School's Tough, but We're Tougher

Second semester has officially started and the usual jitters, cold feet and anxiety creep into every student's system AGAIN. Probably not every student feels this way, but I certainly do. I missed the first two classes for today, which isn't a good satrt and I had two people I mean three people to act as my conscience and convinced me to attend my 6:30 pm class. Their convincing powers totally worked and I thank God for sending angels in the guise of my friends to help me make the right choice. haha! And they were right about attending my class, because it was really a great start.

First ice breaker we did was to introduce ourselves which is the typical firt day scenario in a classroom with a new prof and the twist here is to tell a tale about our course: how did we end up with this choice of course, what's the most painful slash traumatic experiance as a communication student, the happiest moment you had while in the course and how do you see yourself after graduation. We only had to choose one among these options and share it to the class. Here are soome random answers which really captured my attention:


How did you end up with this choice of course?
* I chose Communication because this is what I've always wanted.
* I want to widen my knowledge about this field and I want to improve my communication skills.
* I want to work as a researcher on a documentary show.
* I've always admired my tita, she co-owns an advertising agency and she's rich.
* I'm noisy and someone told me that I should make use of my noisyness and take up communication.
* Ever since, I wanted be a novelist and write my own stories.

What's the most painful slash traumatic experience that happened to you as a Communication student?
* A resounding grief of answer: When my Photography and Multimedia prof gave me a line of seven grade which became my ticket to the probationary list.


What's the happiest moment you've had during the entire course?

* Another resounding heartwarming answer: Having you all as my classmates and meeting new friends worth for keeps along the way. :)

How do you see yourself after graduation?
* An HR person for an American based publication.
* Journalist as noble as Korina Sanchez.
* Managing my own advertising company.
* Writing a novel.
* (Probably holding a cup of Starbucks coffee, carrying piles of papers, well invested eye bags, cramming on deadlines, laying out designs, covering photoshoots and running into a lot of parties. :) )


Whatever answers we gave, it all boils down to one important thing, we've learned to love what we're doing after months and months of questioning why e chose thise course. We never knew why we chose communication, most of us, but after this activity, we realized that we knew the answers all along and we only needed something like this to tap on what's been there for a long time already. We know, but we refused to acknowledge. And after so many challenges and considerable number of failures, we still made it through and we've learned from our self-inflicted anxieties brought about by our tolerance for procrastination, cramming and dependence on other eople, but as we went along, as we have surpassed these challenges and look back to our mistakes, we can say that we've travelled quite a distance already from where we used to be and how we used to be and we can say that we've changed, we've improved and we've matured. We don't see it vividly yet, but we're on our way to get there and its not that long 'til we reach it.

we're now merged into one class and I know that this is gonna be a crazier and tougher sem. I know I'll be having fun and I challenge myself not to oversleep too much and not to cut class. :)

A Step at a Time and You'll Get There

For more than half a year since my mom and I had a decent talk. During my debut last summer, her message for me was full of bitterness. The whole thing can be compared to a movie wherein we were just acting in front of the people who came to celebrate my birthday with me. When it was my turn to give the message, I couldn't help myself but vent out my emotions though I tried to hold it back but I just couldn't keep my tears from falling. After the celebration, my friends kid about the whole thing and how it made them cry just like the movies. Well it was a downpour of emotions, we couldn't help it, I'm easily jerked in tears and my dad's equally emotional as me, but my mom's the tough one with a convincing poker face to conceal what she truly feels. She's hard as a rock and that's something I admire about her and at the same time fear for her. She always sends me into curiosity and puzzles me with how she really feels toward someone or something. She has a way of reacting appropriately in the situation even though it sometimes contradicts her emotions, a good coping mechanism though. Her strength is what I've always wanted to have, something I would ask for, something I would want to learn. She's always been my rock, someone who has always stood by me, someone who would come into my rescue and fight for me when I could no longer carry on with the battle, someone who would sacrifice.

I feel so miserable not to let her know about how much I admire her, how I look up to her, and how much I love her. I feel so incapacitated and unworthy to speak up to her and tell her these things she should be proud about herself and I should be thankful for as her daughter. I just can't. I know that despite our constant arguments and exchange of hurtful words, I know she still cares about me. I can feel it and I know it. When I chance upon looking at her eyes, I can see that she feels so bad about how I turned out to be and that she misses me. If she had the chance to glance upon my eyes, I hope she also saw how much I long for her.

Circumstances sometimes work out to be a way for things to get better or somehow ease things and lead to immeasurable beginnings of improvement.

I had to sleep with my mom and my brother at the master's bedroom as my room was used by my cousin and her baby daughter while staying for the break. I am the last person to sleep at home due to some unknown reasons, insomnia probably. It's really chilly inside my mom's room and I had no blanket to cover my shaking body. I was half asleep and I am still conscious with what's happening around me, but my mom thought I was already so dead asleep, so guess what she did? Yes! if you're guess is right, she placed a blanket on me. If she only knew that I was still able to sense what she did and i wasn't unconscious yet, I know she would've not done that 'til she's sure that I won't know about her sweet act. I knew it! She loves me still and I'm glad to know that she still cares about me. I know she always did and always will. And now, we're starting to have short conversations mostly random questions and answers. Hahaha! But it still counts little by little, we'll get there.

Why I don't say I LOVE YOU

It's easy to jump from one relationship to another, but it only takes one man to make a girl stay.

Swinging from one guy to another sure is easy, fun and so much less complicated than locking yourself to one person. This kinda works for me. Being care-free and free-spririted, notice the "free" always attached, I prefer to be unattached. As quoted by my friend Charisse, we need space to grow and we can possibly achieve growth if we're not surrounded by some barriers that would limit our space and compete with our attention, time and energy. But the truth is, it's not just about enjoying sweet freedom alone, it's also about having security with yourself knowing that you don't have to rely on someone else for your happiness because you know that happiness is what we make when we feel secured. I may be naive, but it's the safest way to ensure yourself of messy and painful break-up drama and other traumatic experiences. When you like someone, don't invest sooo much emotions on it 'cause it may turn out to be some dirty business. I just don't like getting all dirty and messed up. I don't want to end up like those other girls blowing their noses and eyes soared with overfowing tears until their tear ducts get all dried up.

I am not stubborn. I'd like to think that I'm wise when it comes to love and all the mushy things along with it. Sadly, I am not wise and I'm like those any other girls who cry when they end up broken hearted. I have my own fair share of unhappy endings. I have gone through the times when i have totally lost my faith in love and faith in someone who will take away all the pessimism that have pent up after years of not finding happiness with someone I could call mine.

I just don't say I Love You because I can't. Because I'm afraid, because I'm a coward to face all that would come after those three words.

I'm 18, not young neither old enough to fully define what life is. One thing I'm certain about is that, I struggle to live. We all do. We are one and the same in this fact, and the other is that we all have our own ordeal to face, but what makes each of us different and unique is how we stand up, face and deal with life's challenges.

On my most recent previous post, I've mentioned that me and my mom's relationship with one another is quite hazy. And to update you, well we've had some short exchange of words already, well mostly when I ask something from her and that's it. A development, quite dragging though. But how did it all started? If I have to give details of it, well I can't recall the main reason why we started not talking, maybe because several other reasons came about and I can no longer distinguish which is the real point of this misunderstanding. It's a misunderstanding, a reason to be considered with an additional miscommunication or lack of communication at all, inhibitions and miscalculated apprehensions to spice it up. To even get things boiling, well, I'm the kind of daughter who would hesitate to say sorry. Yes I know, I am the daughter, younger and lesser than the parent and if there is one person to give that apology, that would be me. It's crystal clear to me and I surely know this. But I resist, not that I don't want to say sorry, but I choose not to, for now. My stubborn reason for this is, if I say sorry and then commit more offenses, it's just like I never valued my apology and the forgiveness she'll give me. And I know that I am yet to commit more mistakes, mistakes that could disappoint her AGAIN, so I choose to save my apology for the right time, the time when I can fully assure myself and my mom that I have less tolerance for an another mistake.

The challenge here is to show her I'm changing, and not to just bluff nor deceive her with my apologetic words. I want to show her that I really am sorry rather than just tell her I am. Well I hope she'll understand the delay. And I also hope that you could relate well with my reason. Well your entitled to your own opinion and I know that you also have your own piece of mind for this, but for me, this is my piece of mind.

Star-lit gloomy skies

-my brother NJ and mom having photo op :)-

The rain has finally stopped pouring after days of restless downpour, and I'm so glad about it that I won't have to have my feet soaked again as I walk myself home on the village's concrete grounds. It was a bit chilly, my exposed toes were clammy while the wind continues to blow, grateful I wore my black jacket to somehow keep me warm. It was dark and I passed by some "tambays" probably some builders/carpenters spending their night's rest talking with their co-workers over bottles of gin, which made me feel scared. I continued walking, and when I reached the point where the street felt empty with nothing on it but me, I was struck by a melancholic feeling that triggered my longing for one person, my mom.

We're not talking for almost roughly 6 months and counting. All communication lines were cut between us, no talking at all which is ironic since we're living under one roof. We've been avoiding each other and it simply crushes my heart because I miss her badly, I want to hug her again, I want to tell her that I'm not doing well, that I can't afford to disappoint her again. I miss how we used to stay up late, eating junk food while talking about my crushes and her childhood, I miss how we would laugh about the silliest things, I miss how she would critique what I wear, I miss how she would ask me to tie the ribbon of her dress, I miss when she asks me to pluck her underarms, I miss how she hugs me tight at night when I get scared even though i'm this old already, I miss how she would move aside at night when I knock on her door and sleep on her bed, I miss how she would put on the blanket when I feel cold thinking I'm already asleep, I miss how she held my hand and how her presence eases me. I miss my mom, and my best friend.

I can't help but cry every single time I think about this, no matter how I pretend to be strong and naive, inside me, I feel so empty and devastated, longing for my mom hen I know she's just within my reach but I just couldn't touch her.

:(

<3>

and the rain never stopped

Monday, 102809

It's a gloomy Monday just right after the rain has subsided, it was not just any ordinary rain but it was caused by a storm named Ondoy who struck the Luzon areas for the past few days and has greatly devastated properties and interrupted the normal lives of the people and has turn Luzon into a large water basin.

I woke up to my feet wet this morning after leaving the window opened last night. My toes were freezing and my body felt really groggy and my eyes were chinked at the first ray of light. The wind seeped through the small slits of my sliding glass and found its way to give me chills. It's no ordinary Monday knowing that some people out there have lost their homes to the ravishing flood, knowing that they could barely eat, knowing that after the storm all that is left to them is their gratitude to God for surviving such calamity.

I turn to myself, asking whether I did anything to be of help to these people, whether I did anything to ease their suffering, whether I did my role as their fellow Filipino, whether I did my role as a human being. Help was constantly delivered to them to temporarily aid them at the moment, but after this what's gonna happen to them?

How can I help? How can we help?

Here's a line from the movie Surrogates, I don't know if I'll get this right but it sounded like, "The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the time we lose our humanity."

Let's fight against the calamity and show that we can survive the devastation it has brought to us because we are one and united Filipinos. Let us pray for the safety of those who are in Luzon and others who are gravely affected by the typhoon.