Dear Self,

-Try to find time to make your own banner for your blog.
-Be sure to dedicate some of your time writing on your blog.
-Cut your facebook hours.
-Bring your camera often and take pictures for your blog.
-Inspire and stop whining on your posts. :))

Define M-E

The most difficult question I have ever encountered would be, "How would you describe yourself?"

Babbling superfluous adjectives must be easy, but it is hard to define these words with who you really are, how you act, how you think. These words should be in parallel with who you really are, so you must be careful with your choice of words. Neither exaggerated nor understated, it should be just right.
Then the quest for the words, not perfect but appropriate, begins. Then my mind goes blank. I just can't define myself, nor perfectly paint a picture of who i am with words. words don't define a person, they just tell about them, actions may picture lifestyle but not the person within. Opinions are biased projections of what one is from another's point of view. When people tell things about me, nice and bad, I may acknowledge but I don't believe. I'm not cynical, just grounded. So how do I tell something about myself? I tell stories, I share experiences. These are facts, not opinions, these happened and not just foreseen. These things have defined me, these things shaped me. So I tell you stories, simple stories.

Falling Into the Cracks Again

It was a sacrifice. It needed much self-control. It required restraint, unflagging restraint. Then I blew it. Just like that. That fast, that easy. What I built for months crashed in just a few minutes of conversation, I gave in. Give whatever you have received. One gives you trust, trust is asked from you. I did what was done for me. I gave what was asked then slept through the night with regrets. I only have myself to blame. I agreed and consented myself into it, blindly. I hold myself responsible for what happened and realized how thoughtless my action was. What's done is done. There's no such thing as rewind nor erase in life, but I have another chance to forget about it and start anew.

How many chances do I deserve? Maybe what's left isn't enough.

You Can Stay Under OUR Umbrella

Third year in college and it seems like yesterday when we had our first-day-in-college jitters and anxieties. First year in college is the most dreadful yet promising year one student can have, and so do we. It was like a de ja vu in high school, students, lost, wandering, awkward, shy, making the first best impression, seeing familiar faces, Hi's and hello's here and there, tons of hugging, screaming, giggles, spotting on probable crushes, so many more things I could add to and the list could go on and on and on. Friends are the major life savers during this time. You're lucky when you find someone you know, then you would feel you're not alone in this new world, another jungle of feisty new blood. It's a great comfort having friends around during the first day.

We were all new to the college thing, and all we had was a mustard seed of courage and each other. We felt like we were lost in the dark, groping around, and relieved to have a hand to hold as we take tiny, careful, calculated steps in the dark.

In between breaks are the most precious part we looked forward to each day so we could see each other, wait for our classes and feel a part of something, a belongingness. It felt like when we were together, we are home, secured. The umbrella was our home. It was where we spent most times together, watching our new found crushes pass by, admiring pretty faces that grace our school, checking on who's hot and who's not. The high school habit that is just so hard to get rid of. We shared those times together. Not only good times, but tough ones as well. Failures, terror teachers, classmates hard to get along with, unavoidable classroom tensions, heart breaks, the umbrella was witness to those things. It was a spot where we gather together. It was like a routine to be there when you're free, cause it's sure that someone's waiting for you there and you'll never be alone. We saw to it.

Second year came and everyone started to adjust with everything in school. We were no longer the neophytes, somehow we knew our way around. We somehow found the spark in the dark. We made new friends, formulated special techniques on how to cope with school pressure, learned how to face things alone or with a little help. Our lives became busy, we got consumed by school responsibilities and the regular meeting under the umbrella has taken aback. The frequency slowly died down. From sometimes, to never at all. We had a hard time catching up with each other. It has started to be difficult to get a hold of someone. From long hours of talking to chats, from pausing and sitting for a while to a split-second hi's and hello's. Everything that we did together died a natural death. Different people came to the umbrella for shelter and they also left.

July 13. I had time to spare, to review my notes for a quiz but I found no place to stay for a while. I passed by the umbrella, someone was there, she's doesn't look familiar, another student, another stranger. She was alone. I took a seat. Good memories came back. I saw them again, we were there again, doing things we used to do. Laughing, combing each other's hair, applying nail polish, reviewing lessons, talking...then someone borrowed my pen. Those memories drifted away. I miss them. I really do.

My Childhood Summer: The Rewind

I've been in a hiatus from all things techie and social lately. I took my summer classes of the subjects that are prerequisite for my other course since I'm a double "courser". I'm taking Communication which I think I've mentioned previously in one of my posts I can't remember which one, and the other is Marketing to compliment the aforementioned. Accounting and Business Management subjects interfered with my supposed-to-be summer escapades. Since I've decided to finally straighten up myself and "focus" on my academics after my not-so-to-be-proud-of sophomore year, I gave up my summer intentions. It wasn't really bad after all, since my last year summer was mostly spent at home investing on weight gain and perfecting the art of how to be a total bum, summer class gave me an excuse to be out everyday with the convenience of not to beg for money which is usually deprived from those who don't have classes. The inconvenient parts in having summer classes are just the quizzes, quizzes and the sleep deprivation. I'm more than glad it finally ended. :))


Moving forward with enthusiasm is the next big thing for me that happened: vacation. I had an unusual vacation this time, instead of going to Boracay or other generic summer spots which mooost people are doing and which makes me green with envious, I went back to where I spent most of my childhood years, my Sagay. It's where my father's family lives and where me and my cousins spent our young years together in sweat, bruises, cuts and burnt skin. Sadly most of them migrated to the San Francisco and only two were left but this year, my other cousin, Ark went home to surprise his girlfriend on her graduation day. Awwwwe. With my summer class getting in the way for a longer stay there before Ark leaves, I only had three days to spend there. Going there itself alone gave my stomach butterflies. I am very, very, very excited to see my cousins after long years of being separated. We've really grown and things have changed between us, it's not like we were kids anymore, and our parents are not around anymore to keep watching over us, and now we are all to ourselves to be responsible and act maturely. Oh well, it doesn't always have to go that way, we;re still kids at heart and did things that we used to do when we were kids like snuggle beside each other, well not in a snuggly way but we actually were squeezing each other making us fit in a single bed. Just like the old times. Watching horror flicks, Jeepers Creepers that is. Classic. Eating midnight snacks and talking till we all drool to sleep. I feel like a kid again every time I sleep in between them, I just feel safe and comfortable no matter how little the space there is. I just love my cousins.


Things have actually changed. A lot. We used to run in the plaza every afternoon playing Power Rangers and other odd games we could think of, mostly running and running. Now, I can see kids of the new batch playing, instead of just running around and chasing each other, now they have their own gadgets, bicycles and other sort of rides. It's no longer like what it was before. And my playmates, I was shocked to see them with their own babies already. and those I had a crush on have very unattractive beer bellies already. hahaha! I can still remember vividly the afternoons we would play really hard 'til we get all stinky and wet and dirty. I miss childhood. :(


The absence of my mom made me do things which I won't be allowed to do if I were with her so I took my rare opportunity to make the most out of it. Well for the first time, I bathed in a river (suba) and did my first ever cliff jumping. woooooooo! It really scared the beejezus out of me but after taking the jump it gave me all the adrenaline rush that was built up inside. And we also watched our driver's "Macho-Gay Contest" and danced the night away in a typical rural "bayle", one other thing I missed about my childhood days when my father would bring me along with him in "puroks" where there were "fiestas". And i was very overwhelmed by how they all received my presence. I actually had fans there. hahaha! It was really weird yet very flattering, I never knew my charms would work even at the mountains. hahaha! Joke.

Being somewhere away from the city made me appreciate simple things and reminiscing will always make your heart cry. :(( I'm really gonna miss my cousins. Maybe the next time Ark visits here, he'll be getting married already. haha!

This is what you've made of me

I often want to laugh at myself when I act unusually than how I normally am. Just like now. I've been dragging myself into things that beat my sanity. It was never the same again since that time happened, things have been different since then, the way I see things, the way things exist, the way I do things, and the way I've been treating myself. Everyday was a habitual torment, that after some time I have learned to ingest in my system. My breaths are heavier now, and sometimes I can feel the lag in between, which I'm not bothered about. That airless spur of time, that skip of a beat, I can feel my heart sinking, I could choke with it. My constricted breathing reminds me of the pain. And it's constant. It's heightened when I remember him. My thoughts, they're invaded by him. It's ironic. I have made a deal with myself not to think of him, but the effort was always futile for my unconsciousness defies my willingness to do so. The more I tell myself to, the more it contradicts. How could I even succeed with that when all the things that surround me are contaminated by his presence. They're ubiquitous. Lingering. The streets where I walk every single day, reminds me of him. At night, I could see silhouettes of us the night I beat him with my slippers when he showed up without my solicitation. Even in my home, the sofa where he sat comfortably without any hint of fear of my mother's presence. When these things defeat my purpose, I feel so beaten up, helpless and vulnerable. I forced myself to be strong, but my tears would always give away my weakness.

His indifference annoys me, yet it makes me want to be there more for him. The more he tries to shut me out of his life, the more I push myself into it. For how long will this last? For how long could I hold this all up? How far will my strength take me? I don't even know if this is what he really wants. I actually know, and this isn't it. But I feel that this is what I should do. Punish myself as he punishes his. This is mad, then mad let this be. Two weeks of madness and now this isn't new anymore. This is how I've become, so mad, so desperate.

I laugh at myself in pity.