If Only You Know

It's been almost three days since you left. The last two days I just spent it crying and crying every time i see something that reminds me of you. I can't look at the couch where you were seated when you came over the house. When i went outside to walk, i can still remember us walking that same street. My home should be a place that would give me comfort and a place where I could run to hide from you, but you left yourself here and it pains me every time I see you here. I talk as if you're dead when you actually are not.

Having you far isn't new. But this time I feel the longing even stronger as if you're not coming back and I won't be seeing you again. I tried to shake away the thought of not seeing you again. I couldn't bare it. It's nice that you still text me whenever you can. I think you're happy and nothing's changed with you. I'm glad that you're not as crappy as I am right now. I'm glad that you don't have to go through what I'm in right now. I want you to keep yourself busy. I don;'t want you to feel how miserable i am without you. It's just that sometimes I want to hate you for doing this to me, for making me feel this. The intensity of missing you just grows stronger everyday. I don't know if you know that. Maybe it would be better if I just keep this to myself.

I'll just pretend that I'm okay and that everything's just the way it was before. I'm still that crazy girl you knew who caught your attention because of a school violation. I just want you to remember how I laughed at you, with you. I don't want you to know that every time I hold my phone close to read your message, my heart is wrung and twisted, aching for you, aching to hear what you say rather than just read them. I want to hear you laugh instead of just settling down for the "hahaha" that I read. I just want to hold you close again. I remember the time you held my hand and pulled me back but I had to let go. I want o freeze that moment and just hold your hand forever.

I'm sad. Sometimes I feel that you're also pretending to be happy.


p.s. I'm writing this so I won't have to tell you.