggle to sleep, it feels like it was just yesterday. I can't help it but get nostalgic. But we all have to move forward. I wonder when am I gonna have my first baby. haha! Well, not anytime soon. Studies first. :)

I haven't seen Nathaniel and Vince yet. Don't worry kids, tita's coming over to see you or maybe you can come visit tita instead. Plane ticket's kinda expensive for me. hahaha! I badly want to fly to San Francisco NOW! See you soon babies. :)

BEWARE!

Do you have networking sites? How did it affect you? Do you enjoy using it? Do you get benefits from using it? Have you established new relationships through it? Have you felt violated by some of the programs and applications?

Online networking sites can be helpful or otherwise. You get to meet people from all over the world and establish friendship, share ideas, get educated by their cultures. You learn from them how real life works aside from all the lifestyle living shows we see on tv. Here, you actually hear it straight from them, on a personal level and in a more conversational manner. It's interactive cause you exchange your opinions and don't just take in whatever is laid before you.

The internet is the fastest way to connect people in real time. Who would need to wait for a day, a week, a month or year to receive a reply from someone across the planet? Gone are the days when people sit and stare blankly into space waiting for a letter, a response. Now you only have to do some clicks and tada! the person you are talking with can be seen live and animatedly. Communication, made easy.

But wait there's more.

People used to hire detectives or investigators to search for someone. Now, there are a thousand search engines you can use to track people you've lost in touch with, like friends, families, or even enemies. Criminals get busted through the helping and friendly use of the net. Well, it's just sad for those criminals who have their infos posted in their accounts for the world to see.

I have also heard a lot of stories about how people end up in marriage with someone they met online. It may sound ludicrous and absurd, others might think its informal and impossible, but for others, it's a match made in the internet. Others believe that their soulmate is somewhere halfway across the world, and that the cyberspace is where they can only meet. For some, looking for someone in the internet is a desperate resolution to their lifelong quest for love. There are also those who think that having a relationship and marrying a western-bred person is the answer to alleviate them from their personal financial problems and improve their lives.

On the downside, however, some are taken advantage of through the internet. Well I could consider myself witness to this and I could give testament to this case. Well, I was not gravely victimized, but in some ways some of my rights were violated. Not that I already did some strip shows or what. Come to think of it, there are actually those who would give in to the demands of someone they're talking with. When they're asked to "put on a show", others, without any hesitations just take their clothes off, and well the events could get worse after that.

Privacy. It is something that is robbed off of you once you agree and voluntarily join on networking sites without careful thinking. It's really good to be completely and totally honest about the information you key in to the required areas to complete your request to join, however, it is advisable to just keep some important and private information about yourself that are sometimes very unnecessary for people to know. For example, you just don't put your exact address, your contact numbers and for the "unforgivably" stupidity, your bank account numbers. Once you join the virtual world, you know you have lost your entire privacy. Don't get shocked when some random strangers suddenly details you some information you didn't even give out. They have some kind of strategies or systems they use to extract your precious information. Just BEWARE.

BANGED

No! It's not the kind of bang you might be thinking of. I just had my hair cut (by myself). :) A pair of scissors and having nothing to do after an exhausting and disappointing day, I chopped my hair AGAIN. The cut is uneven, so maybe I'll have this fixed by an expert. Maybe a trip to the salon would do my hair a favor and make myself feel better. :)) So here's my so UNprofessional cut.

Inked

I've always wanted to have my tattoo. It would be a risk, and should require a lot of pondering, 'cause once you get inked, it's forever. 

I overheard from someone that a tattoo is someone's identity. People close to you will recognize you through your tattoo, it's like your birthmark but just artificially done. I want to have my own identity. That identity must fairly and appropriately represent who I am, since I will be wearing it for the rest of my life. I want a story behind it, or maybe a reason for it, something that would remind me of something special. Others tattoo the names or symbols of their loved ones, that's why their tattoos are meaningful, or maybe a certain significant emotion the day they decided to get the tattoo. I want to have a story behind mine too, so that when I grow old, when my grand children ask me about it, I'd have something to tell not just say, "uh... 'cause lola thought it was cool". Tattoos are cool, and I couldn't disagree with that, but I want my tattoo, one day when I get one to exceed the "coolness" factor of it that most people attribute to it.

Tattoos are great art. They are expressions of a person's individuality and the courage to stand out from the norms. Others may have it occasionally, and as often as they want to, but for some including me, as a first timer, to have one is a great deal since I don't look at it just as a status symbol, it's more than that, it's a symbol of full growth and maturity and appreciation of one's self, that's why you want to adorn your skin with something great and something creative.

Since I haven't found the courage to get inked, nor have I found the design or symbol to represent me, nor have I decided on the place where to put it, for now, I made this tattoo for myself. The image isn't clear, but it's like feathery with words, "light as feather". I made this out of boredom during my Finance class and I was feeling down so I had to remind myself to always feel light. haha! Does it even make sense?

Whine Wednesday

I rode the jeepney holding back my tears.

My Wednesday class don't begin until 2:30 in the afternoon. Waking up early gives me enough time to do other things, like fix my messy room, do my assignment which I failed to do the night before because of an exhausting film shoot, make my own lunch which is just hotdog and fried rice special, and realize that something is perceptibly, obviously wrong. Something was wrong, I couldn't exactly tell what.

I started fixing myself at 1:30, put on my lame white shirt, faded black jeans, sneaks and beanie hat to cover my disheveled hair. I didn't take a bath or let's just say wash my hair. The weather was intolerably humid and I was sweating even though I wasn't moving a lot. I didn't want to move, not a single muscle. I didn't feel like going to school. I wasn't prepared and my assignments were undone. It's an awful guilty feeling of wasted time. But I had to go. I had some business to do: return the video cam and halogen lights we used for the shoot and pay the remaining balance of the charge. My group mates could've shared their part, but I took responsibility of everything. Depending on other people worries me more than doing the job myself. During the trip, sweating and uneasy, my thoughts were wandering to distant places and half of my self wants to go home. NO. I have to RETURN the things I borrowed. That was just the main point of going to school. Not the school itself. I just thought, since I was already there, why not just go to class and get something from the discussion. But it wasn't like that. I should've skipped class. I could've felt better since I missed my HBO (Human Behavior in an Organization). My +1 for the final grade was blown away just like that now that I have an unexcused absence. One point is still one point. Business Statistics lessons are just too much for my brain to handle. Made me regret going to class plus I have no assignment to pass for the second time, another reason to feel more remorse. My third and final class wrapped up the day with nothing else but GUILT. I thought I could get away with an assignment unmet through my excuses but I guess our professor is just to old to be outwitted. His straight, incriminating, hey-lil-missy-I've-heard-so-much-of-your-worn-out-excuse-a-thousand-times-before look, I knew immediately my alibi didn't work. It's okay with me to miss on the 20-point assignment, but my pangs of conscience couldn't ignore that I have just caused my two group mates their 20 points because of my being irresponsible again. I know they were just pretending that it was okay, but I can feel that they were blaming me for it, they just couldn't be straight forward about it, I know they're disappointed. Just as how I was disappointed of myself.

Figuring out what have caused this gloomy, mundane feeling is hard. I could blame the unpredictable weather that goes from hell-ish scorching hot to very wet and cold, or I could blame my professors for being so demanding about school projects, that they couldn't understand that we are but mere human beings with very limited energy, or maybe I could blame someone else for this, anyone, anything except myself. I don't want to blame myself. But the truth is, I am to be blamed, I am the cause of all these guilt I've been feeling. I just don't want to acknowledge. No one does. It's a human err that we all turn our backs to. We don't like to fix this error, this disease we all suffer. Why are we so afraid to accept our own mistakes, why are we too reluctant to acknowledge that we are erroneous? Errors, don't make us less humans, rather it makes us real humans, imperfect and in an unending endeavor for perfection. 

What scares us to accept guilt or blame is the feeling that ensues afterwards. 

I was walking blindly, and everything that I see are hazy images that drift behind my vision, everything was blurred, even the sounds were inaudible, there was just me and the feeling. Thrusting in my mind and in my heart. My eyes were blurred with tears I didn't want to shed. I've encountered it before, I knew the feeling, but for a long time now, I've never felt it. The unexpected recurrence of it caught me in my most fragile, unprepared state. All I wanted were time and words. Time to sit and think, and words that will withdraw all the thoughts that have been bothering me, the things left unexpressed and withheld. Everything else conspired, school, family, self conflicts, to make me feel so down. This afternoon, I succumbed to all the suppressed feelings of pressure I've been carrying with me. 

My First Book (ever)

This is my first real purchase of a book. And I was not wrong for making such a choice. 

Why first "real" purchase? I don't buy books if they're not on sale. My previous purchases were induced by sale advertising. (I'm applying advertising knowledge here. haha) Most of the covers are not popular reads, but I thought of them to be interesting however not all were able to linger 'til the very last page. But there were also those that I've read cover to cover and have reread for several times like Larry King and Thomas Cook's Moon Over Manhattan which is wittily written. The book is a good source of a good laugh and was only 70 pesos. One of the good deals include Schindler's List which I'm planning to use for our book report. I may sound like an avid reader, but honestly I'm not really a regular reader like many of the rest. Well I read when I have the luxury of time or in the mood to just sit and wander through the world of what I'm reading. But I'd like to make it a habit to read. Reading is really fun and stimulating, and a good exercise for the eyes too. :)

FYI: One of our professors said that reading is a good way to prevent Alzheimer's disease because it allows the eyes to be in constant motion which is an advisable activity for the brain. 

How did I get my hands into Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist? After having lunch together, Paula, my friend asked me to accompany her to NBS to check on some books and pocketbooks. While Paula was scanning the pocket books, I visited the stand where Paulo Coelho's books were placed. I've always wanted to have a copy of one of his books, but every time I was about to buy, I would have second thoughts and end up not buying anything. Today was different. I impulsively said to Paula, I'm gonna buy this book. And right then and there bought it immediately before my mind ticks and start having second thoughts. 

So I now have this book with me and I'm really happy about the purchase that I made. Paulo Coelho is one-of-a-kind. It would be an embarrassment if he gets to read this. He's just incomparable, no wonder why he's able to make all of his books disappear and leave all the readers clamor for more. He has captured the hearts of his readers including President Clinton and Julia Roberts. It's really amazing to know that there's a commonality between the people we look up to and admire and us ordinary ones, and that is Paulo Coelho's book. It feels like he's bridging the gaps between people and that the book draws us closer to those who we thought are far beyond our reach. Come to think of it, people like Clinton and Julia Roberts appreciate the same book as you do. Yes, I know it may sound absurd or maybe irrelevant and unworthy to make a big deal out of, but for me, knowing such knowledge is gratifying.

The book is a good guide on how one can decipher his destiny and make his own legend in his lifetime. After reading the book it feels like anything can be done and nothing can hinder nor impede us from reaching our dreams. Life is limitless, it doesn't end, it repeats in cycle and so are the things that life sweeps through its course. It's either we settle for what we have or we brave into realizing our dreams. All the lessons you have to learn throughout your lifetime is craftily summed up in this book. I would want to spill everything here but I don't want to deprive you of the joy of discovering what the story is about by yourself. 

If you get to read this, read The Alchemist  and after that you will be seeing the world, life and love in a different kind of light. Happy reading. :))