Another Word Vomit

The planetary energy might find you responding to a sudden sense of inspiration that arouses your creativity. You may feel an unexpected urge to write, paint, draw, or compose some music. You may want to sequester yourself, which could cause some problems with friends and family members who want to be with you. Don't ignore this impetus, Pisces. As you know, inspiration can vanish as quickly as it comes.-Daily horoscope for Pisces


I know this is a sacrilege to my religion, a concrete sign of how unfaithful I am to my religion. Others may refer to it as blasphemous to believe in something else like sorcery, magic, witchcraft and horoscope aside from God. I don't want to talk about faith, religion, or any other religious denominations. The point here is, this horoscope actually verbalized how I'm feeling right now, right on the dot, bulls eye! I've been having this urge to write lately, but I just can't find time to sit and let my thoughts flow incessantly. My thoughts have been scattered everywhere like an egg thrown and splattered all over. The thought that this semester's over in a matter of week and my precarious academic performance gives me this ambiguity. I'm excited but I'm jaded. I've been guilty of being substandard in the execution of my role as a student. I can't help but compare myself to how I was and how I am now and see that there's this vast contrast. This is just one of the thousand things that cloud my thoughts.


I am detached. I have lost touch with my emotions. I react because it feels obligatory, not because it's spontaneous. Every move is gauged. I lack the capacity to actually feel right now. The strongest emotions I have recently felt were brought about by some movies I've watched and recounting certain events in the past involving my grandmother who passed away 3 years ago. Those things do not involve events that are happening in real time. Those emotions were metaphysically evoked. Being impassive could be a good and bad thing. I have learned to hold my emotions back, stopped myself from breaking down after our paper work was rejected by our professor. It haunted me for nights, it was trying to gnaw on my feelings, trying to creep its way into my guts and eat out the little strength I'm holding on to before I let all hell break loose. But I was able to hold it up. Instead of cringing in one corner and sulk into tears, I chose to square my shoulders and face the consequence of another case of my irresponsibility. I choose not to talk about it and stress the whole thing, cause the damage has been done and it's irrevocable. It's pointless to fight for something that begins with a losing end. When tough times like this happen, you always have a choice. Be a sissy or face life hard-core.


I am fully aware that this semester will haunt me. I've lived a haunted life. I battled some, others just got tired of running after me and died their natural death. If you allow yourself to be consumed with all the crap that life's gonna throw on you, well be prepared to find yourself down in the dumps. Life gives a lot of shit. Take all that you can take, then dust yourself off. After everything, it's still you. You know that you can come out of it, polished and brand new. That's the beauty of it. You take on all the dirt and see yourself in the most horrid way, decide to clean yourself up, and find yourself good as new or even better. It's how you look at life and react to it. You're not the only one feeling cursed, but you can be the only one who will feel blessed enough if you know what to make out of everything, both out of the good and out of the bad.


I told you there's no coherence in my thoughts right now. hahaha! :))

We BELIEVE

This is the highlight of our semester.

Who would have thought that our batch who was tagged to be the "Batch of Form but No Content" would be able to put up a huge production like this in a matter of four weeks? As we stage the whole play and see the entertained audience and applauded acts, all the sleepless nights are paid off. It has been weeks of sacrificing sleep and time to sew this together. It was ambitious for our class to put up a musical play with very little time, but as what we will always be, risk takers, we took on the challenge and pushed ourselves harder.

It is because of this play that we were able to see through each other beyond what we've seen in the past years that we've been together. We are all crammers and procrastinators, but in this, we have matured and developed into individuals who can be relied on to, and that transformation happened in the shortest time. This is something we are proud of. When we look back, we admit that we left traces of our procrastination and lenience amidst the pressure, but as they say it is in the hardest times when we are purged, the best things come out. That it is in pain and struggle, that it is in every wound, every trial, we are moulded into something beautiful, into a masterpiece. And we always work best under pressure. ;)

I can't simply put into words how ecstatic I am. Everything feels so surreal. To be a part of something that people will be talking about, and something people will remember is very gratifying and elating.

I am so proud of us ABCO3. I know we will be making more great shows together. :))

a movie review? or is it just me?

it's really difficult for me to write a title for what i write. it's a tedious process of thinking that washes away my train of thoughts, so i'd rather start with what i want to talk about. :)

i just can't believe i am gonna write about another movie i've watched. i've read it somewhere, that the number of movies that a person has watched equates to the level of social life a person has, which when translated into and equation, it would be: more movies = less social life. maybe, this could be possibly true, but, i don't want to talk about my very low social life. i'd like to talk about the happiness and lessons i learn from the movies i watch. i'm gonna be blogging like a love sick puppy again, talking about looove. :) so bear with me. 

i know that i am already late and beyond deadline, but tonight is my first time to watch "Hitch" which showed five years ago, starring one of my favorite actors Will Smith. the movie is just really cunning and very witty, and not to mention, it has a great sense of humor and not the sleazy type of humor. why am i writing about this? it's because i... yeah, you knew it, I CAN RELATE. okay, i am not a cynic, i am admit that i am the most hopeless romantic person not in the entire universe but as far as i see myself compared to the people i know. let's cut the chase and get to the point. we all are scared to really FALL IN LOVE. 

it is everyone's concern to guard their fragile hearts. we've seen how complex it is to keep a relationship, and what more to start one. it all begins with all of those "firsts", then take it from there, your love story unfolds. BUT, the most difficult part is, to actually begin with that "first" step. it sure is easy to imagine walking up to the person you like and say, "hey! i like you", but when it's right there in your face, and the bait is dangled right infront of your eyes, your knees start to wobble and your picture perfect imagination shatters into pieces. IT IS HARD! so, we'd rather settle to look at the person we could possibly have a future with from afar, and watch him or her wasting her time with someone else who could've been you instead. seeking advices helps, even though that would sound a bit desperate, but as how it goes, "desperate times, need desperate measures". we all needed that one precious opportunity to take that shot, but at times, we just get sacred, we fear rejection or maybe we are not too confident enough. but, "there is no principle" on how to snatch that person of your dreams. we think that maybe those advices we hear, or tips we read would work, but the truth is, it is us who actually do the actual job. sure we did take heed of those advices, but it would still be up to us on how to carry out a spontaneous development. it's funny that we sometimes believe that those advices or tips helped get hooked up, but it's only a starting point, an acceleration, the rest of the ride, we are in control. if we try to get perfection, we lose ourselves, but if we try to simply try, we still get a hold of who we are, and in keeping our personalities intact, we get more comfortable with the person, and that our "little" imperfections are the things that spice up everything. those quirks or eccentricities that we have actually make us more attractive and real. just keep yourself together. :)

give your guards a day off. it's good to keep yourself guarded with all defenses up, but sometimes, we have to go out of that wall that keeps us from feeling what we want. from what we see, from what we hear, we have all the cynical reasons not to fall in love, cause in that way, things will be much easier. we are scared to admit how we feel when we've found the right person for us. scared because we might get rejected or maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe we made the wrong assumptions. so many thoughts, that make us fear, but if we don't admit it now, then when? when that person has slipped away? fall. fall freely as long as you know why you're falling so that when you reach the ground, you actually knew and felt what it was like, cause it's better that way than hitting the ground not knowing at all. 

what would be better than this for a first date? isn't it extreme and wet? :)

so are you gonna spend the rest of your life being miserable? it is really miserable to think that being miserable will make you happy. so, go and get "hitched". <----did i say it right? i made that one up. :))

an attempt in photography

we had photography class during my second year. that course sparked and enlivened the photographer in each of us in class, and so was i. i had that enthusiasm in me to take pictures, to appreciate details and to preserve moments. to capture things that captivated my eyes. the artistic soul was wide awake within. so, like everyone else, i did an attempt in taking pictures. i felt like i was a "pro". hahaha. so here are my "feeling-pro" photographs. :)

my very own interpretation of "still life" :)

some portrait photos. thanks to my friends who helped me in this "mapangahas" slash "daring" shoot and for going out from their safe zones and forgetting their being "maria clara's" for one time.

all these of these photos were taken using my very humble yet efficient Sony D77 point and shoot camera, which needs an early retirement and is screaming for a real dslr replacement. :) 

photographed by: Nadine H. <---- ayeee... i hope i can see this in published photos in the future 

personal disclosure

i've always imagined myself to be someone else. to be like someone i admire, i look up to, but i've never imagined myself as who i really am. it's difficult for me, it's hazy and i'm scared. i'm scared to see myself as who i really am because i might not like the person i will see. i've never been confident in the things that i do. my actions may often give people the notion that i always know what i'm doing, but the truth is, i've never been so sure of myself. everything i do rely on the people's approval. my decisions are always in complacency to what people expect of me. i've never decided on something that is for my own satisfaction, everything should be in accordance to what they want of me. i don't want to be a rebel, i just want to be myself. to be who i really am. to accept what i can and can't do, who i am and i am not. 

i want to see myself from another's perspective. i want to know whether everything i hear is true. i have a tendency to easily believe a person, to hold on to what they say to me, to trust them easily, but i also have the tendency to be skeptical of what people tell or show me. i always have the apprehension that the things people do or say to me have underlying motives. i am prejudiced when people are treating me nicely. i usually misconstrue people's actions, always jumping into conclusions always giving meaning to everything. i always get into trouble for that. 

this is not the way i want to spend the rest of my years. there are so many things to appreciate in life, but my unassisted perspective towards people, towards life has adulterated the way i should deal with and see things. i'm afraid to wholly open up myself, because i am scared of what they might think of me. i may put on a bold face, strong from the outside, but within i am undermined by my insecurities. i've always wanted somebody to love me and appreciate me, to recognize me as for who i am. i know it's self-seeking but other people's approval always matter to me. a lot of things and ideas are contradicting and i am caught in between what i want to be and what other people want me to be. i don't know which to pursue. i don't even know if i could strike a balance between the two. all i want is to cut the strings that hold me back. to be able to do what i want and what i know best fits me.

i am nineteen, and as i look back i can see how things have changed, and how chaotic my life has been. i have taken dark paths along the way but i'm glad i did some mistakes, because from those i've learned and from those experiences i can tell myself that i'm not going back. it's senseless to be envious, but to desire for something that you don't have isn't so bad after all. it's what keeps you driven and motivated to push yourself harder. being not so sure of yourself reminds you that you aren't perfect, that you have flaws and that you are human, and those things would keep your feet on the ground. when you haven't found yourself yet, it means that you still need to do more explorations in life, and that there many things left undiscovered, and that you have not yet fully grown into who you are supposed to be, with all potentials realized, that who you are right now is temporary, that you have a chance to improve yourself and to realize your full potential cause this isn't the end of the road yet. you have to look for yourself. you have to find out who you really are. i have to know who i really am and what i want to do with my life. 

people inspire me. merely observing them allows me to see life itself. life is unfair that is for sure, but it is not a reason for us to complain and not to be happy. i've seen people who aren't so blessed financially but are happily living their lives, and those who are enjoying things that money can buy aren't completely happy at all. how to measure life's worth is relative. others have realized their life's purpose in ways different from that of others. but what would matter most in the end is when you can tell yourself that you had a happy life and that you don't have any regrets. it may be hard to find what will give us that true happiness, but i'm sure it's just around the corner. it's there, we only have to find it. we look for it through hard work so that when we finally find it, we can say that everything was worth it. we have to be able to tell ourselves that in everything we did, the outcome is worth it. it must be. because when things aren't valuable at all, all efforts will be wasted. if the end isn't as great as we expect it to be, don't feel downhearted, try to look back again, because maybe along the way something great happened, but we didn't notice it because our minds and hearts are directed only toward the end. we often miss out on things because we forget to pay attention to details, to the little things that happen to us, because our thoughts are often overwhelmed by the greatness of what we desire. 

life begins in every second. every second is a chance to make a difference in our lives. :)

-nadine

My Fifty First Dates

Out of randomness, I checked on what movies do I have since I couldn't sleep yet. I bought some pirated DVD's (sssshhhh... it's a little crime everybody is guilty of) before and was disappointed 'cause some of them don't work at all including 50 First Dates. I've never seen the film in it's entirety before, but as much as I've seen, it was a really good movie, that if one is a sucker for romantic-comedies. Unfortunately, this movie is my kind of movie. :) I gathered the DVD's of my interest from the living room and brought it to my room. I was planning to play Serendipity but, as I was browsing I glanced upon 50 First Dates which didn't play the last time I checked. Since I'm using a different player, I tried if it the player would read it this time... Voila! Lucky enough, it did! So obviously I watched the movie.

I didn't expect that it would affect me that much. Dang! This hopeless-romantic-syndrome on me attacked once again. I started crying at the first fifteen minutes of the movie. hahaha. That was really weird, cause the movie that made me cry so much was A Walk to Remember and it had to get to that part wherein Jamie was bullied for wearing the same sweater over and over again, which was maybe 30 minutes of the movie. Okay, so I was crying nonstop while I was watching 50 First Dates, even at the parts where it is very unnecessary to cry. The movie has a lot of funny parts, and for those parts, I laughed while crying. Now, call me insane. I swear, I'm not gonna watch a romantic film with somebody. It would be totally embarrassing since I have the bizarre-est reaction. However, I am entitled to actually defend myself and explain why I had that queer reaction. I was trying to put myself into the situation and imagine myself as Lucy. She was so special and the kind of love that Henry gave her was very unconventional and selfless. It is rare to meet someone like Henry, and maybe that's also the reason why I am not in a relationship yet, it's because I want someone to be like the ones I see in the movies which is pretty much ridiculous and immature of me to ask. I know, the characters are ideal and nonexistent, they are fictional and are only projections of the author's idealisms. The characters are figments of imagination that don't exist in real life, and if by chance they do, they are very rare. But it's not so bad to ask for someone who if could not be exactly the same as the ones in the movie then maybe just  a fraction of the traits that Henry Roth has. But of course, not the perverted trait of his. :)

The whole point of the movie is not to make people look for someone like Henry, nor to be a victim of a car accident to find that kind of love. It's not. The movie is about how love should be. It should be unconditional. It should not ask for anything in return to compensate the things that one has given. It should always be a challenge. To keep a love alive, one should never get tired of creating new ways and inventing different strategies to keep things fresh and exciting. It never gets tired. True love never gets tired, it never dies down, it doesn't easily loses its spark. Love is always looking forward to another day, a new adventure and the readiness to embark on that journey every single day, without complaining. Henry wakes up every morning to see Lucy, even if he knows that each morning is going through the whole "introduction" part. Love is persistence. When a person loves truly, he doesn't give up that easily. No amount of circumstances will stop him from showing how he truly feels until it could be felt by the one whom he desires. Like Henry, knowing that everyday will put him through hell, and that everyday is a risk he has to take to make Lucy remember him, with big chances of getting his ass whacked and his face smacked, still it didn't impede him from loving her. Love is accepting. Henry accepted the fact that Lucy will never remember him every morning she wakes up and that for the rest of his life, he will be stuck in that routine. Yet, it didn't matter to him. What mattered to him the most is that, he gets to wake up every single day with Lucy beside him.

Wouldn't it be nice if this really exists? Then we can prove that love really is magical.

I know I sound mushy again. Well I am mushy and I am sloppy. I will never get tired of watching this kind of movies. It makes my heart swell in happiness and in kilig-ness. I will watch it again and make sure that nobody sees me so I could cry my heart out. Yerp! :)

p.s. wouldn't it be sweet when every kiss is your first kiss? 'cause Nothing beats the first kiss. *wink*