does anybody know?

does anybody know how many times your tears trickle on your face at night... how many times you had to comfort yourself because no one's there... does anybody know how much you hate yourself for being what you are and what you have become... that in every smile that lights up another person's day masks the sadness that tears you up inside... do they know that you want to be listened to, that you want your every word to matter... do they know that your insecurity belittles yourself and that you've wished to be someone else even for a day... does anybody know that your dreams, they may be weird and beyond other people's leagues and understanding, but these are the only reason that keeps you living... do they know that your dreams are made of and for the people you love, and the people you love are the people who hate you... do they know the things you went through, the things you compromised and sacrificed... do they know that in your isolation you feel you are the biggest and the best, that detached from the world you become your you... do they know that sometimes to find the answers to this, all you want to know is if someone really cares... if someone really loves you.

It has hurt so bad that I could no longer feel anything nor does it affect me. LIE.

It will be a big hypocrisy if I pretend that everything's fine. Same old things happen, same old reasons revolve around same issues, same arguments transpire, same fights that never get resolved, and of course same old feelings keep on betraying me no matter how much I try to numb and ignore them. 

I stood still, I took everything, fathomed every hateful word. You have your side, your own reason and justification for your actions, but how about me? Don't I deserve the right to question why you abhor me so much? Why you have to be physical on me? Did it ever cross your mind that your word torture me more than anything else? I don't want to think that your being selfish, I always convince myself that it is your responsibility, but I guess you've crossed the line. I never doubted your support, I will be forever grateful for it, but I never expected that it comes for a price, and it's just too much to settle. 

Going home has never felt so comforting since we sparked another futile argument. I'm always on my toes, always conscious and scared of my every action. We never spoke, we never bothered to speak to each other, but that night when you crossed the line again, as I stood still, enduring every single hit. It was not enough for you. I kept quiet, and cried myself to sleep. I know I caused you to be that mad, and I'm sorry. But do you really have to hit me every time? Your stare, it bores through me and in it I lost you, and in it I saw your love for me consumed by hate. I'm sorry. I wanna go home to your arms again, the way it welcomed and wrapped me in the warmth of your love, where I feel my safest.