Dear John

Yes, it's a movie adapted from a book by Nicholas Sparks. Bittersweet and heart breaking. It's always how he writes, something that would soothe your heart at first, tug on your emotions, then break your heart. But I like how he hurts me with his works, how he presents all sorts of love that encompasses both the biting reality and the sweetness of fantasies. He tells people to put their faith in love even if it is uncertain and even if it would eventually end with goodbyes. But love, when true will still remain always and forever.

Gloomy Sunny Day

I terribly feel uneasy today. Maybe the heat struck me badly boiling my blood and toasting my brains that I could no longer think straight.

The skies are clear but my thoughts are cloudy, the weather is warm but my heart is frozen, the sun is up on the peak but my day seems to be gloomy. sigh.

I feel nothing. Maybe I feel something, a lot of things but I try to repress them, ignore them, until they explode. My thoughts are even incoherent and my heart's beating differently, my breath is constricted. I'd like to hear my heart thump lub-dub but what it gives instead is a faint, dying sound. I don't know why. Maybe I do, I just don't like to think a bout it. I'd like to bury it in the deepest corners of my thoughts and never ever try to resurrect them. I've felt this before. This is so familiar. I thought I have gotten rid of this, I thought I have won over this feeling, but now it's back again, haunting me the way it used to. It's very persistent that I could not run away from it. It's been with me, it's been with my shadows. And now I'm caught alone with it. Alone in this dark recesses of my life.

I am writing to eliminate these emotions, to dispose these thoughts, to somehow, even just a little I could lessen my burden. Writing is cathartic. I believe so, but I'd like to feel it's effect, if it could really alleviate what my mind has been carrying . I'm chased by my own nightmares, and there's no escape but to face them, wrestle with them, or better yet accept my defeat.

Words have become my friend, bitterness a permanence, depression a constant company.

I'm being apathetic with myself, it's the best solution. I am denying the facts and depriving myself to feel. If I could only numb my heart and let my head work instead. if I could only control it's beating and make a choice for it. But I can;t.


I am living in my own bubble, in solitude in contentment. So I thought. But my little bubble, is just but an illusion of what reality is all about. It trapped me into something that is nonexistent, something that only fools believe and somewhere cowards dwell in. This has become of what my perfect world was. This is now my reality.



P.s. This post is purely my downpour of angst. This isn't permanent and this is just an output of a temporary phase I am in right now. This is another side of me, of everyone of us. This is a fact that in each and every one of us is a ghost we have created for our own selves, that in each and every one of us there is the part we try to run away from. This is a reflection of what a real person is. You are real when you have your own share of shadows in life. You are more human when you face them.

Underlying Truths of a Joke Hurts

It started out as a joke. Funny and far from any serious note. It wouldn't however end as funny as how it started.

When I get caught in a situation with someone and when the mood seems full of tension and awkwardness, my emergency 101 escape solution is to laugh it off and it works all the time. How? I laugh at simple reasons, simple words, simple gestures. It breaks off the ice and fans the dead air away. Well those people should have known the jitters I have. I so dread it so to lighten up the mood, I always come up with the corniest jokes, the most horrible ones you could heard from your lolos and lolas from long ago. It's something good, and it really helps but making people so used to it and sometimes it conceals what you really mean to say.

When someone tells you that he likes you and from the way you knew the person, he's the type who could pull off a prank with you because he knows you could still forgive him at the end. Would you believe him or would you just laugh it off the way you did when he cracked the lousiest joke? I just laughed and I didn't buy it. It's not something to be taken so seriously, and I don't want to end up being victimized by his being a smart-ass. Taking it from there, he starts dropping hints and plays around with his words. Would you buy that? Still I didn't. I just don't want to fall for his tricks. I thought i could outwit his schemes, I'm never gonna let him make me his prey.

Then, after trying to build up my pride and after trying to protect myself from his betraying jokes, I was caught letting my guard down. i was just so gullible to have somehow bite into him. I couldn't blame him.

He asked me to try not to fall for him. His warning came too late because i already have and I already am. I was hoping that he was just kidding like he always used to do. I asked him whether he was serious about it, I was making sure he wasn't pulling off another trick on me. Then an irritating "I think so" came from him. None between the yes or no I made him to choose from. I asked him again, and this time I waited for his reply with prolonged patience and this time i was hoping he would say no. To retract what he said and instead say he was just joking. This time I wanted him to say he was joking, it has to be a joke, it must be. He must not be serious when he said that.

I have fallen for him if he only knew. If I was only honest enough to say that i was and I am instead of a feign "I'm holding on to no." I have already lost my grip and I am in love with him. But now, he isn't. I should've believed him when he said he wants us to be together when he gets back. But I think he's not coming back because he has given up when I took what he said as a stupid joke.

Maybe the joke wasn't stupid at all. Maybe I was the one who's stupid to not believe him.

I should've trusted myself when I used to believe that in every joke lies a certain truth. -030710

School's Tough, but We're Tougher

Second semester has officially started and the usual jitters, cold feet and anxiety creep into every student's system AGAIN. Probably not every student feels this way, but I certainly do. I missed the first two classes for today, which isn't a good satrt and I had two people I mean three people to act as my conscience and convinced me to attend my 6:30 pm class. Their convincing powers totally worked and I thank God for sending angels in the guise of my friends to help me make the right choice. haha! And they were right about attending my class, because it was really a great start.

First ice breaker we did was to introduce ourselves which is the typical firt day scenario in a classroom with a new prof and the twist here is to tell a tale about our course: how did we end up with this choice of course, what's the most painful slash traumatic experiance as a communication student, the happiest moment you had while in the course and how do you see yourself after graduation. We only had to choose one among these options and share it to the class. Here are soome random answers which really captured my attention:


How did you end up with this choice of course?
* I chose Communication because this is what I've always wanted.
* I want to widen my knowledge about this field and I want to improve my communication skills.
* I want to work as a researcher on a documentary show.
* I've always admired my tita, she co-owns an advertising agency and she's rich.
* I'm noisy and someone told me that I should make use of my noisyness and take up communication.
* Ever since, I wanted be a novelist and write my own stories.

What's the most painful slash traumatic experience that happened to you as a Communication student?
* A resounding grief of answer: When my Photography and Multimedia prof gave me a line of seven grade which became my ticket to the probationary list.


What's the happiest moment you've had during the entire course?

* Another resounding heartwarming answer: Having you all as my classmates and meeting new friends worth for keeps along the way. :)

How do you see yourself after graduation?
* An HR person for an American based publication.
* Journalist as noble as Korina Sanchez.
* Managing my own advertising company.
* Writing a novel.
* (Probably holding a cup of Starbucks coffee, carrying piles of papers, well invested eye bags, cramming on deadlines, laying out designs, covering photoshoots and running into a lot of parties. :) )


Whatever answers we gave, it all boils down to one important thing, we've learned to love what we're doing after months and months of questioning why e chose thise course. We never knew why we chose communication, most of us, but after this activity, we realized that we knew the answers all along and we only needed something like this to tap on what's been there for a long time already. We know, but we refused to acknowledge. And after so many challenges and considerable number of failures, we still made it through and we've learned from our self-inflicted anxieties brought about by our tolerance for procrastination, cramming and dependence on other eople, but as we went along, as we have surpassed these challenges and look back to our mistakes, we can say that we've travelled quite a distance already from where we used to be and how we used to be and we can say that we've changed, we've improved and we've matured. We don't see it vividly yet, but we're on our way to get there and its not that long 'til we reach it.

we're now merged into one class and I know that this is gonna be a crazier and tougher sem. I know I'll be having fun and I challenge myself not to oversleep too much and not to cut class. :)

A Step at a Time and You'll Get There

For more than half a year since my mom and I had a decent talk. During my debut last summer, her message for me was full of bitterness. The whole thing can be compared to a movie wherein we were just acting in front of the people who came to celebrate my birthday with me. When it was my turn to give the message, I couldn't help myself but vent out my emotions though I tried to hold it back but I just couldn't keep my tears from falling. After the celebration, my friends kid about the whole thing and how it made them cry just like the movies. Well it was a downpour of emotions, we couldn't help it, I'm easily jerked in tears and my dad's equally emotional as me, but my mom's the tough one with a convincing poker face to conceal what she truly feels. She's hard as a rock and that's something I admire about her and at the same time fear for her. She always sends me into curiosity and puzzles me with how she really feels toward someone or something. She has a way of reacting appropriately in the situation even though it sometimes contradicts her emotions, a good coping mechanism though. Her strength is what I've always wanted to have, something I would ask for, something I would want to learn. She's always been my rock, someone who has always stood by me, someone who would come into my rescue and fight for me when I could no longer carry on with the battle, someone who would sacrifice.

I feel so miserable not to let her know about how much I admire her, how I look up to her, and how much I love her. I feel so incapacitated and unworthy to speak up to her and tell her these things she should be proud about herself and I should be thankful for as her daughter. I just can't. I know that despite our constant arguments and exchange of hurtful words, I know she still cares about me. I can feel it and I know it. When I chance upon looking at her eyes, I can see that she feels so bad about how I turned out to be and that she misses me. If she had the chance to glance upon my eyes, I hope she also saw how much I long for her.

Circumstances sometimes work out to be a way for things to get better or somehow ease things and lead to immeasurable beginnings of improvement.

I had to sleep with my mom and my brother at the master's bedroom as my room was used by my cousin and her baby daughter while staying for the break. I am the last person to sleep at home due to some unknown reasons, insomnia probably. It's really chilly inside my mom's room and I had no blanket to cover my shaking body. I was half asleep and I am still conscious with what's happening around me, but my mom thought I was already so dead asleep, so guess what she did? Yes! if you're guess is right, she placed a blanket on me. If she only knew that I was still able to sense what she did and i wasn't unconscious yet, I know she would've not done that 'til she's sure that I won't know about her sweet act. I knew it! She loves me still and I'm glad to know that she still cares about me. I know she always did and always will. And now, we're starting to have short conversations mostly random questions and answers. Hahaha! But it still counts little by little, we'll get there.

Why I don't say I LOVE YOU

It's easy to jump from one relationship to another, but it only takes one man to make a girl stay.

Swinging from one guy to another sure is easy, fun and so much less complicated than locking yourself to one person. This kinda works for me. Being care-free and free-spririted, notice the "free" always attached, I prefer to be unattached. As quoted by my friend Charisse, we need space to grow and we can possibly achieve growth if we're not surrounded by some barriers that would limit our space and compete with our attention, time and energy. But the truth is, it's not just about enjoying sweet freedom alone, it's also about having security with yourself knowing that you don't have to rely on someone else for your happiness because you know that happiness is what we make when we feel secured. I may be naive, but it's the safest way to ensure yourself of messy and painful break-up drama and other traumatic experiences. When you like someone, don't invest sooo much emotions on it 'cause it may turn out to be some dirty business. I just don't like getting all dirty and messed up. I don't want to end up like those other girls blowing their noses and eyes soared with overfowing tears until their tear ducts get all dried up.

I am not stubborn. I'd like to think that I'm wise when it comes to love and all the mushy things along with it. Sadly, I am not wise and I'm like those any other girls who cry when they end up broken hearted. I have my own fair share of unhappy endings. I have gone through the times when i have totally lost my faith in love and faith in someone who will take away all the pessimism that have pent up after years of not finding happiness with someone I could call mine.

I just don't say I Love You because I can't. Because I'm afraid, because I'm a coward to face all that would come after those three words.

I'm 18, not young neither old enough to fully define what life is. One thing I'm certain about is that, I struggle to live. We all do. We are one and the same in this fact, and the other is that we all have our own ordeal to face, but what makes each of us different and unique is how we stand up, face and deal with life's challenges.

On my most recent previous post, I've mentioned that me and my mom's relationship with one another is quite hazy. And to update you, well we've had some short exchange of words already, well mostly when I ask something from her and that's it. A development, quite dragging though. But how did it all started? If I have to give details of it, well I can't recall the main reason why we started not talking, maybe because several other reasons came about and I can no longer distinguish which is the real point of this misunderstanding. It's a misunderstanding, a reason to be considered with an additional miscommunication or lack of communication at all, inhibitions and miscalculated apprehensions to spice it up. To even get things boiling, well, I'm the kind of daughter who would hesitate to say sorry. Yes I know, I am the daughter, younger and lesser than the parent and if there is one person to give that apology, that would be me. It's crystal clear to me and I surely know this. But I resist, not that I don't want to say sorry, but I choose not to, for now. My stubborn reason for this is, if I say sorry and then commit more offenses, it's just like I never valued my apology and the forgiveness she'll give me. And I know that I am yet to commit more mistakes, mistakes that could disappoint her AGAIN, so I choose to save my apology for the right time, the time when I can fully assure myself and my mom that I have less tolerance for an another mistake.

The challenge here is to show her I'm changing, and not to just bluff nor deceive her with my apologetic words. I want to show her that I really am sorry rather than just tell her I am. Well I hope she'll understand the delay. And I also hope that you could relate well with my reason. Well your entitled to your own opinion and I know that you also have your own piece of mind for this, but for me, this is my piece of mind.