You Can Stay Under OUR Umbrella

Third year in college and it seems like yesterday when we had our first-day-in-college jitters and anxieties. First year in college is the most dreadful yet promising year one student can have, and so do we. It was like a de ja vu in high school, students, lost, wandering, awkward, shy, making the first best impression, seeing familiar faces, Hi's and hello's here and there, tons of hugging, screaming, giggles, spotting on probable crushes, so many more things I could add to and the list could go on and on and on. Friends are the major life savers during this time. You're lucky when you find someone you know, then you would feel you're not alone in this new world, another jungle of feisty new blood. It's a great comfort having friends around during the first day.

We were all new to the college thing, and all we had was a mustard seed of courage and each other. We felt like we were lost in the dark, groping around, and relieved to have a hand to hold as we take tiny, careful, calculated steps in the dark.

In between breaks are the most precious part we looked forward to each day so we could see each other, wait for our classes and feel a part of something, a belongingness. It felt like when we were together, we are home, secured. The umbrella was our home. It was where we spent most times together, watching our new found crushes pass by, admiring pretty faces that grace our school, checking on who's hot and who's not. The high school habit that is just so hard to get rid of. We shared those times together. Not only good times, but tough ones as well. Failures, terror teachers, classmates hard to get along with, unavoidable classroom tensions, heart breaks, the umbrella was witness to those things. It was a spot where we gather together. It was like a routine to be there when you're free, cause it's sure that someone's waiting for you there and you'll never be alone. We saw to it.

Second year came and everyone started to adjust with everything in school. We were no longer the neophytes, somehow we knew our way around. We somehow found the spark in the dark. We made new friends, formulated special techniques on how to cope with school pressure, learned how to face things alone or with a little help. Our lives became busy, we got consumed by school responsibilities and the regular meeting under the umbrella has taken aback. The frequency slowly died down. From sometimes, to never at all. We had a hard time catching up with each other. It has started to be difficult to get a hold of someone. From long hours of talking to chats, from pausing and sitting for a while to a split-second hi's and hello's. Everything that we did together died a natural death. Different people came to the umbrella for shelter and they also left.

July 13. I had time to spare, to review my notes for a quiz but I found no place to stay for a while. I passed by the umbrella, someone was there, she's doesn't look familiar, another student, another stranger. She was alone. I took a seat. Good memories came back. I saw them again, we were there again, doing things we used to do. Laughing, combing each other's hair, applying nail polish, reviewing lessons, talking...then someone borrowed my pen. Those memories drifted away. I miss them. I really do.

My Childhood Summer: The Rewind

I've been in a hiatus from all things techie and social lately. I took my summer classes of the subjects that are prerequisite for my other course since I'm a double "courser". I'm taking Communication which I think I've mentioned previously in one of my posts I can't remember which one, and the other is Marketing to compliment the aforementioned. Accounting and Business Management subjects interfered with my supposed-to-be summer escapades. Since I've decided to finally straighten up myself and "focus" on my academics after my not-so-to-be-proud-of sophomore year, I gave up my summer intentions. It wasn't really bad after all, since my last year summer was mostly spent at home investing on weight gain and perfecting the art of how to be a total bum, summer class gave me an excuse to be out everyday with the convenience of not to beg for money which is usually deprived from those who don't have classes. The inconvenient parts in having summer classes are just the quizzes, quizzes and the sleep deprivation. I'm more than glad it finally ended. :))


Moving forward with enthusiasm is the next big thing for me that happened: vacation. I had an unusual vacation this time, instead of going to Boracay or other generic summer spots which mooost people are doing and which makes me green with envious, I went back to where I spent most of my childhood years, my Sagay. It's where my father's family lives and where me and my cousins spent our young years together in sweat, bruises, cuts and burnt skin. Sadly most of them migrated to the San Francisco and only two were left but this year, my other cousin, Ark went home to surprise his girlfriend on her graduation day. Awwwwe. With my summer class getting in the way for a longer stay there before Ark leaves, I only had three days to spend there. Going there itself alone gave my stomach butterflies. I am very, very, very excited to see my cousins after long years of being separated. We've really grown and things have changed between us, it's not like we were kids anymore, and our parents are not around anymore to keep watching over us, and now we are all to ourselves to be responsible and act maturely. Oh well, it doesn't always have to go that way, we;re still kids at heart and did things that we used to do when we were kids like snuggle beside each other, well not in a snuggly way but we actually were squeezing each other making us fit in a single bed. Just like the old times. Watching horror flicks, Jeepers Creepers that is. Classic. Eating midnight snacks and talking till we all drool to sleep. I feel like a kid again every time I sleep in between them, I just feel safe and comfortable no matter how little the space there is. I just love my cousins.


Things have actually changed. A lot. We used to run in the plaza every afternoon playing Power Rangers and other odd games we could think of, mostly running and running. Now, I can see kids of the new batch playing, instead of just running around and chasing each other, now they have their own gadgets, bicycles and other sort of rides. It's no longer like what it was before. And my playmates, I was shocked to see them with their own babies already. and those I had a crush on have very unattractive beer bellies already. hahaha! I can still remember vividly the afternoons we would play really hard 'til we get all stinky and wet and dirty. I miss childhood. :(


The absence of my mom made me do things which I won't be allowed to do if I were with her so I took my rare opportunity to make the most out of it. Well for the first time, I bathed in a river (suba) and did my first ever cliff jumping. woooooooo! It really scared the beejezus out of me but after taking the jump it gave me all the adrenaline rush that was built up inside. And we also watched our driver's "Macho-Gay Contest" and danced the night away in a typical rural "bayle", one other thing I missed about my childhood days when my father would bring me along with him in "puroks" where there were "fiestas". And i was very overwhelmed by how they all received my presence. I actually had fans there. hahaha! It was really weird yet very flattering, I never knew my charms would work even at the mountains. hahaha! Joke.

Being somewhere away from the city made me appreciate simple things and reminiscing will always make your heart cry. :(( I'm really gonna miss my cousins. Maybe the next time Ark visits here, he'll be getting married already. haha!

This is what you've made of me

I often want to laugh at myself when I act unusually than how I normally am. Just like now. I've been dragging myself into things that beat my sanity. It was never the same again since that time happened, things have been different since then, the way I see things, the way things exist, the way I do things, and the way I've been treating myself. Everyday was a habitual torment, that after some time I have learned to ingest in my system. My breaths are heavier now, and sometimes I can feel the lag in between, which I'm not bothered about. That airless spur of time, that skip of a beat, I can feel my heart sinking, I could choke with it. My constricted breathing reminds me of the pain. And it's constant. It's heightened when I remember him. My thoughts, they're invaded by him. It's ironic. I have made a deal with myself not to think of him, but the effort was always futile for my unconsciousness defies my willingness to do so. The more I tell myself to, the more it contradicts. How could I even succeed with that when all the things that surround me are contaminated by his presence. They're ubiquitous. Lingering. The streets where I walk every single day, reminds me of him. At night, I could see silhouettes of us the night I beat him with my slippers when he showed up without my solicitation. Even in my home, the sofa where he sat comfortably without any hint of fear of my mother's presence. When these things defeat my purpose, I feel so beaten up, helpless and vulnerable. I forced myself to be strong, but my tears would always give away my weakness.

His indifference annoys me, yet it makes me want to be there more for him. The more he tries to shut me out of his life, the more I push myself into it. For how long will this last? For how long could I hold this all up? How far will my strength take me? I don't even know if this is what he really wants. I actually know, and this isn't it. But I feel that this is what I should do. Punish myself as he punishes his. This is mad, then mad let this be. Two weeks of madness and now this isn't new anymore. This is how I've become, so mad, so desperate.

I laugh at myself in pity.

I'm Doing, Not Trying

Recently I've been updated with my blog and I really like doing it. with words I get to express what I feel and free myself from those invading thoughts that crowd your mind that sometimes incapacitates you to think because its overloaded. :))

I like how I include :) at the end of my statements. It signifies that I'm quite okay. Well I am okay. I'm holding up somehow and trying to fill in the spaces that someone took away with him. Now, I'm starting to get emotional AGAIN. Cut!

Oh! We watched AVATAR! I've just watched it because I'm such a loser that I don't get updated with the "IT" movies that were shown lately. Yeah, I'm a big loser for missing on the movie everyone's raving about. Well, I made the last trip to the band wagon of the Avatar-swooned people. Just in the nick of time before the excitement subsides on everyone else. Credits to my bro for sponsoring the DVD. :) We watched it together with my niece's yaya and our helper and my brother of course. My mom's not interested, she doesn't watch foreign films, for her its gibberish. We were all mad. Mad as in mad about the movie. We were all screaming and crying and were on our feet already as we watched the climax. You know the feeling that makes you want to get into the screen and be a part of the whole scene? Well, that's how we all felt. It was really an awesome experience. Very overrated. hahaha!

Since I'm a really random person I decided to lace up and jog. It was 7:00 pm. I don't know what kind of wind blew on me that made me decide to take myself for a run. Anyway, so there I was outside warming up with a walk, then off I ran. I'm not quite familiar with our subdivision though we've resided here the longest among the neighborhood. I can still remember that there were only five houses when we moved here. So again, I was not really familiar with the streets here and just braved myself into the darkness. I actually didn't know that the streets are poorly lit and that only a few people go out at night so it felt creepy. I followed my own disoriented compass and ended up on abandoned streets infested with "askals". They were everywhere and I didn't like what was brewing. So I scurried the streets and tried to find my way home. The nearest street I could find was the one with the "haunted" house as what they refer to it.Someone was murdered in that house and her spirit isn't still at peace so she still haunts the place. They're just stories, but that kind of story taps on my cowardice all the time. haha I had to end my fear fast, so from the end of that street, I breathed the amount of air my lungs could contain and ran like a scared-y cat. Dogs hate cats so, taaaa-daaaa, a dog chased me as if i look like a bone robber. It scared the hell out of me! The panic-attack consumed all the oxygen in me, so I could no longer think straight and see where I was heading, so KABLAM! I embraced the mighty, sturdy, cemented post and I got hit by a bark of a tree that stands beside it. I could've climbed that post right then and there when the dog didn't stop barking at me. Too much for my fitness-driven jog. But it didn't stop there, I decided t continue my run on our street. Since I didn't properly warmed up for it, I wavered and dwindled after five rounds and felt my face tighten and my sight became really hazy. I went home before I could have collapsed. :D

Before all of these things happened, I was a total wreck. I'm doing all I can to keep myself distracted. I'm not just trying, I'm doing it. He said, there's do or don't. No try. He still affects me. He still does...

If Only You Know

It's been almost three days since you left. The last two days I just spent it crying and crying every time i see something that reminds me of you. I can't look at the couch where you were seated when you came over the house. When i went outside to walk, i can still remember us walking that same street. My home should be a place that would give me comfort and a place where I could run to hide from you, but you left yourself here and it pains me every time I see you here. I talk as if you're dead when you actually are not.

Having you far isn't new. But this time I feel the longing even stronger as if you're not coming back and I won't be seeing you again. I tried to shake away the thought of not seeing you again. I couldn't bare it. It's nice that you still text me whenever you can. I think you're happy and nothing's changed with you. I'm glad that you're not as crappy as I am right now. I'm glad that you don't have to go through what I'm in right now. I want you to keep yourself busy. I don;'t want you to feel how miserable i am without you. It's just that sometimes I want to hate you for doing this to me, for making me feel this. The intensity of missing you just grows stronger everyday. I don't know if you know that. Maybe it would be better if I just keep this to myself.

I'll just pretend that I'm okay and that everything's just the way it was before. I'm still that crazy girl you knew who caught your attention because of a school violation. I just want you to remember how I laughed at you, with you. I don't want you to know that every time I hold my phone close to read your message, my heart is wrung and twisted, aching for you, aching to hear what you say rather than just read them. I want to hear you laugh instead of just settling down for the "hahaha" that I read. I just want to hold you close again. I remember the time you held my hand and pulled me back but I had to let go. I want o freeze that moment and just hold your hand forever.

I'm sad. Sometimes I feel that you're also pretending to be happy.


p.s. I'm writing this so I won't have to tell you.

A Week Before summer

Mondays are a drag, except for that one. March 22, 2010 was the best start of the week that'll have the worst ending.

Monday. He's up again for another trick on me, another sly scheme that would test my gullibility. I was playing along with it confident that it's just like the last one he tried to pull on me, very lousy. We even bet on it because I was sure that I would win it. Knowing he was in Zamboanga, I know it would be impossible for him to get here in Bacolod in a matter of thirty minutes. Zamboanga to Bacolod would take more than two hours. So I gambled. Thirty minutes and he shows up would mean I'd be broke for a week. I would have to buy him an everyday meal from Mcdonalds if he shows up. I was confident it would be a no show after thirty minutes have passed. Fifteen minutes after my phone rang. "Where are you? Where should I go from Almaciga and Apitong street?", was what I heard him asking from the other end of the line. I was simply shocked so I ran to go outside and find him. He' pissed me. How could he even show himself without even telling me? I had to make the lamest excuse to my mom to justify his coming over our house. School project was the brilliant idea that I thought of. First installment of the week's deal was the next thing that happened and McDonalds cash register welcomed us with a huge smile and leaving my pocket not so happy. hahaha! Actually he just ate a sundae while I indulged myself with a one complete meal.

I couldn't believe that he was right next to me, eating his sundae. I couldn't believe that we were actually laughing together and making fun of other people. I couldn't believe that we actually disturbed the silence at Mc Cafe with our boisterous laughters. I just couldn't believe he was there.

Tuesday. He dropped by the internet cafe where I was at and I made fun of his pants which was a repeat act from yesterday. hahaha

Wednesday. Since I consider myself as a very diligent student, I woke up at 7:15 for my 7:30 exams. Yes, that's how dedicated I am with my studies. So I went to school without taking a bath, which isn't really new to me. My good morning greeting at the guard's office was a reprimand for not wearing my ID which was confiscated the day before this, yesterday. I think of myself as a runner so I sprinted along the corridors to my classroom only to find out that I have no more exam to be take, because ehem, I was exempted. haha Well I had my one and only exam that day. Since I wasn't able to give the second installment of the deal, we went to guess where? McDonalds agian. Being with him is simply comfortable and easy. i didn't need to look my best. Who I am is who he sees. Well he notice my lashes curled and made fun of it, he always does when he notices something and it doesn't bother me at all because it usually ends up as something we could laugh at. When I'm with him, it seems that everything is just so light and happy that everything around us even the simplest things could tickle our keen senses and make us laugh 'til our jaws get tired and give up on us and out tummies become so gaseous. Every moment is just worth keeping and remembering. We've always loved to walk until we get our feet sored and tired. It was almost sunset when we felt the need to take a seat and rest our feet. I still had the burgers that were left untouched during our lunch so we fed on them as we walked an extra mile to see the sun set at the port. But the clouds were envious and they had the sun hidden behind them so all we saw was the golden lining of the clouds which made us argue with the color. I said it was tangerine and he insisted it was pink. I think he's just color blind. We gave up on the idea of sunset and left the port. On our way out there's this "karinderia" that had a videoke machine. He has been itching to stretch his vocal cords and sing so we stopped by the place. It was sleazy and poorly lit and the microphone kept on echoing back but it didn't stop us from holding our very own concert. We sang our hearts and lungs out together. Watching him sing with so much emotions and passion which I thought was very odd made me want to lose myself in that moment wherein there was just him and I. When he stared at me, his eyes melted my heart and if I decided to linger on that moment I could've completely lost myself into it. I looked away instead and eluded my feelings which my eyes could have given away. The sleazy shack, poorly lit place, the malfunctioning microphone, for me everything was perfect. Having him there was enough.

Thursday. We had a burial. I didn't see any of him and it made me feel a weird longing. It was not a feeling that I want to have.

Friday. I submitted my final requirements for my Religious Studies class. He also went to school so we met up. It was very hot that afternoon and nothing could be any sweeter and rewarding than an ice cream. We scoured the places near the school for the most sought after ice cream. We bought a tub of melon ice cream and the next thing we needed was a place to chow down on the cold treat. So to make use of a place, he bought a drink as a prop. He's as brilliant as I am and it's one of the common things we share. hahaha So there we were, sitting side by side, feet propped on the chairs infront of us and digging on the tub of ice cream we had. we shared on the music he was listening to which was mostly club music courtesy of his sister's playlist. It didn't matter whatever song was on the background. For me what mattered more was that we are together, beside each other eating ice cream and listening to the music. But the time we had was limited. He had to buy his sister lunch and I had to submit my papers, so we had to part ways to do our separate errands. I didn't want to but we had to. I had to make the goodbye fast and quick and civil. "So, Goodbye?", was what I mustered to utter and followed by a handshake. Very civil I thought. When I turned around after we shook hands, he took hold of my hand again and pulled me back, but I had to leave. I was running but my steps were so heavy and my heart was beating improperly, pounding really hard. I don't want to say goodbye yet.

I volunteered myself to accompany him to the pier. I just had to, because I felt it was what I should do because it was what I wanted to do. So he picked my up and we went to the pier together. We were seated a seat apart inside the cab. I was looking out of the window and talking random things. I couldn't bare to see him knowing it would be one of the last. We waited for his trip to arrive and talked about stuff to pass the time. I had to keep myself from breaking down. He showed me their pictures during his Christmas vacation and asked me to choose one. I couldn't believe that he's leaving me with a piece of photo. It's not the photo I want, it's him to just stay for a little while. He had to leave. He needed to leave. He hugged me. I know it was really goodbye. So I left without looking back. I couldn't afford to do so. I couldn't bare to see him leave. And I couldn't let him see how a mess I was with all my tears running down my cheeks endlessly.

If I could only hold him back and make him stay even just for another day I would do anything. If I could only rewind the time we hugged, I would hug him longer and tighter. I don't want that to be the last time we'll be eating McDo together, the last time we'll be pigging on ice cream together, he last time we would sit beside each other, the last time we would laugh together, sing together, walk together, be together. It pains me to think that those things were the the last we would be sharing. Thinking of how the week has been and how stingy the hours were for us makes me cry. It constricts my breath and tightens my chest when i recall those times. It pains me even more to know that it pains him as well. I just can't stop thinking of him. How could I when every single thing I see reminds me of him. How could he make me feel so miserable? Why did he even come and eventually leave? Why did he even said those things and did those things when they'll all just remind me of him, when they would just all make me feel that I've lost him and all that's left are those memories, those words that would remain etched on my thoughts. I don't know how things will be after this.

I wished for summer to be different this time and it is. What a way to welcome my summer. Summer will remind me of the time he told me that we'll be having summer classes together, that we'll take one subject together that he missed. That when he gets back here again, we will be together but those are not happening anymore.

Post-Birthday Recall

Yes! You got it right, I have just celebrated my birthday. The date was March 16 and it was a Tuesday. :)

I have officially turned 19. Most friends I know are so anxious to reach this age. I thought it was weird for them to feel as such, because 19 only means after 18 and before 20. It's inescapable and you just can't skip it just because you don't feel right about it. Well, that's their case, 19 is an age between your teens and the second decade of your life which for some is the point of adulthood. It bothers them because they just can't figure out where to place themselves and how they should act accordingly to their age. Funny again. It's simple, you just have to digest that fact in your system and live with it and live on it. You don't have to confuse yourself. Alright, it's their problem and not mine, but I don't want to seem insensitive, I just find it ridiculous to have such an issue with the age. Poor 19.

The first phone call I received that day when the clock struck twelve was a sign of the bliss that was yet to come. That call started it all. How could my day get even better after that phone call? Well I was already happy enough to hear the person form the other end of the line greeting me my first "Happy Birthday". I didn't plan any elaborate celebrations nor thought of even celebrating it. For me, I was already happy to have another year added to my life, that alone was a blessing for me. Oh well, I was also expecting gifts though. hahaha! Anyhow, that childish thought dissipated when my classmates sang me a Birthday song and even repeated it several times, I just can't take off the smile on their face. I'm a sucker for mushy things and that gesture was mushy enough to make even my heart smile. See how cheeseball I could be? hahaha! Thanking my friends wasn't enough, because the most important person I should thank is God. It's my first time in my 18 years to visit the church on my birthday without being told. It's embarrassing to admit, but yes, every year, I never really went to the church with my personal will because I've always been reminded me by my mom. My mom's quite a nagger and she could really get a bit pushy when it comes on things that she asks me to do, so I've always ended up disobeying her. hahaha! BUT, this time I went to the church with my own free will, not only with freedom but with feeling of responsibility as well. I thought this should start it all, a year that is and will be anchored towards God.

My thank you's were so much that I felt thanking Him won't be enough and my thank you's will be unending. Here's the "corniest mushiest" thing I did that day, something that came out of my thoughts suddenly and was very difficult to ignore, I texted my parents. Okay, so you're thinking that it's just a text, but for me it meant all my pride (I was too proud to acknowledge things and people who have supported me tsk.. tsk...) to send those texts to my parents. The text contained my gratefulness and apologies that I deprived them for years. I've been a lousy daughter. So when they got my message, my dad tried to call me BUT I turned down his calls. haha! I was too shy and too bothered with how he will react to it knowing that my dad's the emotional one. I know he would even smother the moment with his own mushiness. hahaha! When I went to see my mom, I didn't have the face to show her and I haven't mustered courage to find her reaction. It's either she'll just tease me in a very disturbing and gross manner that you couldn't even imagine your mom doing it to you. I even counted several 1-10's just to calm myself down, maybe it took me a hundred seconds or more to let my anxiety subside. It was just the most beautiful weirdness I've ever felt.

I had a late lunch with my cousin. It was my birthday treat to her. And it was the most memorable lunch I had with her. We recalled the last time we had lunch in that restaurant and it was when our lola was still alive and it has been years since then. We had random memory recalls and had the best laugh in each topic we talked about, more than half of it were our childhood memories which included the times when all of my female cousins and i would share the bathroom during bath time and the sleepovers we had every summer and vacation and the late night talks and midnight snacks we shared. Those memories were the best and those memories refreshed me of the years that have gone by. Time flies so fast. That day she told me that she was leaving on Thursday, she's moving to Cebu after she got hired in a job. i felt a sudden rush of sadness. One by one, they left and that those childhood memories were the ones that we will all be sharing together and in the next years to come we will all be leading different lives already. sigh. I had dinner with friends and that dinner was simply awesome. I can tell that we have a very dynamic bunch of personalities. It's always a laugh trip when we're together and most of the time we talk about how dreadful college life could be from time to time, but despite that fact we still never failed to make good memories from the nightmares we had. Each person has his or her own quirk and that makes each and everyone of us interesting. It was never a clash of personalities and beliefs, in fact these things gave us perfect harmony. My tummy got gaseous after that dinner. hahaha!

The next day was the continuation of my birthday. Yes, it had an extension. this time it was an intimate talk with my best friend Glyness. It's amazing because when things don't go well, there's always a force that brings our paths together, to be there for one another and to keep each other company. Glyness has been my best friend since we were kids, about 4 maybe when we started school. She's the kind of friend that you don't see often but is around when you're in dire need. Our relationship is like that, we're not too clingy with each other but when we're together we always make our presence felt. So we had frappes too cool us off and updated one another with each other's lives. We didn't linger though, but it was really good to see her.:)

So it's how I spent my 19th year, no big celebration, just intimate conversation with special people in my life. It was mostly a recall of how my years were spent and it gave me time to ponder on the things that happened and how I'm gonna straighten my crook and make up for what I've lost. It was simple yet memorable.


Nineteen for me is my point of new beginning, it's the phase where you bid goodbye to your teenage years, the craziest years of your life wherein you thought you had everything right before you and all you needed to do was just try it all and experiment with your self, years of immature acts, reckless choices and care-free living. The thought of you being invincible just pushes you even further from your limitations. The years of personal struggles that you try to hide from the people around you while feigning an act that you're too fly to go through the shits in life and that everything is just possible because you can do anything and is willing to do anything just to put on a show of "coolness". Years of selfish decisions that weren't well-thought-of, decisions that only involved the three most important pronouns in your life, Me-Myself-and-I. And of course it's the age wherein you start to prepare and prep-up yourself for a more "challenging" chapter of your life, the adulthood. I don't imply that when you reach nineteen you already are an adult. Adulthood is subjective and relative, some mature at a very young age while others still don't outgrow their juvenile ways even if their age already contradicts their ways. Well, you're almost there when you turn 19 and this point ushers you to the bigger, better and even worse things yet to come and it would be very unfortunate if you're still stuck-up with your old ways of facing your life. I think 19 is exciting.



So to those turning 19, embrace your year. :))