Losing and Finding

Born to be alone. I am a subliminal introvert. I always have that point of limit that once exceeded pushes me off the crowd. A recent introspection of myself deciphered that apart from being a pronounced limelight seeker, there's always a part in me that shrinks into that insecure person when I can no longer find a space to expand, resorting to isolating myself from the crowd, distancing myself from my closest ties and living like a hermit and sometimes even disgusted by some people. Receding from my flamboyant personality allows me to get in touch with myself, because I tend to lose it when I am overwhelmed with so much attention, I get to lose contact with who I really am and I lose track of where I want to find myself. Easily persuaded and dissuaded, my earnest trust in people often makes me an easy prey to gullibility, not because I have a poor kind of judgment but because I am not fond of judging people and jumping into conclusions. I am not the type that jumps into untested water, I'd rather walk in it slowly and make my feet grope into the uncertain depths of it. This I tend to lose when I surround myself with people who think that they can easily tell what a person is all about at first look. Yes, I am guilty of this sometimes, and I hate it when I do that. This makes me resent myself. I am lost, and I have to find myself again, I have lost myself, I have lost my drive to live life, I have lost my optimism, I have lost my trust, I have lost my reason to love, I have lost hope that things will soon look up, I have lost everything that used to make me a person that others admire.