a movie review? or is it just me?

it's really difficult for me to write a title for what i write. it's a tedious process of thinking that washes away my train of thoughts, so i'd rather start with what i want to talk about. :)

i just can't believe i am gonna write about another movie i've watched. i've read it somewhere, that the number of movies that a person has watched equates to the level of social life a person has, which when translated into and equation, it would be: more movies = less social life. maybe, this could be possibly true, but, i don't want to talk about my very low social life. i'd like to talk about the happiness and lessons i learn from the movies i watch. i'm gonna be blogging like a love sick puppy again, talking about looove. :) so bear with me. 

i know that i am already late and beyond deadline, but tonight is my first time to watch "Hitch" which showed five years ago, starring one of my favorite actors Will Smith. the movie is just really cunning and very witty, and not to mention, it has a great sense of humor and not the sleazy type of humor. why am i writing about this? it's because i... yeah, you knew it, I CAN RELATE. okay, i am not a cynic, i am admit that i am the most hopeless romantic person not in the entire universe but as far as i see myself compared to the people i know. let's cut the chase and get to the point. we all are scared to really FALL IN LOVE. 

it is everyone's concern to guard their fragile hearts. we've seen how complex it is to keep a relationship, and what more to start one. it all begins with all of those "firsts", then take it from there, your love story unfolds. BUT, the most difficult part is, to actually begin with that "first" step. it sure is easy to imagine walking up to the person you like and say, "hey! i like you", but when it's right there in your face, and the bait is dangled right infront of your eyes, your knees start to wobble and your picture perfect imagination shatters into pieces. IT IS HARD! so, we'd rather settle to look at the person we could possibly have a future with from afar, and watch him or her wasting her time with someone else who could've been you instead. seeking advices helps, even though that would sound a bit desperate, but as how it goes, "desperate times, need desperate measures". we all needed that one precious opportunity to take that shot, but at times, we just get sacred, we fear rejection or maybe we are not too confident enough. but, "there is no principle" on how to snatch that person of your dreams. we think that maybe those advices we hear, or tips we read would work, but the truth is, it is us who actually do the actual job. sure we did take heed of those advices, but it would still be up to us on how to carry out a spontaneous development. it's funny that we sometimes believe that those advices or tips helped get hooked up, but it's only a starting point, an acceleration, the rest of the ride, we are in control. if we try to get perfection, we lose ourselves, but if we try to simply try, we still get a hold of who we are, and in keeping our personalities intact, we get more comfortable with the person, and that our "little" imperfections are the things that spice up everything. those quirks or eccentricities that we have actually make us more attractive and real. just keep yourself together. :)

give your guards a day off. it's good to keep yourself guarded with all defenses up, but sometimes, we have to go out of that wall that keeps us from feeling what we want. from what we see, from what we hear, we have all the cynical reasons not to fall in love, cause in that way, things will be much easier. we are scared to admit how we feel when we've found the right person for us. scared because we might get rejected or maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe we made the wrong assumptions. so many thoughts, that make us fear, but if we don't admit it now, then when? when that person has slipped away? fall. fall freely as long as you know why you're falling so that when you reach the ground, you actually knew and felt what it was like, cause it's better that way than hitting the ground not knowing at all. 

what would be better than this for a first date? isn't it extreme and wet? :)

so are you gonna spend the rest of your life being miserable? it is really miserable to think that being miserable will make you happy. so, go and get "hitched". <----did i say it right? i made that one up. :))

an attempt in photography

we had photography class during my second year. that course sparked and enlivened the photographer in each of us in class, and so was i. i had that enthusiasm in me to take pictures, to appreciate details and to preserve moments. to capture things that captivated my eyes. the artistic soul was wide awake within. so, like everyone else, i did an attempt in taking pictures. i felt like i was a "pro". hahaha. so here are my "feeling-pro" photographs. :)

my very own interpretation of "still life" :)

some portrait photos. thanks to my friends who helped me in this "mapangahas" slash "daring" shoot and for going out from their safe zones and forgetting their being "maria clara's" for one time.

all these of these photos were taken using my very humble yet efficient Sony D77 point and shoot camera, which needs an early retirement and is screaming for a real dslr replacement. :) 

photographed by: Nadine H. <---- ayeee... i hope i can see this in published photos in the future 

personal disclosure

i've always imagined myself to be someone else. to be like someone i admire, i look up to, but i've never imagined myself as who i really am. it's difficult for me, it's hazy and i'm scared. i'm scared to see myself as who i really am because i might not like the person i will see. i've never been confident in the things that i do. my actions may often give people the notion that i always know what i'm doing, but the truth is, i've never been so sure of myself. everything i do rely on the people's approval. my decisions are always in complacency to what people expect of me. i've never decided on something that is for my own satisfaction, everything should be in accordance to what they want of me. i don't want to be a rebel, i just want to be myself. to be who i really am. to accept what i can and can't do, who i am and i am not. 

i want to see myself from another's perspective. i want to know whether everything i hear is true. i have a tendency to easily believe a person, to hold on to what they say to me, to trust them easily, but i also have the tendency to be skeptical of what people tell or show me. i always have the apprehension that the things people do or say to me have underlying motives. i am prejudiced when people are treating me nicely. i usually misconstrue people's actions, always jumping into conclusions always giving meaning to everything. i always get into trouble for that. 

this is not the way i want to spend the rest of my years. there are so many things to appreciate in life, but my unassisted perspective towards people, towards life has adulterated the way i should deal with and see things. i'm afraid to wholly open up myself, because i am scared of what they might think of me. i may put on a bold face, strong from the outside, but within i am undermined by my insecurities. i've always wanted somebody to love me and appreciate me, to recognize me as for who i am. i know it's self-seeking but other people's approval always matter to me. a lot of things and ideas are contradicting and i am caught in between what i want to be and what other people want me to be. i don't know which to pursue. i don't even know if i could strike a balance between the two. all i want is to cut the strings that hold me back. to be able to do what i want and what i know best fits me.

i am nineteen, and as i look back i can see how things have changed, and how chaotic my life has been. i have taken dark paths along the way but i'm glad i did some mistakes, because from those i've learned and from those experiences i can tell myself that i'm not going back. it's senseless to be envious, but to desire for something that you don't have isn't so bad after all. it's what keeps you driven and motivated to push yourself harder. being not so sure of yourself reminds you that you aren't perfect, that you have flaws and that you are human, and those things would keep your feet on the ground. when you haven't found yourself yet, it means that you still need to do more explorations in life, and that there many things left undiscovered, and that you have not yet fully grown into who you are supposed to be, with all potentials realized, that who you are right now is temporary, that you have a chance to improve yourself and to realize your full potential cause this isn't the end of the road yet. you have to look for yourself. you have to find out who you really are. i have to know who i really am and what i want to do with my life. 

people inspire me. merely observing them allows me to see life itself. life is unfair that is for sure, but it is not a reason for us to complain and not to be happy. i've seen people who aren't so blessed financially but are happily living their lives, and those who are enjoying things that money can buy aren't completely happy at all. how to measure life's worth is relative. others have realized their life's purpose in ways different from that of others. but what would matter most in the end is when you can tell yourself that you had a happy life and that you don't have any regrets. it may be hard to find what will give us that true happiness, but i'm sure it's just around the corner. it's there, we only have to find it. we look for it through hard work so that when we finally find it, we can say that everything was worth it. we have to be able to tell ourselves that in everything we did, the outcome is worth it. it must be. because when things aren't valuable at all, all efforts will be wasted. if the end isn't as great as we expect it to be, don't feel downhearted, try to look back again, because maybe along the way something great happened, but we didn't notice it because our minds and hearts are directed only toward the end. we often miss out on things because we forget to pay attention to details, to the little things that happen to us, because our thoughts are often overwhelmed by the greatness of what we desire. 

life begins in every second. every second is a chance to make a difference in our lives. :)

-nadine

My Fifty First Dates

Out of randomness, I checked on what movies do I have since I couldn't sleep yet. I bought some pirated DVD's (sssshhhh... it's a little crime everybody is guilty of) before and was disappointed 'cause some of them don't work at all including 50 First Dates. I've never seen the film in it's entirety before, but as much as I've seen, it was a really good movie, that if one is a sucker for romantic-comedies. Unfortunately, this movie is my kind of movie. :) I gathered the DVD's of my interest from the living room and brought it to my room. I was planning to play Serendipity but, as I was browsing I glanced upon 50 First Dates which didn't play the last time I checked. Since I'm using a different player, I tried if it the player would read it this time... Voila! Lucky enough, it did! So obviously I watched the movie.

I didn't expect that it would affect me that much. Dang! This hopeless-romantic-syndrome on me attacked once again. I started crying at the first fifteen minutes of the movie. hahaha. That was really weird, cause the movie that made me cry so much was A Walk to Remember and it had to get to that part wherein Jamie was bullied for wearing the same sweater over and over again, which was maybe 30 minutes of the movie. Okay, so I was crying nonstop while I was watching 50 First Dates, even at the parts where it is very unnecessary to cry. The movie has a lot of funny parts, and for those parts, I laughed while crying. Now, call me insane. I swear, I'm not gonna watch a romantic film with somebody. It would be totally embarrassing since I have the bizarre-est reaction. However, I am entitled to actually defend myself and explain why I had that queer reaction. I was trying to put myself into the situation and imagine myself as Lucy. She was so special and the kind of love that Henry gave her was very unconventional and selfless. It is rare to meet someone like Henry, and maybe that's also the reason why I am not in a relationship yet, it's because I want someone to be like the ones I see in the movies which is pretty much ridiculous and immature of me to ask. I know, the characters are ideal and nonexistent, they are fictional and are only projections of the author's idealisms. The characters are figments of imagination that don't exist in real life, and if by chance they do, they are very rare. But it's not so bad to ask for someone who if could not be exactly the same as the ones in the movie then maybe just  a fraction of the traits that Henry Roth has. But of course, not the perverted trait of his. :)

The whole point of the movie is not to make people look for someone like Henry, nor to be a victim of a car accident to find that kind of love. It's not. The movie is about how love should be. It should be unconditional. It should not ask for anything in return to compensate the things that one has given. It should always be a challenge. To keep a love alive, one should never get tired of creating new ways and inventing different strategies to keep things fresh and exciting. It never gets tired. True love never gets tired, it never dies down, it doesn't easily loses its spark. Love is always looking forward to another day, a new adventure and the readiness to embark on that journey every single day, without complaining. Henry wakes up every morning to see Lucy, even if he knows that each morning is going through the whole "introduction" part. Love is persistence. When a person loves truly, he doesn't give up that easily. No amount of circumstances will stop him from showing how he truly feels until it could be felt by the one whom he desires. Like Henry, knowing that everyday will put him through hell, and that everyday is a risk he has to take to make Lucy remember him, with big chances of getting his ass whacked and his face smacked, still it didn't impede him from loving her. Love is accepting. Henry accepted the fact that Lucy will never remember him every morning she wakes up and that for the rest of his life, he will be stuck in that routine. Yet, it didn't matter to him. What mattered to him the most is that, he gets to wake up every single day with Lucy beside him.

Wouldn't it be nice if this really exists? Then we can prove that love really is magical.

I know I sound mushy again. Well I am mushy and I am sloppy. I will never get tired of watching this kind of movies. It makes my heart swell in happiness and in kilig-ness. I will watch it again and make sure that nobody sees me so I could cry my heart out. Yerp! :)

p.s. wouldn't it be sweet when every kiss is your first kiss? 'cause Nothing beats the first kiss. *wink*

L' Fisher Chalet Lobby Drama (Major, Major Fail)

I will always be that girl who believes that the sloppy and mawkish love stories that we read on fairytales will happen to me. Those that inspite all of the circumstances, that Romeo, that prince charming will arrive and we will live happily ever. 

I always hold on to that sentiment, maybe that's why I always end up making a fool out of myself and doing imbecilic things that make me look desperate. I know that prince charming will be the one riding that white horse, conquering all the odds just to get to his princess in distress, but sometimes, no, all the time I am the one doing prince charming's part, just to make both ends meet. Pretty pathetic right? Well I never learned my lesson that's why I always make the wrong choices of people to like or people I think I can actually have a future with. Instead of prince charming, I get a frog. 

Tonight was another major fail. This guy I knew, guess where... on the internet told me that he is in Bacolod right now, checked in one of the hotels. Well, upon knowing that I was very eager and excited to see him? Who wouldn't be? I was about to see that person who I kept on wondering about if he's real or just another prank I get all the time. So I tried to call him, I also texted him if he could just say hi. I was only asking for a single "hi" and I'd be more than relieved and satisfied. A SIMPLE HI! That's it. But this "prick" was so chickened out to do that. I don't know for what reason why he wouldn't do a simple request. I was thinking that he was either a liar that he's afraid that he'd get busted if he did what I asked of him or he was just an "introvert" and really shy to see someone who isn't so special and intimidating like me. I am just an ordinary girl, curious to see who he was. But I failed in making him do it. There was just nothing that I can do to convince him. I bet on the first reason why he doesn't have the guts to do it. I did all the desperate measures. For what? Just to see a stranger. The main reason why I really wanted to see him was to satisfy my curiosity and see for myself that he really is real and that his identity is legit. That's all. Say hi, and I'm all good. Then he can leave. But everything was to no avail. I asked the front desk lady for five times, begging her to give me the room number. I wasn't gonna bust into his room and rape him. Just to say hi, that's it. And I'd keep on repeating my intention, just to say HI.

My mission was a major flop. I actually didn't get to see him. Not even a shadow of him. Again, I was really gullible to actually try believing that he's real. One thing I've learned, never trust a guy a 100%, which in my case was a stranger to make it worse. I know, I know, I am a pathetic hopeless romantic, hoping that my love story would be as colorful as that of a fairy tale. Who doesn't? But I guess, I always try so hard that I trifle with the natural occurrence of things that are supposed to happen. Too much of me trying to be in control of everything. I am starting to feel that I am a control freak, obsessed with trying to make things to go my way. 

Life is our own story book and we make the story, and direct how things should happen, but I realized that we are just co writers and assistant directors of this story. Someone knows better than we do, and something called fate makes things more interesting and exciting. If we always preempt things and apprehend about the future, then we lose the essence of life's surprises. If things will always go our way, then it will be very banal and predictable. There will be no highlights, no climaxes. Though everything will run smoothly and accordingly to how you want it, it will lack the thrill and the million emotions we will feel along the course. It will be boring and it won't be worth remembering. 

I may have done stupid things, pathetic things and things that when I look back on someday would make me dread the kind of person I was, but I know that in the end, I did what I wanted and risked for what I thought was worth it that time. I can always laugh about it, and I will be glad to share it with my grandchildren someday when they ask about how their lola was as a reckless teenager, impulsive and very crazy. 

I admit that I felt so sorry and embarrassed for myself, to actually look for someone who may be nonexistent, but if I only focus on the downsides of it, I will be in remorse. But while I spent my time waiting for that "prick", I actually enjoyed the company of a friend who willingly waited with me and cheered me up while I was feeling downhearted during the wait. That part alone was worth it. It actually opened up the door for her to disclose herself, and for me to get to know her better. That time affirmed the kind of friendship we had and we discovered that we actually trusted each other. Thanks to that "prick".

Always look on the bright side of things, yes, its is really mushy and corny, but it's true. There will always be shadows, but why would you focus on that monochromatic dark side of life when you can actually bask in the colors of life. :) 

p.s. there might be grammatical and typographical error in this post, but try to disregard it, focus on the thought people and I am really sleepy. :))

I should've done and written this before. Way, way before when everything was still okay and while you were still interested in me. Maybe, interested is not the perfect word, but let's just say you were. I know it's a stupid assumption.

This is actually hard to do, because every time I strike the keys on the keyboard, a lot of things start to rush in my thoughts, because I have so many things to say, so many that I could not sift through which would matter, which would weigh, and which would you want to know. So I mustered myself and try to put into words the things I've been dying to tell you, things that should have been clarified and stated well, but was defeated by my emotional onslaught. Things I should've pondered upon before saying. But I wasn't prudent enough, rather impulsive and blunt. 

If you only knew that I was really happy to know that you actually allotted time to research about me, to track on me through the web, granting that you are techy and savvy, it was easy for you. I know it was just for your fun and curiosity. But, for me I think it was rather special. Sorry for even thinking about it. It was awkward to actually talk to you at first, and I admit I was really a bore. I thought that first conversation would also be the last. I knew it was, but I was glad that there was a second one and more came after that. It was true when you were the first thing I see in the morning and the last before I sleep. I liked it. And I wished that would always happen. It was funny when you would even risk talking with me while you were at work. Half of my mind told me that it was just for you to pass time. But still, the other half thought it was something else. The ambiguity of your intention kept me intrigued and all the time happy. I would always hurry home to see you and talk to you. I was even pissed when we had to go home late because my mom did some grocery and my brother asked me to do some errands. I was excited every time. Every time I see you online, every time the icon hops and signals a new message from you. Everything was going good. Until I ruined it.

I was so engrossed and overwhelmed by how things turned out. It has became a part of my routine to see you. A routine I will never get tired of doing. Sorry if I asked too much of your time. You had a life of your own, and I had mine. I forgot about that. Sorry if I think that I was special. I know it's stupid and it's absurd to even expect something more from what was there. But still hoped that something would actually happen along the way. I shouldn't have. 

Every time I talk to strangers, I was hoping and wishing I was talking with you. I always wonder what we will be talking about if it was you. I don't care if we don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't care even if you just keep quiet on the other side, if you choose not to talk at all. I don't care. Seeing you was more than enough. 

You told me I have existed for nineteen years without you. I know. But the truth is...

Chances

Not everybody gets another chance. I'm grateful I got another one.

My previous term was completely and totally messed up. Everything I worked hard for during the prelims, were sabotaged by my performance during midterms. The goals I set for myself were all within my reach, but they all drifted away after my irresponsibility ate away all of the drive I had boosted up for the whole semester. I was distracted away from my goal, so many things came about, so many responsibilities, and all needed so much attention and so much time that I didn't know which to prioritize and which to focus on until I came to the point of feeling so sick and tired of everything that I just blew it all off away. I was aware of what I was doing, yet I just watched them slip away. My devastation turned into something I could just bear, and in the process of bearing and enduring everything I forgot how it ruined everything was until I saw the aftermath. My grades mirrored how delinquent I was and I could not do anything about it anymore. I was losing hope and all I am needing is another chance to pick myself up from my failures.

I thought it was all too late. I knew that I will never get what I was needing, but to my surprise, it's all in front of me now and what I only need to do is make the best out of it. This is my chance to not screw it all up again, to detangle the mess I have made.

I couldn't be anything but grateful to my teachers. For my Human Behavior in an Organization (HBO) class, I missed the first assignment for the end term for being lazy and for missing class. Glad I was when  our professor told me that I could still submit by tomorrow. (So I will be doing it after this post) My professor in Statistics, whom I thought to be so lousy and insensitive called my attention this afternoon and made me take the quiz I missed the week before exams because I was absent, again. Acknowledging my Mathematical and logical limitations, I only answered the easy parts which didn't require any solving and passed my paper. To her surprise, she asked me why I was so fast, so I told her about my reason which is really true, so she gave me the equations and told me to try answering the problems, which I did, hoping it could pull my score higher. I also missed my Finance exam due to conflict in schedule, so I went up to my teacher, who is known for being so stingy in giving high grades and so stern that no excuse can be deemed acceptable for him unless it's a matter of life and death, and asked him if I can have special exams. It was difficult to explain to him since every word that I said was a motive of doubt and he thought I was just trying to talk him through it with my excuses. Luckily, he gave me a deal. I would need to find this certain Jev Pioquinto, whom he said gave the same excuse as mine but in a different version. If I find this Jev, then can only Sir Sedonio give me the special exam. This means, that Jev, whoever and where ever the hell he is, is the only key to my problems, so Jev, here I am looking for you. :)

So that's all for all the precious chance that I have now, it's either I make it or break it again this time. :)