The afternoon has just set and now on its early hours. The sun striking with a blinding light, illuminating my room. It's not hot, just the kind of warm that puts you into lazy, quiet mood, perfectly whisked to make you think.

Steady. This afternoon is just steady, reading from others' public update of their lives in all social networking sites, frantic, hopeful, excited and anticipating of the next year in a few hours. It's the last day of 2011 today, and I am here reminiscing how the year was. 

But that's another story.

What would be a better way to spend the last day of the year? Thinking. Yes, I think a lot and it has done me good and caused me trouble, emotional surges, confrontations and unnecessary woes. 

Sitting quietly in my bed, I thought to myself, there's one thing that I've been trying to avoid for years in my life, and that is steadiness. The steadiness that would last and drag for a long time, it scares me, it worries me. For steadiness could fall into routine and complacency, the lack of passion and life in the things that we do, for the people we love. 

It makes me wonder what transpires in the minds of the people when they've grown too comfortable with each other, does the peace on their face reflect what's inside their thoughts? What secrets do they keep? I'm sure we all have secrets we keep. How they feel about a certain thing? These things that could just run around in a steady situation without being discussed. It's lonely. It's frustrating to think that we could not do anything about the things that people keep from us especially if we are directly affected by it. 

Shouldn't we accept that there is no such thing as permanent? That everything we thought would last would eventually wash away through the years, that the things we keep intact would soon weather and that only one thing's bound to happen, change. 

2012 I know you will be a very big change in my life.

Table for Two

Friendship is not defined by proximity or the length of time two people have spent together, its not about the number of memories shared, it is about bridging the distance and feeling like you've never been apart, it's about making every time spent together last like eternity and making every single moment a memory worth remembering.

Charisse and I have known each other since we were elementary, as she remembers it vividly we first made a proof of how good as a team or a duo we are during our quiz bee when we were in grade 1. I had all the answers that got us to the final round and she had the correct answer for the final question which I could've gotten wrong had I not listened to her. We won the contest. In one of the contests in our fourth grade, we paired up and practiced together, we were a perfect match as we were the key pair of the group, chosen to be the final pair when the game got tougher, and with an unquestionable coordination and unity, we won. Things began to get better for us when got into high school. Our second year highlighted and jumpstarted our friendship which was soon forged into a deeper and higher status of sisterhood. We complement each other, we learn from each other, and as what we have always believed we are twins by soul, separated by birth.

College was a test in our friendship, having to spend four crucial years of emotional instability and identity crisis, a friend is someone who would constantly reassure you of your strengths, and would keep you sane. Having missed milestones in each other's lives as well as those times when our morale is at rock-bottom, it was tough getting by without a friend. Apart, we have met other people to fill in the roles we are supposed to fill in, we have created our dreams, when we used to always dream together and build some of our dreams around each other, this time we were on our own, reaching realizations when we were by ourselves. We have found our passion separately, we have lived lives apart from each other's shadows, and most of all we have learned to grow.

Breaks became the only times we can make up for the time we've lost, it's hard to congest all the things that have happened in a year in a span of two to three hours. Some things that were kept in the shelves of our thoughts and archived are often left undiscussed. Our friendship may have gaps, but that doesn't make our friendship any less.

The things we've talked about, the way we talk, the topics we pick to discuss about, the people we've spent time with in the absence of another, the places we frequent, these things have changed, but looking at her talk animatedly, listening to her high-pitched voice, the old rants and whines, apprehensions and the security of uncertainty, I know we've never changed. There will always be that high school Charisse and Nadine somewhere tuck in ourselves, sooner or later we have to shed it off, but one thing will remain in our high school selves, the friendship we've built and kept strong.

Stars and Boulevards

When the stars shone the brightest, when the night skies were the clearest... that's when I felt the darkest. Coincidentally, the darkness of the sky and the eclipse of the moon were signs of an impending doom and the end.

When love is not enough to hold things together, to promise you that everything's gonna be okay as long as there's love, when it no longer works its magic, that's when you need something to fall back on to save whatever there is left of. But, what if there's nothing else you could fall back on? What if love's the only thing that can save it, but now it's gone.

The first one who gives up is not the weaker one, maybe he or she is just the wiser one to acknowledge the fact that no matter how hard both of them have tried it's not gonna work and keeping things together is not a sign of strength but a sign of cowardice to admit that they've reached the end of the road.

Pain lingers for a while, reminiscing will be the unwanted company, and memories will be the best reminder of how good it was and what went wrong, and maybe in one of those memories you will come across with eventually you will find consolation and the answer to why things didn't last as hoped for.

Maybe, just maybe, forgiveness will save it all.

Love Sick (Barfs)

While watching wedding videos and listening to vows, I realized how love sick I am, that I still have that hopeless romantic lurking inside me. We all are sucker for happy endings and fairy tale like stories, even the most cynical beings have that secretly and buried deep down inside them, hating to admit it as a sign of, maybe, a rebellion against things that are superficial, but we all are superficial, we also just hate to admit it.

I take it as an inside joke on me whenever I feel both a cynic and a believer, when I doubt the things I believe and believe in the things I doubt. It's inexplicable but such thing exists in me.

How many times have we seen ourselves married to the person we are with right now? How many times have we had replaced the person we used to be with? Looking at a relationship as something that has no end is good while the spark is there, while the person remains the same the very first time we knew them, however, what happens when reality kicks in, when the person we thought we knew is someone different? Do we still see a future with them? Do we still see love like there's no end in sight?

To keep a relationship a lasting one, requires a lot of things, to begin with it is also something. So what's with the love sickness? The thing about being in love is when you see past through what's right in front of you, to believe even in the most impossible and to feel emotions you've never felt before. It is when quotes become part of your conversations, it's when love stories become relatable you even want to call them your own, it's when you start looking at the future holding that same hand you're holding now, it's when you feel scared but keep pushing forward anyway, it's when you start blogging about it.

When love kicks in, the doubts are kicked out. It's is entrusting yourself to the person, knowing that he might not perfectly handle you, but he will endure handling you and hold on to you no matter what. Yes, you may have imagined how your house will be, your wedding, how your vows will be delivered and what they will contain, you also have created names for your babies while you feel butterflies in your stomach, but it's not just about happy days, glorious days, it's about facing everyday no matter how ugly and awful it could be and making it end magically. Love is about hard work, it's not always like the fairy tales because even fairy tales tell us that there are villains to be taken down and struggles to be overcome to get to our happy ending.

Don't judge me, I'm feeling extra sensitive, and I hope you should too. 

Life

Life, this word, life, too short to type, too big to comprehend and too unpredictable for how long it stays. Hundreds or thousands have tried to define it, or paint a picture of it for themselves to understand and for others to have an understanding of, however we're missing out on the whole point of it. It is not to be defined, nor to be understood, it is to be lived because it simply happens and it will keep on transpiring while you're on your midst of trying to understand and figuring it out.

What am I saying then? To be honest, I really don't know. I'm not even trying to make a point, or maybe in a way, yes. The whole point of writing this is just for writing this. This thought currently bugging my every neuron is fleeting, yes this will soon be gone and if I delay this, this, this whole thing will be another thought lost in memory. 

We sometimes don't need valid reasons to do a certain thing, we do it because the timing calls for it, and impulsive as it may be called, we know that we did exactly how we felt at that moment, and that moment when we don not know what we're doing that, that is what goes down our memory. 

Yes, doing things in defiance and without precautions, when we put ourselves into the test, when we do not know what's gonna happen next but are sure that we will bravely face it as the price of our stupidity, that's when we have truly lived.

I always tell people I'm a boring person.

I really find it flattering when people say I'm fun to be with. It's the kind of compliment that I still haven;t fully believed in. When fun equates to being stubborn and reckless then, it figures, but I'm not really an outlandish to be doing crazy things all the time. It's always been my wish to be an interesting person, interesting in a way that you've done extraordinary things, or accomplished something really nice. But it's not like that, I'm not like that, really.

I would rather sit and talk and just stare into space or observe people, maybe intermittent silences to let your mind wander or your thoughts explore. I like listening to people, listening to their dreams, to their plans, to the things that they share even though most of the time I expect to receive the favor of being listened to, I talk a lot, incessantly if I like the person I'm talking to and the subject we are talking about. I like learning, that's the rewarding part of having conversations and listening to other people. When I learn something new, I let it sit in my mind, maybe give it a try sometimes or just keep it in my memory, I might need it one day.

There are different kinds of conversations from different kinds of people and from the kind of relationship you have with them. There are those people you talk about nonsensical and funny stuff, things that sometimes mock and make fun of other people or situations. These people you can be really creative and experimental with your imaginations with. They will forgive you for being stupid or laugh at it. There are also those people you talk about serious matters, not necessarily philosophical views in life nor politics, well maybe polotics at times. These people you have high respect and trust for are the people you share your views in life with. You create conversations you can learn from and exchange learnings with one another. There are also people you talk with because you think it's polite not to ignore them. There are also those you can never talk about anything with. Others just want you to listen to them. And there are also people you can talk with about anything, without fearing of being judged, they just let you be, listen to you, and you listen to them in return, you learn from them and they learn from you, there will occasional laughs, or serious tones, and sometimes you can cry to them, but still feel okay crying because you know they'll understand.

Sometimes the person you talk with about the same things you enjoy, the person you can easily relate to, the person who shares common interests with you, the person who makes you think that he or she is the one for you, you know you sometimes get the feeling that you two might be perfect for each other because you two are so alike, sometimes it could be wrong. I learned that if two people share too many things in common and like too many the same things, the conversations will eventually get boring and will be repeated many times in the future. There's nothing else more to share with them because you two know each other too much, which makes one of you too comfortable and too secured that you stop discovering things and surprising each other. I'm not sure, it's just one of my stupid theories. :)

If only my thoughts could be directly encrypted in this blog before they start to disintegrate into fragmented and incoherent thoughts that disappoint me especially when I cannot pick up the pieces and put them together to recall the whole thought. 

It's really impossible to be able to keep track of every event that happened within a week or even just within a day, but pieces of it will stay vivid in our minds, and not all the time these things are nice, perfect or magical, sometimes these memories that cling on to us hurt us or made us feel differently, scared and unsafe at one point. 

My heart was pounding and racing, trying to blink back my tears. My chest was twisted, breathing constricted and I started to pace faster. Everything was in a blur. Only one thing was clear, I was waiting that he'd make the first move or at least show sign that he's gonna fix it.

We both pounded as we part our ways, maddened by some vague argument, we both walked out only with pride in our hearts. I blame him, and he blames me for refusing to grant him forgiveness which was at that time should be made available for the taking, but I pride stopped me from giving it away easily. So there we were both mad and both waiting, waiting for whoever choked on his or her pride and make the move.

I stood as still as the shelves in the bookstore, unregistering every word I read. Startled by the hand that wrapped around my waist, I blinked back my tears and feigned a straight face. I avoided his eyes, I stopped the words to escape my mouth because I was sure my voice would crack and my tears will stream down my face, giving away how I really felt. 

We sat on the floor like kids, ignoring people, it was like a scene taken straight out of a cheesy flick. I started to fix the books, arranged them by titles, piled them and straightened them, right then and there I knew I was anxious and very depressed. People started to go to that part where we were, and tears that were welling in my eyes started to fall, so I bent my head down to conceal my crying face. 

He took me up, and freed my hand from every book I fiddled on. I couldn't look at him, I was mad at him, really mad, mad and disappointed for being a coward, for being unreasonable again. He wiped tears off of my face and tried to lock our fingers. He held my hand, I held his. 

We walked, silently. The grounds were wet, we were now outside about to go home when he directed me to take a seat on the vacant chairs. We sat there, quietly for a while. I looked at the grounds, the lights reflecting on the puddles, it's Christmas in a few weeks, and the wind is colder than the usual especially that it just rained. His voice was faint, saying sorry while I tried not to listen, tried not to give in. In low and almost inaudible voice, I heard a familiar tune hummed with gibberish words. It was Use Somebody,   a song by Kings of Leon, a band whose documentary he just watched, I downloaded it for him.

The deal, he did as what we agreed on, a song for every time I cry. It was a stupid deal I made him agree on, I just wanted to hear him sing, even if it takes me to cry, and it worked. I cried. Then I laughed, I laughed at his stupid face, he doesn't look stupid, not at all, he was sincere, but I still laughed because the deal actually worked. But it was not just about the deal, it was more of the assurance that he showed me, assurance that he's gonna do anything to bring things to normal and to make sure that everything is okay even if he'd need to murder a song.

We sat quietly for a while and talked some more. I like the rain, I like the feeling of sadness it brings, that sadness that is now replaced with company, contentment and happiness brought about by his presence.

I know there will be more songs to be murdered, more cliches to be recycled and more sleazy imitations of movie scenes, but I'm sure that we have a beautiful plot.

A New Start, Again

We all get fresh starts from some endings, and it's always up to us how to use this chance, this new beginning. I do sound redundant, but just let me be, I know I am. See? Okay, so fresh start, there we begin from words "new", "start", "beginning", "fresh"... all these words sound promising, because they really are. It's like you're handed with a clean sheet of paper, and you are about to make a new masterpiece, but then you start to be apprehended, to feel scared, afraid to taint that clean sheet with a possible err in a masterpiece, something that will affect the finish product. Okay, so it may not be visible to whoever sees your finish product, because artists have their way of concealing mistakes in their works, and that we never get to notice them, but only themselves know about it. They know that there was a mistake somewhere. Let's not talk a bout mistakes, let's try not to, it will only make things hard to begin with. So this is what I'm talking about...

Second sem's gonna start in a few hours, and as the usual, the previous one isn't worth bragging about. The usual slacking off, absences, mediocrity, complacency seasoned my previous semester, giving it a bland taste of success. I've been an underachiever ever since I started my college, not a good start, and it's followed by a streak of failures and disappointments, a couple of distractions from here and there, these things did not bring me back on the right track. And still, I'm offtrack, but that doesn't mean that I will always lose the direction. So the break I had, spent it over thinking, overanalyzing, overreacting, and overestimating things, used up all of my energy sulking, moping and complaining a LOT. It's time I shed off the negativity in me. Here I am again, challenging myself to a better semester. It's time to make good and impressive grades.

Relationships, this part is tricky here and a bit difficult to get into the details. Venturing into the unknown version of relationship, maybe not unknown, just the untouched aspect of the different faces of relationships because I've admittedly failed and faired badly at it, getting a head-on confrontation on "love",  this one deserves a good start. Not that it hadn't started yet, but giving it a fresh start everyday will keep things different and promising all the time. (See, I'm not really good at it, I don't know if I'm even making any sense)

Blogging or writing has given me catharsis, but as I've browsed through my blog entries and journal entries which I keep to myself because I can get severely cheesy at times, I've noticed how much of a downer I have been lately. Most of the entries were very depressing, sounded lost and sad, spiteful and regretful. To think that I've been like that for a long time now, I feel like I've wasted so much of the precious time, opportunities and energy by allowing myself to be possessed by so much negativity in me. What happened to the "inspiring" and "positive" person I want to be? Well, she took a break and relished in the sadness of life, but now I'm starting to get rid of those destructive emotions. Not that I'm totally blocking those emotions, but to start feeling these emotions in moderation when necessary. It's not that bad to feel sad at times, I always believe that in sadness, we can appreciate the value of happiness. So I'm harboring all the positive energies to write about positive and constructive posts, to keep that fervor of inspiring people.

Chances are unlimited, just as the possibilities, people may give you only a few of it or even try to suppress you from having it, but life won't. Life is an endless cycle of mistakes and lessons learned, and in every failure, in every downfall comes a new beginning, a better one if you will it to be.

So for our final term, we were asked to make a music video for an OPM song. This song earned me the exemption from the final exam.

Extra special thank you to Chelcie Olmedo for doing me the huge favor, for being my director and cinematographer. :))

This took us 2 hours to finish. It still gives me the anxiousness and awkwardness whenever I watch this. :/

The Routine

Finding ourselves always complaining about what's happening with our life can get routinely. Yes, routinely, like it is has integrated itself, voluntarily into our daily routine. For me, it has. For the past few days, almost a week now, I found myself always complaining and ranting and whining, habits I've perfected overtime. It is normal, since I've always been doing this since the time I began to expect more from life and sadly not doing much on my part to make it happen. That's the problem with most of us, we always complain that our lives aren't as great or as exciting as that of other people, and we even blame them or curse them for the good fortune that they enjoy. That's bitterness eating up our better selves. It destroys our perspective towards life, it even taints our relationship with people, our perception. Bitterness that lurks within us scrambles our thoughts and fuels our envy, when we see other people doing good with their lives, we sulk in one corner and condemn the world for being so unfair to us. We start to create these notions on why and how they become so lucky and become skeptical of how they made it that way. We would think unjustly of them, we would focus on their negative sides, feed on their issues like it is our daily  necessity for living, we wait for their downfall and even take joy in it. That kind of life is bound to end in sadness, despair and discontentment. When we live our lives to compete with others, to always do better than they can, to always put ourselves higher than them, when we seek for other people's approval and praises, that is a life that will soon exhaust you and wear you down, and by the end of the day, you'll find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled. Yes, you may have given your best, but all your efforts weren't tailored for your improvement, rather you have paved your way towards degradation.

The thing about this routine is, you can put an end to it. Yes, it is fixable and you can be rescued from it before you get trapped into it eternally. Save yourself, because only you can do that help to yourself. People will keep telling you what you should do to nurse this kind of problem, they will give you pieces of advice and solutions, but it is only you who can give the proper medication to this problem. The answer can be found within yourself. No amount of advices can fix this, because though you hear them you will never listen to them and worse, you will never apply them. You will perceive them as babbles and you will only doubt the intentions of people who are trying to help you because you already have developed this skeptic who inhabits your judgment. When you decide to stop moping around and blaming other people or even the world for your mishaps, it is then that you'll find the light, the answers and of course the solution to your problems. You will then have that clear vision of where you are and where you want to be, a picture of your best self. 

It begins now. The remedy is within your reach, the routine is bound to end, start it now.

When you crack, hold yourself together and try not to break.

The Perfect Life

We all have that picture of a perfect and happy life. 

When we were little, that picture seems so easy to achieve, just as how easy it is captured by our imagination. Maybe when we were little it was easier for us to believe that good things happen without having too much effort to exert, or it just happens naturally, because when we were young, our minds were innocent and untainted by the pains that life will eventually send in our way. We used to see life through rainbow colored glass, everything is possible, everything is just beautiful and everything is just perfect. 

Then life happens. As we grow older, we start to realize that it's not that easy at all, the spectrum of colors, the rainbow colored glass we used to see life through starts to lose its colors one by one, and the optimism is gutted by doubts and fears, then we eventually have a pragmatic and real version of life, that it's all black and white. Yes, life is black and white, just two options, two colors that will define the next things that will happen. 

The very moment we begin our struggle to make life perfect comes the reality that it is not easy, it's a constant and endless plight to do things in order, in accordance to what's acceptable, in complement to what's expected. Choices are to be made with only the good in mind, that anything that contradicts the norm is not good, actions should not hurt people, they should, as much as possible , be done with the best intentions only, then we become a shoddy version of people who have lead a bland kind of life. People who have thrown away their dreams, the dreams they used to have as kids, who have buried their passion deep down the demands of other people, who have grown to become complacent individuals rather than the unique ones. Then life starts to become black and white. Dull. Lifeless. Wasted.

That's the price of striving for a "perfect" life. The truth is, life is not perfect, too cliched as it may sound, but that's the truth, it may sting and it may have set your hopes to a perfect life crumble to pieces, but that's it, we have to suck it up and accept that fact. We will never get what we want, nor end to where we always want to be, we cant be with people whose arms we yearn for, and we can't always be who we want ourselves to be, not as perfect as we've imagined it. Then it will dawn on you that the struggle to that perfect end, to that perfect life gave you perfect moments, short, fleeting, but perfect and mind you, many of them. Those moments that passed by, those that we only had a grasp for awhile, those that we never expected, put them altogether, and you'll see a perfect picture of life, and that it is imperfect, but definitely beautiful.

Haggling

         

        

Haggling.

                People haggle to get the best out of the little that they can give, which is kind of unfair for the other end. It does not only happen during a purchase of good, sometimes real life circumstances may need some haggling when in desperation and hopelessness, haggling can give a little hope, a little light, a little chance of getting what you ask for. Since in life, money can't always play its role in buying things, haggling can be done in the form of a barter, an exchange of something for another, maybe giving up something for another or by in every essence of this word, harsh and hard, sacrificing something in exchange for something else. An agreement that could exist with another person, or with Someone who apparently owns and controls everything that we move around with in this world.

                Haggling has always been my resort when I ask for something that seems impossible. I bet something on an agreement that could possibly win me my wish, and hoping that in giving up something, I can have something that I lack at the moment. It has become a constant fallback whenever I feel that what I ask for is too much or too big, and for a while I thought that it's being fair, because I don't just ask for something, I actually am willing to give up or sacrifice something and make room for a new one, for something that I badly want. It's fair. Haggling has actually worked for me a few times, maybe enough for me to recall, but not overtime, then the inconsistency hit me, you don't get everything you demand for even if you sacrifice something else, and the old cliché then made itself once again, true, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Well, true enough, if one thing is meant for you no haggling is necessary, cause it'll be given to you without anything in exchange because it is really meant for you. But as I type this along, a thought contradicted me, haggling can justify the importance of something for you, because if you don't think of it as something as important as you see it, then you can just let it pass you and get by without feeling bad about it if you won't get it, but it's not. Per se if you are ready to give up something then it only shows that what you don't have is more important than what you already have at the present, and then another thought starts to argue with this, if you think that something is more important than what you have at the moment then it shows how discontented you are, and that you don't appreciate your blessings. Haggling is also an act of selfishness, in some cases that is, when you haggle and sacrifice something, you miss on considering how the other person or the people involved with the move would feel. It could hurt them, specially if the results or the consequences are too vague to foresee or too hard to prepare for. People will always be inevitably affected, and that's a part of it.There are selfless haggling too. To haggle for something that would help another person, directly or indirectly is a form of haggling that is selfless. If you haggle for the good of others, then most likely it would be granted.

                   

             I am in the state of haggling right now, still waiting and hoping that my offer would be taken and that my wish be granted. I have thought of the things that haggling can bring and do to me and other people, I have considered every aspect of it and examined every possible result of it, and I'm positive that it will not harm other people, and it may bring good to a few, but the fact that it will bring goodness is something that should keep me optimistic with the effort. In the end, it's still all up to HIm.

offbeat and deranged

so many things happened, overwhelming and unexpected things, disappointing things, things that taught me lessons, saddened me, escalated my joys and there were those that were spur-of-the-moment things that caught me in a state of shock and disbelief. innumerable things, great things and to try to list them down here one by one will just turn my head and thoughts into a great chaos of events, sifting through would be tedious, and I don't want to miss out on things, I just hate missing out on details, so I'm gonna talk in general or try to recall the ones that stood out the most. Emotions will always play that very significant and influential key role in my reminiscing of events, those that have set my emotions in a whirlwind are considered to be most significant and a stand out. 

The last few weeks of the first semester were really exhausting, weeks and days were always filled with so many errands and work to do, but as the lazy and slack that I am, I tried to put off some things until I get to the point that I realized that I was already running out of time, and that work was already taking its toll on me, but I don't like giving in to pressure, I condition myself that things should not be fretfully done, rather it should be done with ease and no pressure, but that doesn't work all the time, not at all. So I ended up cramming and suffering days  and nights without sleep, but I was not in the position to complain because all of these things were all because of my complacent attitude...

BLOCKED.

Life is a game of sudden death.

Every breath that finds its way out of the system could be the last. It's easy and comfortable for us to waste every second that we have, confident that we'll get several more, little do we know that each of it could be the last that is on the lease for us. Things that we enjoy right now are in contract, all bounded with an expiration date, the catch is that we don't have the slightest idea of when the contract is terminated. 

This fact could divide the preference of lifestyle of a person, one could live as if every second is his last or one could live with calculated risks and a premeditated future. A careless soul would wander and never settle, his philosophy in life would be that everything is temperamental, he could pretend to be naive and oblivious of what tomorrow could bring, life happens right at the moment, just as every word is read in this post, every action isn't taken into so much consideration, less apprehensions, just as how it presents itself is just as how it's taken, no explanations necessary, no justification of actions and no worries. He would jump at every given opportunity, grab it like it'll never pass the same road again or he would just let it pass because he's found his attraction on something that has enticed him prior to that, or he would try to juggle both, making everything fit into whatever his hands could hold. He's the type of person who would go with strangers, though with a hint of fear or doubt, he would set it aside believing that the people he comes across with will bring him to where he's supposed to be, after all he believes that life doesn't exist to run around circles, rather it's a journey that has a beginning and an end.

A life lived according to how things are written on a planner is a life that does not go beyond the pages of the planner. Everything begins and ends according to how they're written, how they're planned, how they're being put into order. Decisions are made with a lot of thinking and second thinking and probably a third one more to convince the person of the validity of the choice. An opportunity that passes by is pondered upon, so what happens is that the opportunity fleets or the opportunity doesn't fit the necessity anymore. The tediousness of this yields to a more secure and anticipated future, it could give a glimpse of possibilities and ramifications that caution the person. He most likely knows how to prioritize and give weight to things, one at a time, he knows how to divide the ample amount of time and effort because he somehow tries to figure things out ahead. Life is a journey and his planner is his map. 

At the end of the day, life will be life, it preys on us, it surprises us, it'll always give us unprecedented things, it's unpredictable, and no matter how you try to prepare yourself fo it, life happens and when it does there's no escaping. We are all bounded within this game, no one can just quit, not when life tells us it's the end.

Inhaling the dusty wind that the airconditioner blows, a cup of coffee on my left, the rain that beautifully meshes with a Coldplay song on the background, I have all the thoughts running on the loose inside my brains. The usual random, incoherent, fragmented thoughts of the past, of today and the apprehended ones of the future. I sift through them, taking only those that's important, as of the moment, and I have chosen the thoughts of the present.

It dwindles, it winds in a path of the uncertain, it could take me back to my past or project me to my blurred future. As I sit here I remember the memories that took place, discriminating the most memorable ones from those that I try to discard eternally. Feeling stuck in the moment, I recover those thoughts that have contributed in forming who I am, and then the questions are somehow answered. They may be unclear, but on one side of my mind, they're answered though the the other side seems unconvinced of the justifications. Where I am now, I am certain it's where I'm supposed to be. Nothing may seem to happen, nothing may seem insignificant nor nothing takes place that could go down in my record, but this sure is part of what's about to happen. 

The day is young, though the look of the weather may confuse it, and today's enthusiasm may be drowned by the rain, everything will all work together to turn this day into how it's tailored to be. 

I am selfish. I want you to fight for me, I want you to give up something for me, I want you to want me so bad. I won't be sorry if I ask too much, I do believe I deserve it, if you're not up for it, you just don't deserve me. I am not a figurine you just pick up when you have nothing left. I am your only option. Just me. So if you mean what you said, man up and fight for me. Don't be a douche and make an excuse that you're being sensitive, no you're not, you're a coward afraid to lose something. Now I'm telling you, you will never have me. Never.

You just don't know how much I miss you, how jealous I get when you give more attention and love to someone than you do to me. I'm sorry if I blurt out words that just come out like vomit, I can't hold them back. Not now, not when my emotions are heightened by anger. I'm sorry. The truth is, I miss you.

I know I'm not stupid, I only did it to let you know how much I hate this situation where we are now. I hope you could read behind the things that you see, and I hope your narrow mind would open a little space for understanding. It's not too much to ask of you, I know, but it's unlikely to happen. I know how your very murky thoughts work well for you to think of others in a very lowly and degrading manner. Sometimes when I think of how you could be so rigid with the things that you couldn't change nor comprehend, I am grateful that I am not like you. I may be the worst for you right now, you may have lost your hope in fixing me, but I assure you, this is just a phase I'm going through, you don't have to be a part of it, actually I don;t want to drag you in. When I make it through this rough patch, when I can prove myself to you, I'd only want you to see how good I will turn out to be, that I will assure you, and when that day happens, I can say that I owe a little from you, but don't think that I will never be grateful because the truth is, this part is that part where as much as possible I want you out of, but the rest, you're one big factor of who I was and who I will be, but at the moment, I know that you want me out of your life, out of your supervision, out of your responsibility. You don't have to look so mean and say that bluntly right on my face, don't worry, I know how to read clues and I am not so naive to think that we will soon be okay. I'm somehow contented that we act civilized people, no love, no nothing else, just living the roles we're bound to fill in, even if we both know that we're both so sick of each other. Your silence may be torture, but now I'd prefer that the coldness we both feel for each other would stay as discreet as it is, because hearing you once again, I can only remember how you can be so dementing and torturing with your words, I forgot that  your words are like knives that don't stab you right away, they scar little by little, building up pain. You torture me little by little, and each attempt, you do it so well. 

When the cold wind blows, and when your emotions blur your thoughts, the hazy amalgam of the two makes it so hard to distinguish the facts from pure emotions, and when the two blend and make a strong manifestation of what you really want and need, when needs and wants merge and become an irresistible one, when things start to make sense, you can't just reject them. When you can no longer question nor argue with what the mind and heart dictate, you resolve that you can object no more.

Objectivity is what rational people strive for, it's an endeavor that needs to cut the emotional strings. It is a struggle to let your mind take over your heart, but when emotions get tricky and start to steer your life, and you might end up dealing with bigger emotionally motivated problems, it's best to let your mind decide. But, when a decision is made without a heart, how can you be affirmed that it's the best? You won't know if it's right or wrong if it won't make you happy or regret, and you'll end up running in circles, always confronted by the same problem because a decision made without a heart is not a decision at all, it is a pitfall of the stoics.

Fix me.

It us my closet shouting at me, trying to catch my fleeting attention. I've written that down in my mental list of things to be done. I've been eager to do that, but the tediousness of that work seems to put off my interest. Maybe when there's nothing left for me to do, or maybe when it's the only thing left to do, I'd start to fold those dumped clothes in it and fix it.

My mom starts to blurt non-sensical, blight hurtful words again. This early, 8:46 am, that's the sound you wake up to in this house.

Maybe it's not my closet that needs to be fixed, maybe something else requires immediate diagnosis of behavior. It could be me, it could be my mom, but definitely not my closet.

The four year journey ends seven months from now.

This is our very last recollection together as a class. For the past three years, every recollection was just treated as another break from the humdrum of school, an excuse to sleep and be dismissed early. Never was a recollection considered as something that is of great importance in the activities lined up for the whole year aside from the aforementioned reasons that make it something to look forward to. Apathy was not an issue, but the effectiveness of the activity and the presence and guidance of the facilitator contribute a lot in making this activity a fruitful and effective one to the students. Maybe we didn't offer much of our hearts and minds to it, because for us, recollection was just another recycled activity since elementary that we've all grown with.

It is different this time around. Though there wasn't an obvious trace of eagerness on our faces in the morning that day, deep inside us, we were hoping that somehow, this time it would be different, that this time it will hit us hard and affect us in a way or another, something that would culminate and aggregate all of our experiences together as a class, hoping that this will be an instrument to patch things up, and to be able to work with people that we've created distance with for three years, people whom we've not spent enough time with, people whom we've judged, and people whom we've thought we'd never get along with, maybe this time this recollection will address these things that have remained sublimed and hidden within us.

True enough, it gave us the time to be able to affirm one another with our possessed goodness and admirable qualities, it was the time to speak up about how we really feel, to express these pent up emotions that were kept and were waiting for the right time to explode, to ask for forgiveness from people we've burned bridges with, and to just reconnect with people we've lost intimate contact with while we were busy exploring our lives as individuals. It was also the time to reminisce the extreme heights and extremes lows that we've been through as a class, a time to congratulate everyone for reaching this recollection, a few steps away from the journey's end, and a time to give ourselves a tap on our shoulders for all the job well done. A class as dynamic as ours, we are like heated molecules expanding and bumping on each other as that heat ignites the fervor in our hearts to be competitive and be excellent. There was competition, a healthy one, something that motivates each and everyone to do well, a kind of competition that does not aim for a sole person's success, rather it encourages to release the innate best that each of us possesses, it is a kind of competition where your competitors would extend a hand to help you succeed, so that no one gets left behind. We are a breed of eclectic and varied individuals that meshes and blends perfectly. We do not overpower each other, we complement whatever one lacks, and we compliment things that one has achieved through hard work.

Almost four long years of journey, the very first day we stepped into the institution we were all apprehended of the uncertainty that awaited us, young, vulnerable and skeptical, we've grown to be independent workers who were unified by our differences. We were once strangers, aloof and afraid of one another, anxious and uncertain of where we were going, but as the ride began to take us to where we were heading, we became each other's companion, each other's direction, and in the journey there was One who steered the wheel, the omniscient Who knew all along where we are destined to be.

This journey that have threatened us with the baffling circumstances that fortified our trust with one another. Invaluable values and knowledge that were inculcated in our hearts and minds by the institution acted as our guides during the journey, they were the baggages that we will all carry when we reach on our destination and embark on yet another journey. We will all be treading forked paths, but one thing will hold us together, the journey that we all shared.

Boracay 2011

This post has been in the "baul" for a very long time already and it is but timely that I finally take it out from there and let it be on its rightful spot in this blog. 

Boracay is the most generic and talk-of-the-mouth summer destination not only by Filipinos but of foreigners who enjoy basking themselves in the sun, frolicking in the water, soaking their feet in the sands and be one with nature, be in connection with themselves and escape from the hustle and bustle of their metropolitan lives and get zoned out from the stress of work and responsibilities. Summer is that season of the year that serves as a good excuse to bum and get lazy and take advantage of that excuse to go a little outside of the limits and enjoy the extreme and extensive possibilities the season has to offer.

It was another of my rebellious and unwarranted trips, May 22, 2011 Nelson and I whisked ourselves to this crowded yet definitely lively place of Boracay. The white sand and cool blue waters toying in my imagination skyrocketed the anticipation of finally stepping into the island. We just couldn't wait to get there. The trip was quite long but bearably uncomfortable, the excitement just kept on growing in our hearts.

(It strikes me that while writing this post, the feelings of excitement are as high and as fresh as how it was going there. That trip must be really remarkable and unforgettable.)

What makes a trip remarkable and unforgettable?

The sceneries

Boracay has preserved its breathtaking sunsets. The only natural feature that has remained untainted and unharmed by human hands, unfortunately. It's sad that the waters are now reported to be very unsanitary because of the mixing of toilet wastes due to improper waste management and control of waste excretions. The sands are also threatened by people who take home some for souvenirs. The virginity of the island has been destroyed and the foliage, replaced by concrete structures that masks the careless lifestyle of the inhabitants. Nevertheless, though in its thriving survival, Boracay still offers its majestic sceneries that breathes life to the tired and perished souls of the travelers.

The blue and white "paraws" bends well with the skies and waters.

I caught this sight of a couple taking a picture by the majestic sunset.
It could be their first honeymoon, or maybe second, or third, who knows.

Skim boarders lined the shores late in the afternoon, exhibiting their skills,
but this chick really awed me. 

The serene and less crowded side of the island.

A wedding about to take place by the beach. I've always dreamed of one.

The Activities and Adventures


Boredom is never a word in this island with the many activities that are available to tourists, from island hopping, helmet diving, snorkeling, parasailing, banana boat ride, fly fish, wall climbing, to shopping and partying, the island never runs out. All you have to have is enough money to be able to try all these, and as for me, well I tried to enjoy myself with the free and affordable ones to extend the life of my money during my stay. Maybe when I come back next time, I'd be able to try everything until I turn my intestines inside out.

World class fire dancers igniting the night and keeping the audience on fire. 

Of course, the endless swimming.

Been dying to do wall climbing as inspired by my cousin Dan.

See how happy I am to make it to the bottom alive?

Those beautifully made sand sculptures are done by these kids. Talent and creativity. :)
So next time you see one, don't be a scrooge, give a little extra. 

And for a change, I paid them and I carved their names on the sand instead.

The Accommodation


If there is one word that will best describe us during our stay, it would be lucky. We were lucky to be accommodated by my mom's friend in this classy and expensive hotel, that I swear I would not be able to afford. The place had a minimalist and modern take on its facade, and the neutral colors made it so cozy and homy, plus the people there were very friendly, nice and accommodating, giving service with a smile. Their staff and crew were very warm and I commend them for doing their jobs with enthusiasm.

The inviting beds of our room at Astoria Boracay.

I want my house to look as simple and as sleek as this.

Spent mos of the afternoons here, lazing around if not walking.

The Food

A trip wouldn't be complete with an empty stomach, and to be able to store energy for the activities that awaits every journey, one has to stock on food to keep going, and what better thing to do during a trip is to scour for places that serve good food, for a very cheap price, and of course to treat yourself with yourself a happy food or pick-me-upper food after a looong day. Though I still wish to eat at those expensive restaurants, here were some of the places I settled for while on a budget. 

CREPES! Need I say more? 

Who's hungry now?

Pancake House's menu list made me feel like a giddy kid again.

I forgot the name of this place with a very interesting wall. :)

This is a hidden place that has the best lechon kawali. 

Happy food. :))

More happy food.

My every Bora trip staple food, Isaw. :))

The People


In every trip, there will always be people you come across and get engaged with, whether in a small conversation during a ride, a friendly staff, a funny waiter, a kind vendor that lets you haggle to the extreme, or that annoyingly charming kid you won't be able to resist, or that stranger who smiles at you, accompanies you for a walk and will be your friend forever, or maybe you'll bump into a famous artist, who knows who you meet? and of course that one person who tolerates your craziness and shares with you every laughter of the trip, walks with you until you tire your feet and takes snaps of you while you enjoy every single moment.

The unprecedented moments that you share with these people make a lot of difference in your trip. These people are the ones you will forever have a memory with, though you may not know their name nor hear anything about them in the future, one thing's for sure, they made your trip memorable.

PBA players and their coach. Geez... I forgot their names.

Whitney. :)

Our hands wrinkled after soaking in the pool. 

Gian, one of the young sand artists.

Sheryl.

Reggie, me, Nelson, Sheryl, Mike.

This douche made my Bora 2011. 

This could pass for a sumer fling. lol

And that goodbye...

And of course... Thank you to my twin, Nelson for making this trip unforgettable. This surely goes down the books.

Forgive my vanity, but I want to post some of my snaps during the trip.

Long gown ang ganap.

Mabenta ang hang loose.

Next year, it'll be another adventure.