The End in the First of February

Coincidence is playing on you when it starts to play the background music of your emotions, dissing you with the exactness of how the song describes your state. Touche.

The writer's block that is brought about by the chaos of emotions is happening again. Days, weeks and months of separation from writing could make you suck at it when you get back on it. It has always been the emotional instability, the surging and rocketing, that makes me go back to writing. I've always believed that this process is cathartic. And yes, this figures, I am in an emotional distress.

To see an end to everything, to expect an end as a consistent possibility to a lot of things doesn't help you when you've reached the corner. Preparations or looking forward to it will never ever make you prepared, it's like expecting that you're about to give birth, you know it's gonna happen soon, you know it's gonna hurt, you know it's gonna be really bad, you know it's gonna be painful, so you practice to numb your feelings, toughen your self, but when the clock hits the time of the unexpected, all of your preparations will be all discredited. It's still gonna be painful. But the opposite thing about that comparison is, giving birth is giving a new life to something, and breaking up, an end and death to what was once was beautiful.

The bad thing about being attached to someone is when the connection snaps out. Growing dependence, building memories, looking forward to the future with someone are the things that should be avoided if you see relationship as a passing thing, or something that has an ending, but that's too impossible once you are there, telling yourself to be careful, to safeguard your emotions, to protect yourself from the worse that could come, these things will all be neglected and too hard to fulfill, because being in a relationship is the most vulnerable state a person could be at. To be with another person means sharing everything together, it means thinking of yourself less and thinking of the other as a part of something that is considered as a common or mutual understanding that each of you should care for each other and love each other, it's like opening yourself up to someone without inhibitions because there is trust, there is the acceptance that will be kindly granted to you, there is this love that will see pass through all the murky part of you that you yourself could not accept nor fathom to look into. 

Falling apart. That is the direction that should be avoided. There is this thin line that separates falling apart from being apart. Falling apart is when two people have slowly given up on each other, blew off the fire that keeps the relationship alive and letting go of what hold them together, love. Being apart is when two persons decide to give each other time and space to grow and think, to ponder, to realize and to learn. Being apart should not be a form of punishment, it should be a break that two people agree upon to spend time with their selves and to examine how things have been, to look into the past and maybe see through the future, if they still want to, it's being away from each other but not letting go, because you both know there is still love. I'd like to think of this phase now as being apart, because I know we still love each other, I know that, he knows that.

I miss my papa.