personal disclosure

i've always imagined myself to be someone else. to be like someone i admire, i look up to, but i've never imagined myself as who i really am. it's difficult for me, it's hazy and i'm scared. i'm scared to see myself as who i really am because i might not like the person i will see. i've never been confident in the things that i do. my actions may often give people the notion that i always know what i'm doing, but the truth is, i've never been so sure of myself. everything i do rely on the people's approval. my decisions are always in complacency to what people expect of me. i've never decided on something that is for my own satisfaction, everything should be in accordance to what they want of me. i don't want to be a rebel, i just want to be myself. to be who i really am. to accept what i can and can't do, who i am and i am not. 

i want to see myself from another's perspective. i want to know whether everything i hear is true. i have a tendency to easily believe a person, to hold on to what they say to me, to trust them easily, but i also have the tendency to be skeptical of what people tell or show me. i always have the apprehension that the things people do or say to me have underlying motives. i am prejudiced when people are treating me nicely. i usually misconstrue people's actions, always jumping into conclusions always giving meaning to everything. i always get into trouble for that. 

this is not the way i want to spend the rest of my years. there are so many things to appreciate in life, but my unassisted perspective towards people, towards life has adulterated the way i should deal with and see things. i'm afraid to wholly open up myself, because i am scared of what they might think of me. i may put on a bold face, strong from the outside, but within i am undermined by my insecurities. i've always wanted somebody to love me and appreciate me, to recognize me as for who i am. i know it's self-seeking but other people's approval always matter to me. a lot of things and ideas are contradicting and i am caught in between what i want to be and what other people want me to be. i don't know which to pursue. i don't even know if i could strike a balance between the two. all i want is to cut the strings that hold me back. to be able to do what i want and what i know best fits me.

i am nineteen, and as i look back i can see how things have changed, and how chaotic my life has been. i have taken dark paths along the way but i'm glad i did some mistakes, because from those i've learned and from those experiences i can tell myself that i'm not going back. it's senseless to be envious, but to desire for something that you don't have isn't so bad after all. it's what keeps you driven and motivated to push yourself harder. being not so sure of yourself reminds you that you aren't perfect, that you have flaws and that you are human, and those things would keep your feet on the ground. when you haven't found yourself yet, it means that you still need to do more explorations in life, and that there many things left undiscovered, and that you have not yet fully grown into who you are supposed to be, with all potentials realized, that who you are right now is temporary, that you have a chance to improve yourself and to realize your full potential cause this isn't the end of the road yet. you have to look for yourself. you have to find out who you really are. i have to know who i really am and what i want to do with my life. 

people inspire me. merely observing them allows me to see life itself. life is unfair that is for sure, but it is not a reason for us to complain and not to be happy. i've seen people who aren't so blessed financially but are happily living their lives, and those who are enjoying things that money can buy aren't completely happy at all. how to measure life's worth is relative. others have realized their life's purpose in ways different from that of others. but what would matter most in the end is when you can tell yourself that you had a happy life and that you don't have any regrets. it may be hard to find what will give us that true happiness, but i'm sure it's just around the corner. it's there, we only have to find it. we look for it through hard work so that when we finally find it, we can say that everything was worth it. we have to be able to tell ourselves that in everything we did, the outcome is worth it. it must be. because when things aren't valuable at all, all efforts will be wasted. if the end isn't as great as we expect it to be, don't feel downhearted, try to look back again, because maybe along the way something great happened, but we didn't notice it because our minds and hearts are directed only toward the end. we often miss out on things because we forget to pay attention to details, to the little things that happen to us, because our thoughts are often overwhelmed by the greatness of what we desire. 

life begins in every second. every second is a chance to make a difference in our lives. :)

-nadine