Dear  Self,

            You are beautiful, strong, intelligent and talented. Many people told you that, though they may have sounded too overwhelming and flustering and sometimes incredible for you to believe, but they are right. You are those things and more but you have forgotten.

            You have loved that you have chosen to suffer all the pain instead for others. All this time, you have kept everything to yourself, all of your pains, insecurities and weariness because you are afraid to be seen and perceived as weak. These things have eaten up the good things in you, they have worn you down. You have loved so much that you have forgotten to love yourself.

            It is not wrong to search for love, for acceptance, for security from others. You’ve searched hard enough that you have lost all your strength and you have missed out on the things that were there, sources of genuine, unconditional love. You have ignored things that truly matter like family, friends and God. You have been absorbed to the worldly belief and selfish intuition that the love you’re looking for is from someone else. You’ve had more than what you needed, but you’re so stubborn and discontented that you kept looking for more.

            Look at you now, you have lost the love you thought was your happiness, and you have distanced yourself from those who truly love you. You are all alone, by yourself, no one to turn to. You are embarrassed, for you have become ungrateful and disobedient that’s why you cannot turn to people you have hurt. You’ve hurt them so bad. You are now afraid that the little love they have for you will dissipate because of one more mistake you are about to commit. You cannot disappoint them anymore.

            Don’t worry, you still have yourself, though left in jagged pieces, fragile and afraid. It will take time before you heal, before you regain you gift to trust, to love. Do not haste. Take your time in healing. It will be hard, it will be painful, and it will leave you scars, but you have no choice. Do not forget to hold yourself up, pull yourself together. You were once strong; there is still that strength inside you. 

            You still have your dreams, hold on to them, they will guide you and help you in your process of healing. They will motivate you to do better and correct your mistakes. They will be your light, to guide you to the right path.

            In time, when you remember the good things that once put your life in golden moments, and the bad things that have lead into this, do not regret. Those memories are your treasures; someday they will make a good story.

            Though you have forgotten, He has not. He has always loved you. He was there all the time reaching out to you, stretching out his arms, but you were off to some place then, chasing after things that have fled you now. It’s time you reach out to Him.

Someday, when everything is done, you must not forget this: forgive. Books and wise men said that forgiveness only happens when you begin with yourself. Forgive your self. You were not that bad. You made mistakes, that’s universal. Nobody has been exempted from this human ordeal. Forgive yourself. When you have forgiven yourself, forgive them. It will be hard. Nobody said forgiving is easy.

            There are a lot that you have to do. But in time everything will be done.

Home. Many stories came from this word, stories that inspires, encourages and touches hearts.

What is home for you? Can you tell great stories from the very moment you hear this word? Do you feel that spark of love that ignites in your heart or does it make your heart sulk and envy those who have stories to tell and make you wish you have something different?

I wish I have something different.

The End in the First of February

Coincidence is playing on you when it starts to play the background music of your emotions, dissing you with the exactness of how the song describes your state. Touche.

The writer's block that is brought about by the chaos of emotions is happening again. Days, weeks and months of separation from writing could make you suck at it when you get back on it. It has always been the emotional instability, the surging and rocketing, that makes me go back to writing. I've always believed that this process is cathartic. And yes, this figures, I am in an emotional distress.

To see an end to everything, to expect an end as a consistent possibility to a lot of things doesn't help you when you've reached the corner. Preparations or looking forward to it will never ever make you prepared, it's like expecting that you're about to give birth, you know it's gonna happen soon, you know it's gonna hurt, you know it's gonna be really bad, you know it's gonna be painful, so you practice to numb your feelings, toughen your self, but when the clock hits the time of the unexpected, all of your preparations will be all discredited. It's still gonna be painful. But the opposite thing about that comparison is, giving birth is giving a new life to something, and breaking up, an end and death to what was once was beautiful.

The bad thing about being attached to someone is when the connection snaps out. Growing dependence, building memories, looking forward to the future with someone are the things that should be avoided if you see relationship as a passing thing, or something that has an ending, but that's too impossible once you are there, telling yourself to be careful, to safeguard your emotions, to protect yourself from the worse that could come, these things will all be neglected and too hard to fulfill, because being in a relationship is the most vulnerable state a person could be at. To be with another person means sharing everything together, it means thinking of yourself less and thinking of the other as a part of something that is considered as a common or mutual understanding that each of you should care for each other and love each other, it's like opening yourself up to someone without inhibitions because there is trust, there is the acceptance that will be kindly granted to you, there is this love that will see pass through all the murky part of you that you yourself could not accept nor fathom to look into. 

Falling apart. That is the direction that should be avoided. There is this thin line that separates falling apart from being apart. Falling apart is when two people have slowly given up on each other, blew off the fire that keeps the relationship alive and letting go of what hold them together, love. Being apart is when two persons decide to give each other time and space to grow and think, to ponder, to realize and to learn. Being apart should not be a form of punishment, it should be a break that two people agree upon to spend time with their selves and to examine how things have been, to look into the past and maybe see through the future, if they still want to, it's being away from each other but not letting go, because you both know there is still love. I'd like to think of this phase now as being apart, because I know we still love each other, I know that, he knows that.

I miss my papa. 

The afternoon has just set and now on its early hours. The sun striking with a blinding light, illuminating my room. It's not hot, just the kind of warm that puts you into lazy, quiet mood, perfectly whisked to make you think.

Steady. This afternoon is just steady, reading from others' public update of their lives in all social networking sites, frantic, hopeful, excited and anticipating of the next year in a few hours. It's the last day of 2011 today, and I am here reminiscing how the year was. 

But that's another story.

What would be a better way to spend the last day of the year? Thinking. Yes, I think a lot and it has done me good and caused me trouble, emotional surges, confrontations and unnecessary woes. 

Sitting quietly in my bed, I thought to myself, there's one thing that I've been trying to avoid for years in my life, and that is steadiness. The steadiness that would last and drag for a long time, it scares me, it worries me. For steadiness could fall into routine and complacency, the lack of passion and life in the things that we do, for the people we love. 

It makes me wonder what transpires in the minds of the people when they've grown too comfortable with each other, does the peace on their face reflect what's inside their thoughts? What secrets do they keep? I'm sure we all have secrets we keep. How they feel about a certain thing? These things that could just run around in a steady situation without being discussed. It's lonely. It's frustrating to think that we could not do anything about the things that people keep from us especially if we are directly affected by it. 

Shouldn't we accept that there is no such thing as permanent? That everything we thought would last would eventually wash away through the years, that the things we keep intact would soon weather and that only one thing's bound to happen, change. 

2012 I know you will be a very big change in my life.

Table for Two

Friendship is not defined by proximity or the length of time two people have spent together, its not about the number of memories shared, it is about bridging the distance and feeling like you've never been apart, it's about making every time spent together last like eternity and making every single moment a memory worth remembering.

Charisse and I have known each other since we were elementary, as she remembers it vividly we first made a proof of how good as a team or a duo we are during our quiz bee when we were in grade 1. I had all the answers that got us to the final round and she had the correct answer for the final question which I could've gotten wrong had I not listened to her. We won the contest. In one of the contests in our fourth grade, we paired up and practiced together, we were a perfect match as we were the key pair of the group, chosen to be the final pair when the game got tougher, and with an unquestionable coordination and unity, we won. Things began to get better for us when got into high school. Our second year highlighted and jumpstarted our friendship which was soon forged into a deeper and higher status of sisterhood. We complement each other, we learn from each other, and as what we have always believed we are twins by soul, separated by birth.

College was a test in our friendship, having to spend four crucial years of emotional instability and identity crisis, a friend is someone who would constantly reassure you of your strengths, and would keep you sane. Having missed milestones in each other's lives as well as those times when our morale is at rock-bottom, it was tough getting by without a friend. Apart, we have met other people to fill in the roles we are supposed to fill in, we have created our dreams, when we used to always dream together and build some of our dreams around each other, this time we were on our own, reaching realizations when we were by ourselves. We have found our passion separately, we have lived lives apart from each other's shadows, and most of all we have learned to grow.

Breaks became the only times we can make up for the time we've lost, it's hard to congest all the things that have happened in a year in a span of two to three hours. Some things that were kept in the shelves of our thoughts and archived are often left undiscussed. Our friendship may have gaps, but that doesn't make our friendship any less.

The things we've talked about, the way we talk, the topics we pick to discuss about, the people we've spent time with in the absence of another, the places we frequent, these things have changed, but looking at her talk animatedly, listening to her high-pitched voice, the old rants and whines, apprehensions and the security of uncertainty, I know we've never changed. There will always be that high school Charisse and Nadine somewhere tuck in ourselves, sooner or later we have to shed it off, but one thing will remain in our high school selves, the friendship we've built and kept strong.

Stars and Boulevards

When the stars shone the brightest, when the night skies were the clearest... that's when I felt the darkest. Coincidentally, the darkness of the sky and the eclipse of the moon were signs of an impending doom and the end.

When love is not enough to hold things together, to promise you that everything's gonna be okay as long as there's love, when it no longer works its magic, that's when you need something to fall back on to save whatever there is left of. But, what if there's nothing else you could fall back on? What if love's the only thing that can save it, but now it's gone.

The first one who gives up is not the weaker one, maybe he or she is just the wiser one to acknowledge the fact that no matter how hard both of them have tried it's not gonna work and keeping things together is not a sign of strength but a sign of cowardice to admit that they've reached the end of the road.

Pain lingers for a while, reminiscing will be the unwanted company, and memories will be the best reminder of how good it was and what went wrong, and maybe in one of those memories you will come across with eventually you will find consolation and the answer to why things didn't last as hoped for.

Maybe, just maybe, forgiveness will save it all.

Love Sick (Barfs)

While watching wedding videos and listening to vows, I realized how love sick I am, that I still have that hopeless romantic lurking inside me. We all are sucker for happy endings and fairy tale like stories, even the most cynical beings have that secretly and buried deep down inside them, hating to admit it as a sign of, maybe, a rebellion against things that are superficial, but we all are superficial, we also just hate to admit it.

I take it as an inside joke on me whenever I feel both a cynic and a believer, when I doubt the things I believe and believe in the things I doubt. It's inexplicable but such thing exists in me.

How many times have we seen ourselves married to the person we are with right now? How many times have we had replaced the person we used to be with? Looking at a relationship as something that has no end is good while the spark is there, while the person remains the same the very first time we knew them, however, what happens when reality kicks in, when the person we thought we knew is someone different? Do we still see a future with them? Do we still see love like there's no end in sight?

To keep a relationship a lasting one, requires a lot of things, to begin with it is also something. So what's with the love sickness? The thing about being in love is when you see past through what's right in front of you, to believe even in the most impossible and to feel emotions you've never felt before. It is when quotes become part of your conversations, it's when love stories become relatable you even want to call them your own, it's when you start looking at the future holding that same hand you're holding now, it's when you feel scared but keep pushing forward anyway, it's when you start blogging about it.

When love kicks in, the doubts are kicked out. It's is entrusting yourself to the person, knowing that he might not perfectly handle you, but he will endure handling you and hold on to you no matter what. Yes, you may have imagined how your house will be, your wedding, how your vows will be delivered and what they will contain, you also have created names for your babies while you feel butterflies in your stomach, but it's not just about happy days, glorious days, it's about facing everyday no matter how ugly and awful it could be and making it end magically. Love is about hard work, it's not always like the fairy tales because even fairy tales tell us that there are villains to be taken down and struggles to be overcome to get to our happy ending.

Don't judge me, I'm feeling extra sensitive, and I hope you should too. 

Life

Life, this word, life, too short to type, too big to comprehend and too unpredictable for how long it stays. Hundreds or thousands have tried to define it, or paint a picture of it for themselves to understand and for others to have an understanding of, however we're missing out on the whole point of it. It is not to be defined, nor to be understood, it is to be lived because it simply happens and it will keep on transpiring while you're on your midst of trying to understand and figuring it out.

What am I saying then? To be honest, I really don't know. I'm not even trying to make a point, or maybe in a way, yes. The whole point of writing this is just for writing this. This thought currently bugging my every neuron is fleeting, yes this will soon be gone and if I delay this, this, this whole thing will be another thought lost in memory. 

We sometimes don't need valid reasons to do a certain thing, we do it because the timing calls for it, and impulsive as it may be called, we know that we did exactly how we felt at that moment, and that moment when we don not know what we're doing that, that is what goes down our memory. 

Yes, doing things in defiance and without precautions, when we put ourselves into the test, when we do not know what's gonna happen next but are sure that we will bravely face it as the price of our stupidity, that's when we have truly lived.

I always tell people I'm a boring person.

I really find it flattering when people say I'm fun to be with. It's the kind of compliment that I still haven;t fully believed in. When fun equates to being stubborn and reckless then, it figures, but I'm not really an outlandish to be doing crazy things all the time. It's always been my wish to be an interesting person, interesting in a way that you've done extraordinary things, or accomplished something really nice. But it's not like that, I'm not like that, really.

I would rather sit and talk and just stare into space or observe people, maybe intermittent silences to let your mind wander or your thoughts explore. I like listening to people, listening to their dreams, to their plans, to the things that they share even though most of the time I expect to receive the favor of being listened to, I talk a lot, incessantly if I like the person I'm talking to and the subject we are talking about. I like learning, that's the rewarding part of having conversations and listening to other people. When I learn something new, I let it sit in my mind, maybe give it a try sometimes or just keep it in my memory, I might need it one day.

There are different kinds of conversations from different kinds of people and from the kind of relationship you have with them. There are those people you talk about nonsensical and funny stuff, things that sometimes mock and make fun of other people or situations. These people you can be really creative and experimental with your imaginations with. They will forgive you for being stupid or laugh at it. There are also those people you talk about serious matters, not necessarily philosophical views in life nor politics, well maybe polotics at times. These people you have high respect and trust for are the people you share your views in life with. You create conversations you can learn from and exchange learnings with one another. There are also people you talk with because you think it's polite not to ignore them. There are also those you can never talk about anything with. Others just want you to listen to them. And there are also people you can talk with about anything, without fearing of being judged, they just let you be, listen to you, and you listen to them in return, you learn from them and they learn from you, there will occasional laughs, or serious tones, and sometimes you can cry to them, but still feel okay crying because you know they'll understand.

Sometimes the person you talk with about the same things you enjoy, the person you can easily relate to, the person who shares common interests with you, the person who makes you think that he or she is the one for you, you know you sometimes get the feeling that you two might be perfect for each other because you two are so alike, sometimes it could be wrong. I learned that if two people share too many things in common and like too many the same things, the conversations will eventually get boring and will be repeated many times in the future. There's nothing else more to share with them because you two know each other too much, which makes one of you too comfortable and too secured that you stop discovering things and surprising each other. I'm not sure, it's just one of my stupid theories. :)

If only my thoughts could be directly encrypted in this blog before they start to disintegrate into fragmented and incoherent thoughts that disappoint me especially when I cannot pick up the pieces and put them together to recall the whole thought. 

It's really impossible to be able to keep track of every event that happened within a week or even just within a day, but pieces of it will stay vivid in our minds, and not all the time these things are nice, perfect or magical, sometimes these memories that cling on to us hurt us or made us feel differently, scared and unsafe at one point. 

My heart was pounding and racing, trying to blink back my tears. My chest was twisted, breathing constricted and I started to pace faster. Everything was in a blur. Only one thing was clear, I was waiting that he'd make the first move or at least show sign that he's gonna fix it.

We both pounded as we part our ways, maddened by some vague argument, we both walked out only with pride in our hearts. I blame him, and he blames me for refusing to grant him forgiveness which was at that time should be made available for the taking, but I pride stopped me from giving it away easily. So there we were both mad and both waiting, waiting for whoever choked on his or her pride and make the move.

I stood as still as the shelves in the bookstore, unregistering every word I read. Startled by the hand that wrapped around my waist, I blinked back my tears and feigned a straight face. I avoided his eyes, I stopped the words to escape my mouth because I was sure my voice would crack and my tears will stream down my face, giving away how I really felt. 

We sat on the floor like kids, ignoring people, it was like a scene taken straight out of a cheesy flick. I started to fix the books, arranged them by titles, piled them and straightened them, right then and there I knew I was anxious and very depressed. People started to go to that part where we were, and tears that were welling in my eyes started to fall, so I bent my head down to conceal my crying face. 

He took me up, and freed my hand from every book I fiddled on. I couldn't look at him, I was mad at him, really mad, mad and disappointed for being a coward, for being unreasonable again. He wiped tears off of my face and tried to lock our fingers. He held my hand, I held his. 

We walked, silently. The grounds were wet, we were now outside about to go home when he directed me to take a seat on the vacant chairs. We sat there, quietly for a while. I looked at the grounds, the lights reflecting on the puddles, it's Christmas in a few weeks, and the wind is colder than the usual especially that it just rained. His voice was faint, saying sorry while I tried not to listen, tried not to give in. In low and almost inaudible voice, I heard a familiar tune hummed with gibberish words. It was Use Somebody,   a song by Kings of Leon, a band whose documentary he just watched, I downloaded it for him.

The deal, he did as what we agreed on, a song for every time I cry. It was a stupid deal I made him agree on, I just wanted to hear him sing, even if it takes me to cry, and it worked. I cried. Then I laughed, I laughed at his stupid face, he doesn't look stupid, not at all, he was sincere, but I still laughed because the deal actually worked. But it was not just about the deal, it was more of the assurance that he showed me, assurance that he's gonna do anything to bring things to normal and to make sure that everything is okay even if he'd need to murder a song.

We sat quietly for a while and talked some more. I like the rain, I like the feeling of sadness it brings, that sadness that is now replaced with company, contentment and happiness brought about by his presence.

I know there will be more songs to be murdered, more cliches to be recycled and more sleazy imitations of movie scenes, but I'm sure that we have a beautiful plot.

A New Start, Again

We all get fresh starts from some endings, and it's always up to us how to use this chance, this new beginning. I do sound redundant, but just let me be, I know I am. See? Okay, so fresh start, there we begin from words "new", "start", "beginning", "fresh"... all these words sound promising, because they really are. It's like you're handed with a clean sheet of paper, and you are about to make a new masterpiece, but then you start to be apprehended, to feel scared, afraid to taint that clean sheet with a possible err in a masterpiece, something that will affect the finish product. Okay, so it may not be visible to whoever sees your finish product, because artists have their way of concealing mistakes in their works, and that we never get to notice them, but only themselves know about it. They know that there was a mistake somewhere. Let's not talk a bout mistakes, let's try not to, it will only make things hard to begin with. So this is what I'm talking about...

Second sem's gonna start in a few hours, and as the usual, the previous one isn't worth bragging about. The usual slacking off, absences, mediocrity, complacency seasoned my previous semester, giving it a bland taste of success. I've been an underachiever ever since I started my college, not a good start, and it's followed by a streak of failures and disappointments, a couple of distractions from here and there, these things did not bring me back on the right track. And still, I'm offtrack, but that doesn't mean that I will always lose the direction. So the break I had, spent it over thinking, overanalyzing, overreacting, and overestimating things, used up all of my energy sulking, moping and complaining a LOT. It's time I shed off the negativity in me. Here I am again, challenging myself to a better semester. It's time to make good and impressive grades.

Relationships, this part is tricky here and a bit difficult to get into the details. Venturing into the unknown version of relationship, maybe not unknown, just the untouched aspect of the different faces of relationships because I've admittedly failed and faired badly at it, getting a head-on confrontation on "love",  this one deserves a good start. Not that it hadn't started yet, but giving it a fresh start everyday will keep things different and promising all the time. (See, I'm not really good at it, I don't know if I'm even making any sense)

Blogging or writing has given me catharsis, but as I've browsed through my blog entries and journal entries which I keep to myself because I can get severely cheesy at times, I've noticed how much of a downer I have been lately. Most of the entries were very depressing, sounded lost and sad, spiteful and regretful. To think that I've been like that for a long time now, I feel like I've wasted so much of the precious time, opportunities and energy by allowing myself to be possessed by so much negativity in me. What happened to the "inspiring" and "positive" person I want to be? Well, she took a break and relished in the sadness of life, but now I'm starting to get rid of those destructive emotions. Not that I'm totally blocking those emotions, but to start feeling these emotions in moderation when necessary. It's not that bad to feel sad at times, I always believe that in sadness, we can appreciate the value of happiness. So I'm harboring all the positive energies to write about positive and constructive posts, to keep that fervor of inspiring people.

Chances are unlimited, just as the possibilities, people may give you only a few of it or even try to suppress you from having it, but life won't. Life is an endless cycle of mistakes and lessons learned, and in every failure, in every downfall comes a new beginning, a better one if you will it to be.

So for our final term, we were asked to make a music video for an OPM song. This song earned me the exemption from the final exam.

Extra special thank you to Chelcie Olmedo for doing me the huge favor, for being my director and cinematographer. :))

This took us 2 hours to finish. It still gives me the anxiousness and awkwardness whenever I watch this. :/

The Routine

Finding ourselves always complaining about what's happening with our life can get routinely. Yes, routinely, like it is has integrated itself, voluntarily into our daily routine. For me, it has. For the past few days, almost a week now, I found myself always complaining and ranting and whining, habits I've perfected overtime. It is normal, since I've always been doing this since the time I began to expect more from life and sadly not doing much on my part to make it happen. That's the problem with most of us, we always complain that our lives aren't as great or as exciting as that of other people, and we even blame them or curse them for the good fortune that they enjoy. That's bitterness eating up our better selves. It destroys our perspective towards life, it even taints our relationship with people, our perception. Bitterness that lurks within us scrambles our thoughts and fuels our envy, when we see other people doing good with their lives, we sulk in one corner and condemn the world for being so unfair to us. We start to create these notions on why and how they become so lucky and become skeptical of how they made it that way. We would think unjustly of them, we would focus on their negative sides, feed on their issues like it is our daily  necessity for living, we wait for their downfall and even take joy in it. That kind of life is bound to end in sadness, despair and discontentment. When we live our lives to compete with others, to always do better than they can, to always put ourselves higher than them, when we seek for other people's approval and praises, that is a life that will soon exhaust you and wear you down, and by the end of the day, you'll find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled. Yes, you may have given your best, but all your efforts weren't tailored for your improvement, rather you have paved your way towards degradation.

The thing about this routine is, you can put an end to it. Yes, it is fixable and you can be rescued from it before you get trapped into it eternally. Save yourself, because only you can do that help to yourself. People will keep telling you what you should do to nurse this kind of problem, they will give you pieces of advice and solutions, but it is only you who can give the proper medication to this problem. The answer can be found within yourself. No amount of advices can fix this, because though you hear them you will never listen to them and worse, you will never apply them. You will perceive them as babbles and you will only doubt the intentions of people who are trying to help you because you already have developed this skeptic who inhabits your judgment. When you decide to stop moping around and blaming other people or even the world for your mishaps, it is then that you'll find the light, the answers and of course the solution to your problems. You will then have that clear vision of where you are and where you want to be, a picture of your best self. 

It begins now. The remedy is within your reach, the routine is bound to end, start it now.

When you crack, hold yourself together and try not to break.

The Perfect Life

We all have that picture of a perfect and happy life. 

When we were little, that picture seems so easy to achieve, just as how easy it is captured by our imagination. Maybe when we were little it was easier for us to believe that good things happen without having too much effort to exert, or it just happens naturally, because when we were young, our minds were innocent and untainted by the pains that life will eventually send in our way. We used to see life through rainbow colored glass, everything is possible, everything is just beautiful and everything is just perfect. 

Then life happens. As we grow older, we start to realize that it's not that easy at all, the spectrum of colors, the rainbow colored glass we used to see life through starts to lose its colors one by one, and the optimism is gutted by doubts and fears, then we eventually have a pragmatic and real version of life, that it's all black and white. Yes, life is black and white, just two options, two colors that will define the next things that will happen. 

The very moment we begin our struggle to make life perfect comes the reality that it is not easy, it's a constant and endless plight to do things in order, in accordance to what's acceptable, in complement to what's expected. Choices are to be made with only the good in mind, that anything that contradicts the norm is not good, actions should not hurt people, they should, as much as possible , be done with the best intentions only, then we become a shoddy version of people who have lead a bland kind of life. People who have thrown away their dreams, the dreams they used to have as kids, who have buried their passion deep down the demands of other people, who have grown to become complacent individuals rather than the unique ones. Then life starts to become black and white. Dull. Lifeless. Wasted.

That's the price of striving for a "perfect" life. The truth is, life is not perfect, too cliched as it may sound, but that's the truth, it may sting and it may have set your hopes to a perfect life crumble to pieces, but that's it, we have to suck it up and accept that fact. We will never get what we want, nor end to where we always want to be, we cant be with people whose arms we yearn for, and we can't always be who we want ourselves to be, not as perfect as we've imagined it. Then it will dawn on you that the struggle to that perfect end, to that perfect life gave you perfect moments, short, fleeting, but perfect and mind you, many of them. Those moments that passed by, those that we only had a grasp for awhile, those that we never expected, put them altogether, and you'll see a perfect picture of life, and that it is imperfect, but definitely beautiful.

Haggling

         

        

Haggling.

                People haggle to get the best out of the little that they can give, which is kind of unfair for the other end. It does not only happen during a purchase of good, sometimes real life circumstances may need some haggling when in desperation and hopelessness, haggling can give a little hope, a little light, a little chance of getting what you ask for. Since in life, money can't always play its role in buying things, haggling can be done in the form of a barter, an exchange of something for another, maybe giving up something for another or by in every essence of this word, harsh and hard, sacrificing something in exchange for something else. An agreement that could exist with another person, or with Someone who apparently owns and controls everything that we move around with in this world.

                Haggling has always been my resort when I ask for something that seems impossible. I bet something on an agreement that could possibly win me my wish, and hoping that in giving up something, I can have something that I lack at the moment. It has become a constant fallback whenever I feel that what I ask for is too much or too big, and for a while I thought that it's being fair, because I don't just ask for something, I actually am willing to give up or sacrifice something and make room for a new one, for something that I badly want. It's fair. Haggling has actually worked for me a few times, maybe enough for me to recall, but not overtime, then the inconsistency hit me, you don't get everything you demand for even if you sacrifice something else, and the old cliché then made itself once again, true, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Well, true enough, if one thing is meant for you no haggling is necessary, cause it'll be given to you without anything in exchange because it is really meant for you. But as I type this along, a thought contradicted me, haggling can justify the importance of something for you, because if you don't think of it as something as important as you see it, then you can just let it pass you and get by without feeling bad about it if you won't get it, but it's not. Per se if you are ready to give up something then it only shows that what you don't have is more important than what you already have at the present, and then another thought starts to argue with this, if you think that something is more important than what you have at the moment then it shows how discontented you are, and that you don't appreciate your blessings. Haggling is also an act of selfishness, in some cases that is, when you haggle and sacrifice something, you miss on considering how the other person or the people involved with the move would feel. It could hurt them, specially if the results or the consequences are too vague to foresee or too hard to prepare for. People will always be inevitably affected, and that's a part of it.There are selfless haggling too. To haggle for something that would help another person, directly or indirectly is a form of haggling that is selfless. If you haggle for the good of others, then most likely it would be granted.

                   

             I am in the state of haggling right now, still waiting and hoping that my offer would be taken and that my wish be granted. I have thought of the things that haggling can bring and do to me and other people, I have considered every aspect of it and examined every possible result of it, and I'm positive that it will not harm other people, and it may bring good to a few, but the fact that it will bring goodness is something that should keep me optimistic with the effort. In the end, it's still all up to HIm.