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Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Step at a Time and You'll Get There

For more than half a year since my mom and I had a decent talk. During my debut last summer, her message for me was full of bitterness. The whole thing can be compared to a movie wherein we were just acting in front of the people who came to celebrate my birthday with me. When it was my turn to give the message, I couldn't help myself but vent out my emotions though I tried to hold it back but I just couldn't keep my tears from falling. After the celebration, my friends kid about the whole thing and how it made them cry just like the movies. Well it was a downpour of emotions, we couldn't help it, I'm easily jerked in tears and my dad's equally emotional as me, but my mom's the tough one with a convincing poker face to conceal what she truly feels. She's hard as a rock and that's something I admire about her and at the same time fear for her. She always sends me into curiosity and puzzles me with how she really feels toward someone or something. She has a way of reacting appropriately in the situation even though it sometimes contradicts her emotions, a good coping mechanism though. Her strength is what I've always wanted to have, something I would ask for, something I would want to learn. She's always been my rock, someone who has always stood by me, someone who would come into my rescue and fight for me when I could no longer carry on with the battle, someone who would sacrifice.

I feel so miserable not to let her know about how much I admire her, how I look up to her, and how much I love her. I feel so incapacitated and unworthy to speak up to her and tell her these things she should be proud about herself and I should be thankful for as her daughter. I just can't. I know that despite our constant arguments and exchange of hurtful words, I know she still cares about me. I can feel it and I know it. When I chance upon looking at her eyes, I can see that she feels so bad about how I turned out to be and that she misses me. If she had the chance to glance upon my eyes, I hope she also saw how much I long for her.

Circumstances sometimes work out to be a way for things to get better or somehow ease things and lead to immeasurable beginnings of improvement.

I had to sleep with my mom and my brother at the master's bedroom as my room was used by my cousin and her baby daughter while staying for the break. I am the last person to sleep at home due to some unknown reasons, insomnia probably. It's really chilly inside my mom's room and I had no blanket to cover my shaking body. I was half asleep and I am still conscious with what's happening around me, but my mom thought I was already so dead asleep, so guess what she did? Yes! if you're guess is right, she placed a blanket on me. If she only knew that I was still able to sense what she did and i wasn't unconscious yet, I know she would've not done that 'til she's sure that I won't know about her sweet act. I knew it! She loves me still and I'm glad to know that she still cares about me. I know she always did and always will. And now, we're starting to have short conversations mostly random questions and answers. Hahaha! But it still counts little by little, we'll get there.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Why I don't say I LOVE YOU

It's easy to jump from one relationship to another, but it only takes one man to make a girl stay.

Swinging from one guy to another sure is easy, fun and so much less complicated than locking yourself to one person. This kinda works for me. Being care-free and free-spririted, notice the "free" always attached, I prefer to be unattached. As quoted by my friend Charisse, we need space to grow and we can possibly achieve growth if we're not surrounded by some barriers that would limit our space and compete with our attention, time and energy. But the truth is, it's not just about enjoying sweet freedom alone, it's also about having security with yourself knowing that you don't have to rely on someone else for your happiness because you know that happiness is what we make when we feel secured. I may be naive, but it's the safest way to ensure yourself of messy and painful break-up drama and other traumatic experiences. When you like someone, don't invest sooo much emotions on it 'cause it may turn out to be some dirty business. I just don't like getting all dirty and messed up. I don't want to end up like those other girls blowing their noses and eyes soared with overfowing tears until their tear ducts get all dried up.

I am not stubborn. I'd like to think that I'm wise when it comes to love and all the mushy things along with it. Sadly, I am not wise and I'm like those any other girls who cry when they end up broken hearted. I have my own fair share of unhappy endings. I have gone through the times when i have totally lost my faith in love and faith in someone who will take away all the pessimism that have pent up after years of not finding happiness with someone I could call mine.

I just don't say I Love You because I can't. Because I'm afraid, because I'm a coward to face all that would come after those three words.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

I'm 18, not young neither old enough to fully define what life is. One thing I'm certain about is that, I struggle to live. We all do. We are one and the same in this fact, and the other is that we all have our own ordeal to face, but what makes each of us different and unique is how we stand up, face and deal with life's challenges.

On my most recent previous post, I've mentioned that me and my mom's relationship with one another is quite hazy. And to update you, well we've had some short exchange of words already, well mostly when I ask something from her and that's it. A development, quite dragging though. But how did it all started? If I have to give details of it, well I can't recall the main reason why we started not talking, maybe because several other reasons came about and I can no longer distinguish which is the real point of this misunderstanding. It's a misunderstanding, a reason to be considered with an additional miscommunication or lack of communication at all, inhibitions and miscalculated apprehensions to spice it up. To even get things boiling, well, I'm the kind of daughter who would hesitate to say sorry. Yes I know, I am the daughter, younger and lesser than the parent and if there is one person to give that apology, that would be me. It's crystal clear to me and I surely know this. But I resist, not that I don't want to say sorry, but I choose not to, for now. My stubborn reason for this is, if I say sorry and then commit more offenses, it's just like I never valued my apology and the forgiveness she'll give me. And I know that I am yet to commit more mistakes, mistakes that could disappoint her AGAIN, so I choose to save my apology for the right time, the time when I can fully assure myself and my mom that I have less tolerance for an another mistake.

The challenge here is to show her I'm changing, and not to just bluff nor deceive her with my apologetic words. I want to show her that I really am sorry rather than just tell her I am. Well I hope she'll understand the delay. And I also hope that you could relate well with my reason. Well your entitled to your own opinion and I know that you also have your own piece of mind for this, but for me, this is my piece of mind.