nadine jensen

I should've done and written this before. Way, way before when everything was still okay and while you were still interested in me. Maybe, interested is not the perfect word, but let's just say you were. I know it's a stupid assumption.

This is actually hard to do, because every time I strike the keys on the keyboard, a lot of things start to rush in my thoughts, because I have so many things to say, so many that I could not sift through which would matter, which would weigh, and which would you want to know. So I mustered myself and try to put into words the things I've been dying to tell you, things that should have been clarified and stated well, but was defeated by my emotional onslaught. Things I should've pondered upon before saying. But I wasn't prudent enough, rather impulsive and blunt. 

If you only knew that I was really happy to know that you actually allotted time to research about me, to track on me through the web, granting that you are techy and savvy, it was easy for you. I know it was just for your fun and curiosity. But, for me I think it was rather special. Sorry for even thinking about it. It was awkward to actually talk to you at first, and I admit I was really a bore. I thought that first conversation would also be the last. I knew it was, but I was glad that there was a second one and more came after that. It was true when you were the first thing I see in the morning and the last before I sleep. I liked it. And I wished that would always happen. It was funny when you would even risk talking with me while you were at work. Half of my mind told me that it was just for you to pass time. But still, the other half thought it was something else. The ambiguity of your intention kept me intrigued and all the time happy. I would always hurry home to see you and talk to you. I was even pissed when we had to go home late because my mom did some grocery and my brother asked me to do some errands. I was excited every time. Every time I see you online, every time the icon hops and signals a new message from you. Everything was going good. Until I ruined it.

I was so engrossed and overwhelmed by how things turned out. It has became a part of my routine to see you. A routine I will never get tired of doing. Sorry if I asked too much of your time. You had a life of your own, and I had mine. I forgot about that. Sorry if I think that I was special. I know it's stupid and it's absurd to even expect something more from what was there. But still hoped that something would actually happen along the way. I shouldn't have. 

Every time I talk to strangers, I was hoping and wishing I was talking with you. I always wonder what we will be talking about if it was you. I don't care if we don't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't care even if you just keep quiet on the other side, if you choose not to talk at all. I don't care. Seeing you was more than enough. 

You told me I have existed for nineteen years without you. I know. But the truth is...