a break from monotony

my disorganized thoughts once again have gone frantic. i feel that i owe my blog a lot of posts. from the last semestral break i had, until to the latest weeks of this semester, a lot of things have happened already. noteworthy things that i haven't put into record yet, and so the voice inside my head is screaming of memories overload already. but since i am an incoherent writer, i would once again write in a way that jumps from one thought to another, so please, just bear with me as i have always begged of you. i'm gonna post about the latest and the "biggest" happening in my very monotonous life.

The College Press Awards is an annual gathering of student journalists and school publications in the region to be recognized and awarded for their efforts in writing and journalism. Ten from our class were chosen to participate in the said event, including me. Among our school's representatives, I am the most demotivated and indifferent, sad to say. I had a different agenda in mind, which was to break free from my tedious home-school daily routine and enjoy a different sight in a different city. Three days and two nights, weren't enough for me to enjoy that break. If i can only bargain for an extension, i would. So, to sum it all up, our departmental publications The Lead Magazine and The Lead Tabloid bagged 25 awards. And, can I just laud myself here even just once? I won 2nd place in Copyreading. yaaaaaay! which was seriously and honestly unexpected. i guess i was just lucky. nevertheless, i'm very grateful and happy.

i told you i never expected this ;)

it was really worth it. 25 awards, one award deficit from last year's record. not bad. :)

the supremes. ice cream supreme. 

p.s. i need my thoughts be sewn together. will be posting soon. :)

tonight i realized my role as a sister.

a nine-year gap between me and my brother makes our relationship as siblings rough and fun and crazy and unpredictable. he's the one i asked God for when i felt so alone as a kid and envious of other kids who have brothers and sisters. i remember every night i would talk to God and ask Him to give me a sister, in specific. He gave me a little brother instead. I was grumpy and I complained, but later I knew that He knew that this little boy is perfect for me. i was disappointed when i first saw him at the nursery. he was not as cute as everyone else, he was red, and hairy and slimy and dirty, literally. he was not an adorable baby. he was fragile and sickly, and he was incubated for days. he was so small and so delicate. when i first held him, i promised to be the best sister i could. i was nine then, and that was a big promise to keep. what would a nine year old do to be the best sister? i would watch him sleep. i was always eager to carry him in my arms. he was so small and helpless. he was a gift.

years passed, he grew up, and became a rowdy kid. but one thing always remained, he was sweet and thoughtful and loving. i'm not a perfect sister, we would always fight and fight and fight some more. it's ridiculous that he even threatened to kill me. now you can imagine how terrible i am as a sister. i promised to be there for him in whatever, to help him when he needs to, but sometimes, no make it most of the time, i get irritated and pestered and annoyed by his presence. i help him only when he grovels. i am a hideous sister, while he's been so loving. it was only at night when i get the chance to make him feel that i love him. when i hold his hand and hug him. he's really persistent when he asks me to sleep beside him which i always turn down. but when i do, it's always so precious to be with him, and see him smile when he says his good night and whispers i love you.

he's ten now, and growing up so fast. it's fun being a kid, i know cause i've been there. but i can say that growing up with the kind of mother we have is not easy and fun. we both know that we have to follow every rule, to do whatever is asked and to keep our mouths shut even if we're trying to make a point. i watch my brother go through the stern rules of our mother, and i know how it feels and how difficult it is to submit to her demands and expectations. i can't do anything salvaging for my brother, it's tight here at home. i know i can't be bold, but being discreet can make him feel that he's not alone, and that i am here. we are siblings, and he is my responsibility. i can only tell him to avoid the mistakes i've done and to do better when it's his turn.

i told him, "never answer back". something i failed to do. "when you're mad and when you can no longer hold it, take a pillow instead and pour out your anger into it." it's not something wise or thoughtful or something "sagacious", but it was a reminder i could have used for myself if i was only prudent and discerning enough before. the moment i snapped my words the first time, my relationship with my mother crumbled and was never like it was before. i don't want that to happen to him.

when you choose to find who you are, you have two choices, to become the person you want to be and lose everything that was about you or to be the person who you are.

i'm about to turn twenty and i don't have anything to consider as a milestone. twenty years have passed and everything is a blur when i look back, nothing sticks out that i consider as a defining moment aside from the outstanding fights and troubles i had and the rubble that i was and is am. when i talk about my life i find it unbelievable that people find it unbelievable. honestly, my life is not inspiring, is not exciting, it's just a chain of repeated mistakes that sometimes could get worse than the previous. happy memories cannot completely compensate for the degree of gravity of my mistakes, they could not suffice to neutralize them either. i am not in the state of melancholy right now, i'm having a spontaneous realization that suddenly hit me hard. when i look back and look ahead, these two give me equal anxiety.

classes have begun and i have the conscious effort not to screw it up, but in the middle of the semester, the passion will eventually die down. i want to shed off a part of me i don't know what.

november 5

i honestly don't know how to start it with.

my mind is in a major clutter and my thoughts are not sewn together, which is not something new. i have so many things to write about, how i spent my semestral break, what were the oddly unexpected things that happened, and the other whereabouts that comprised the three-week break from the hustling and bustling school months.

so what do i write about now? i'm gonna begin with the end of it.

a two more day lease of the break and everything will be back into chaos. today is the last day of my long gone best friend and tomorrow she's flying back to Manila. her life belongs there now, which unfortunately separated us when plans for college didn't turn out as how we've dreamed of it. going to college together, new school which is far from the old lives we have prepared ourselves to depart from, same dorm, late night project making, going out and chilling TOGETHER, that was the dream, but things were impeded by my parents who cannot afford to let go of my leash. but i have accepted the reality that i will always be living by their plans until i graduate. but this is not what this entry is all about. so she's leaving tomorrow and her birthday is today. she's anxious about her age actually which is understandable. everybody freaks out in a different way everytime they turn a a year older, while others simply let the day pass without fussing about it. we spent half of the day together, doing the same old things we used to do, eat, talk, walk and eat, talk and walk some more. that routine has not changed even if parts of us have. there was a bit of awkwardness since the gap has been long and a lot can happen in a while. we were leading separate lives for a long while, but inspite that something that we have shared once keep us on the same ground. the people from the past and the gushing about our old crushes never fail to lighten up the conversation and bring us back to how we were.

dinner with her family was fantastic. the back ribs were very satiating but the laughters filled my appetite way, way, way more. her father is so adorable, a judge who doesn't look and act like one. the nipslip of her father was epic. :) her mother is very accommodating and reminds me a lot of my mother. and her sisters are very intellectual and witty, all products of University of the Philippines. the dinner was filled with a lot of conversations and humorous exchange of stories.

the night has to end. i went home and when i hit my bed, it was only then when everything sank in, she's leaving and it'll take a while before we see each other again. it's sad to be left by a friend, a best friend, my sister. we may not talk a lot, but her presence makes me feel that i have a friend i can always laugh with and that no matter how crappy life can get, we can always whine about it together and at the end of the day, laugh about it. that's her, my soulmate. she's like the other half of me, the one that destiny has included when it created my story. one of the main characters that my story will be incomplete without her in it. i'm gonna miss her.