Here I Go Again...

I better fortify my walls. They're just as weak as I am, easily crumbling down, easily penetrated, easily wrecked. 

It has always been my frailty, my weakness, to easily like someone I shouldn't. A constant reminder never helped. The more I remind myself, the more it contravenes and the easier I fail with the endeavor.

The only solution I see is to shut people out of my life, but the thought of it alone scares me. I don't fear to be alone, what I fear is that if I try, I know I would fail AGAIN. It's just like running in circles, doing the same old routine, resurfacing similar feelings... ****! 

In the end, just like the rest, they always leave. 

I need not say more. 

There's a blogger in her genes that's why she can fly.

She'll get you high

(click to see why)

I Left My Heart in One Tree Hill

What can I say? One Tree Hill is the best series ever. And this Christmas, all I could ask for is the complete series of OTH from seasons 1-7. Well, it won't hurt to wish for it, and I'm a fan girl, what else could I ask? :))  

WHY DO I LOVE ONE TREE HILL?

                                               

Every episode is compelling that it always sends me into tears. The lines are equally powerful that you could actually relate to them and live them out.

One Tree Hill is a story about friendship, life and love. About having faith and hope, about not giving up and fighting for the reason 

that you live for.

The characters stand for the different people in real life, representing different attitudes, different beliefs, different struggles and the triumphs that come after it. Each of which has his and her own fate to chase, a life to live and the circumstances from which one finds his essence and strength to inspire.

Mark Schwann is a genius for creating such a masterpiece. 

Plus, plus, plus, my friends and I share the same inclination and interest in this series, so that gives us another reason why we are so hooked into it. :)

The most genuine and sweetest vows 

(click to see)

I watched that episode/scene for more than five times and every single time I did, I couldn't help but cry. I am so excited for my own wedding vows. :))

Family's Little Angels

It feels like it was just yesterday...

Then one goes on a trip down the memory lane and all the nostalgic feeling starts rushing in. Well, I can't help it, we all can't help it when we all go reminiscing. Right? It's a normal human habit to once in a while glance back to its past and relish the memories. But honestly, it really feels like it was just yesterday when we all used to be little rascals, hooligans, and restless kids. I can vividly recall all the times me and my cousins would come home from play all ragged, filthy and stinky. Then we would take a bath all together. :)

But now, my cousins have babies of their own already, and I am now an "aunt". When I first had my nephew, it felt so surreal. My reaction was like, "WHAT?! OMG! I can't believe it, someone's gonna call me tita." :) And my heart just starts jumping. Yes, yes, yes, I was really overwhelmed the first time one of my cousins gave birth to her son, Nathaniel Hautea Donaire.

This is Nathaniel "Nat-Nat" Hautea Donaire, the first great grand son "apo" of my lolo and lola. The first grandson of my aunts and uncles, the first born of our very own next generation, and my first nephew. :)

Second to Nat-Nat is Sean Gabriel Hautea. He's my half-sister's son and a very intelligent kid for his age.

Third of the boys is Emmanuel "Emman" Hautea Gepigon. The first son of Shelly and Ricky. 

Isn't he adorable? He's already toilet trained at the age of 2. And he's becoming addicted to computers. :)

He should start being responsible for himself, now that he has a brother. hahaha! Let's welcome, the youngest among the brood...drum roll please... Vince Robin Hautea Gepigon. :)

 
He's a healthy baby weighing 7.8 lbs. at birth. :)

He is now 2-months old and looking like his dad. hahaha! I have to commend Ricky for having very aggressive genes.  :)

Very cute kids during last year's Halloween. That's Nat-Nat in sheriff's costume and Emman on the right with the pirate costume. Lovely, lovely kids.

It's incredible and sometimes unbelievable that we're all grownups now. My cousins have their own families already and settling down, some are almost getting there. When I think of the days when we ran around and crowd in a room to snuggle to sleep, it feels like it was just yesterday. I can't help it but get nostalgic. But we all have to move forward. I wonder when am I gonna have my first baby. haha! Well, not anytime soon. Studies first. :)

I haven't seen Nathaniel and Vince yet. Don't worry kids, tita's coming over to see you or maybe you can come visit tita instead. Plane ticket's kinda expensive for me. hahaha! I badly want to fly to San Francisco NOW! See you soon babies. :)

BEWARE!

Do you have networking sites? How did it affect you? Do you enjoy using it? Do you get benefits from using it? Have you established new relationships through it? Have you felt violated by some of the programs and applications?

Online networking sites can be helpful or otherwise. You get to meet people from all over the world and establish friendship, share ideas, get educated by their cultures. You learn from them how real life works aside from all the lifestyle living shows we see on tv. Here, you actually hear it straight from them, on a personal level and in a more conversational manner. It's interactive cause you exchange your opinions and don't just take in whatever is laid before you.

The internet is the fastest way to connect people in real time. Who would need to wait for a day, a week, a month or year to receive a reply from someone across the planet? Gone are the days when people sit and stare blankly into space waiting for a letter, a response. Now you only have to do some clicks and tada! the person you are talking with can be seen live and animatedly. Communication, made easy.

But wait there's more.

People used to hire detectives or investigators to search for someone. Now, there are a thousand search engines you can use to track people you've lost in touch with, like friends, families, or even enemies. Criminals get busted through the helping and friendly use of the net. Well, it's just sad for those criminals who have their infos posted in their accounts for the world to see.

I have also heard a lot of stories about how people end up in marriage with someone they met online. It may sound ludicrous and absurd, others might think its informal and impossible, but for others, it's a match made in the internet. Others believe that their soulmate is somewhere halfway across the world, and that the cyberspace is where they can only meet. For some, looking for someone in the internet is a desperate resolution to their lifelong quest for love. There are also those who think that having a relationship and marrying a western-bred person is the answer to alleviate them from their personal financial problems and improve their lives.

On the downside, however, some are taken advantage of through the internet. Well I could consider myself witness to this and I could give testament to this case. Well, I was not gravely victimized, but in some ways some of my rights were violated. Not that I already did some strip shows or what. Come to think of it, there are actually those who would give in to the demands of someone they're talking with. When they're asked to "put on a show", others, without any hesitations just take their clothes off, and well the events could get worse after that.

Privacy. It is something that is robbed off of you once you agree and voluntarily join on networking sites without careful thinking. It's really good to be completely and totally honest about the information you key in to the required areas to complete your request to join, however, it is advisable to just keep some important and private information about yourself that are sometimes very unnecessary for people to know. For example, you just don't put your exact address, your contact numbers and for the "unforgivably" stupidity, your bank account numbers. Once you join the virtual world, you know you have lost your entire privacy. Don't get shocked when some random strangers suddenly details you some information you didn't even give out. They have some kind of strategies or systems they use to extract your precious information. Just BEWARE.

BANGED

No! It's not the kind of bang you might be thinking of. I just had my hair cut (by myself). :) A pair of scissors and having nothing to do after an exhausting and disappointing day, I chopped my hair AGAIN. The cut is uneven, so maybe I'll have this fixed by an expert. Maybe a trip to the salon would do my hair a favor and make myself feel better. :)) So here's my so UNprofessional cut.

Inked

I've always wanted to have my tattoo. It would be a risk, and should require a lot of pondering, 'cause once you get inked, it's forever. 

I overheard from someone that a tattoo is someone's identity. People close to you will recognize you through your tattoo, it's like your birthmark but just artificially done. I want to have my own identity. That identity must fairly and appropriately represent who I am, since I will be wearing it for the rest of my life. I want a story behind it, or maybe a reason for it, something that would remind me of something special. Others tattoo the names or symbols of their loved ones, that's why their tattoos are meaningful, or maybe a certain significant emotion the day they decided to get the tattoo. I want to have a story behind mine too, so that when I grow old, when my grand children ask me about it, I'd have something to tell not just say, "uh... 'cause lola thought it was cool". Tattoos are cool, and I couldn't disagree with that, but I want my tattoo, one day when I get one to exceed the "coolness" factor of it that most people attribute to it.

Tattoos are great art. They are expressions of a person's individuality and the courage to stand out from the norms. Others may have it occasionally, and as often as they want to, but for some including me, as a first timer, to have one is a great deal since I don't look at it just as a status symbol, it's more than that, it's a symbol of full growth and maturity and appreciation of one's self, that's why you want to adorn your skin with something great and something creative.

Since I haven't found the courage to get inked, nor have I found the design or symbol to represent me, nor have I decided on the place where to put it, for now, I made this tattoo for myself. The image isn't clear, but it's like feathery with words, "light as feather". I made this out of boredom during my Finance class and I was feeling down so I had to remind myself to always feel light. haha! Does it even make sense?

Whine Wednesday

I rode the jeepney holding back my tears.

My Wednesday class don't begin until 2:30 in the afternoon. Waking up early gives me enough time to do other things, like fix my messy room, do my assignment which I failed to do the night before because of an exhausting film shoot, make my own lunch which is just hotdog and fried rice special, and realize that something is perceptibly, obviously wrong. Something was wrong, I couldn't exactly tell what.

I started fixing myself at 1:30, put on my lame white shirt, faded black jeans, sneaks and beanie hat to cover my disheveled hair. I didn't take a bath or let's just say wash my hair. The weather was intolerably humid and I was sweating even though I wasn't moving a lot. I didn't want to move, not a single muscle. I didn't feel like going to school. I wasn't prepared and my assignments were undone. It's an awful guilty feeling of wasted time. But I had to go. I had some business to do: return the video cam and halogen lights we used for the shoot and pay the remaining balance of the charge. My group mates could've shared their part, but I took responsibility of everything. Depending on other people worries me more than doing the job myself. During the trip, sweating and uneasy, my thoughts were wandering to distant places and half of my self wants to go home. NO. I have to RETURN the things I borrowed. That was just the main point of going to school. Not the school itself. I just thought, since I was already there, why not just go to class and get something from the discussion. But it wasn't like that. I should've skipped class. I could've felt better since I missed my HBO (Human Behavior in an Organization). My +1 for the final grade was blown away just like that now that I have an unexcused absence. One point is still one point. Business Statistics lessons are just too much for my brain to handle. Made me regret going to class plus I have no assignment to pass for the second time, another reason to feel more remorse. My third and final class wrapped up the day with nothing else but GUILT. I thought I could get away with an assignment unmet through my excuses but I guess our professor is just to old to be outwitted. His straight, incriminating, hey-lil-missy-I've-heard-so-much-of-your-worn-out-excuse-a-thousand-times-before look, I knew immediately my alibi didn't work. It's okay with me to miss on the 20-point assignment, but my pangs of conscience couldn't ignore that I have just caused my two group mates their 20 points because of my being irresponsible again. I know they were just pretending that it was okay, but I can feel that they were blaming me for it, they just couldn't be straight forward about it, I know they're disappointed. Just as how I was disappointed of myself.

Figuring out what have caused this gloomy, mundane feeling is hard. I could blame the unpredictable weather that goes from hell-ish scorching hot to very wet and cold, or I could blame my professors for being so demanding about school projects, that they couldn't understand that we are but mere human beings with very limited energy, or maybe I could blame someone else for this, anyone, anything except myself. I don't want to blame myself. But the truth is, I am to be blamed, I am the cause of all these guilt I've been feeling. I just don't want to acknowledge. No one does. It's a human err that we all turn our backs to. We don't like to fix this error, this disease we all suffer. Why are we so afraid to accept our own mistakes, why are we too reluctant to acknowledge that we are erroneous? Errors, don't make us less humans, rather it makes us real humans, imperfect and in an unending endeavor for perfection. 

What scares us to accept guilt or blame is the feeling that ensues afterwards. 

I was walking blindly, and everything that I see are hazy images that drift behind my vision, everything was blurred, even the sounds were inaudible, there was just me and the feeling. Thrusting in my mind and in my heart. My eyes were blurred with tears I didn't want to shed. I've encountered it before, I knew the feeling, but for a long time now, I've never felt it. The unexpected recurrence of it caught me in my most fragile, unprepared state. All I wanted were time and words. Time to sit and think, and words that will withdraw all the thoughts that have been bothering me, the things left unexpressed and withheld. Everything else conspired, school, family, self conflicts, to make me feel so down. This afternoon, I succumbed to all the suppressed feelings of pressure I've been carrying with me. 

My First Book (ever)

This is my first real purchase of a book. And I was not wrong for making such a choice. 

Why first "real" purchase? I don't buy books if they're not on sale. My previous purchases were induced by sale advertising. (I'm applying advertising knowledge here. haha) Most of the covers are not popular reads, but I thought of them to be interesting however not all were able to linger 'til the very last page. But there were also those that I've read cover to cover and have reread for several times like Larry King and Thomas Cook's Moon Over Manhattan which is wittily written. The book is a good source of a good laugh and was only 70 pesos. One of the good deals include Schindler's List which I'm planning to use for our book report. I may sound like an avid reader, but honestly I'm not really a regular reader like many of the rest. Well I read when I have the luxury of time or in the mood to just sit and wander through the world of what I'm reading. But I'd like to make it a habit to read. Reading is really fun and stimulating, and a good exercise for the eyes too. :)

FYI: One of our professors said that reading is a good way to prevent Alzheimer's disease because it allows the eyes to be in constant motion which is an advisable activity for the brain. 

How did I get my hands into Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist? After having lunch together, Paula, my friend asked me to accompany her to NBS to check on some books and pocketbooks. While Paula was scanning the pocket books, I visited the stand where Paulo Coelho's books were placed. I've always wanted to have a copy of one of his books, but every time I was about to buy, I would have second thoughts and end up not buying anything. Today was different. I impulsively said to Paula, I'm gonna buy this book. And right then and there bought it immediately before my mind ticks and start having second thoughts. 

So I now have this book with me and I'm really happy about the purchase that I made. Paulo Coelho is one-of-a-kind. It would be an embarrassment if he gets to read this. He's just incomparable, no wonder why he's able to make all of his books disappear and leave all the readers clamor for more. He has captured the hearts of his readers including President Clinton and Julia Roberts. It's really amazing to know that there's a commonality between the people we look up to and admire and us ordinary ones, and that is Paulo Coelho's book. It feels like he's bridging the gaps between people and that the book draws us closer to those who we thought are far beyond our reach. Come to think of it, people like Clinton and Julia Roberts appreciate the same book as you do. Yes, I know it may sound absurd or maybe irrelevant and unworthy to make a big deal out of, but for me, knowing such knowledge is gratifying.

The book is a good guide on how one can decipher his destiny and make his own legend in his lifetime. After reading the book it feels like anything can be done and nothing can hinder nor impede us from reaching our dreams. Life is limitless, it doesn't end, it repeats in cycle and so are the things that life sweeps through its course. It's either we settle for what we have or we brave into realizing our dreams. All the lessons you have to learn throughout your lifetime is craftily summed up in this book. I would want to spill everything here but I don't want to deprive you of the joy of discovering what the story is about by yourself. 

If you get to read this, read The Alchemist  and after that you will be seeing the world, life and love in a different kind of light. Happy reading. :))

Dear Self,

-Try to find time to make your own banner for your blog.
-Be sure to dedicate some of your time writing on your blog.
-Cut your facebook hours.
-Bring your camera often and take pictures for your blog.
-Inspire and stop whining on your posts. :))

Define M-E

The most difficult question I have ever encountered would be, "How would you describe yourself?"

Babbling superfluous adjectives must be easy, but it is hard to define these words with who you really are, how you act, how you think. These words should be in parallel with who you really are, so you must be careful with your choice of words. Neither exaggerated nor understated, it should be just right.
Then the quest for the words, not perfect but appropriate, begins. Then my mind goes blank. I just can't define myself, nor perfectly paint a picture of who i am with words. words don't define a person, they just tell about them, actions may picture lifestyle but not the person within. Opinions are biased projections of what one is from another's point of view. When people tell things about me, nice and bad, I may acknowledge but I don't believe. I'm not cynical, just grounded. So how do I tell something about myself? I tell stories, I share experiences. These are facts, not opinions, these happened and not just foreseen. These things have defined me, these things shaped me. So I tell you stories, simple stories.

Falling Into the Cracks Again

It was a sacrifice. It needed much self-control. It required restraint, unflagging restraint. Then I blew it. Just like that. That fast, that easy. What I built for months crashed in just a few minutes of conversation, I gave in. Give whatever you have received. One gives you trust, trust is asked from you. I did what was done for me. I gave what was asked then slept through the night with regrets. I only have myself to blame. I agreed and consented myself into it, blindly. I hold myself responsible for what happened and realized how thoughtless my action was. What's done is done. There's no such thing as rewind nor erase in life, but I have another chance to forget about it and start anew.

How many chances do I deserve? Maybe what's left isn't enough.